11 Simple Ways to Help a Couple with Marriage Problems (2024)

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Co-authored byJay Reid, LPCCand Nihal Shetty

Last Updated: March 12, 2023References

Offer emotional support.

1. A simple “I’m here for you” can help you make your friend feel less alone. When someone is going through marriage problems, they can often feel isolated and cut off from their other relationships. Remind your friend of their strengths and that they’re loved, so that they can approach their relationship in a healthier frame of mind. Try saying things like:^[1]

   • “I’m really sorry to hear that you’re going through this. I know it must be hard, but I also know that you’re a strong person.”
   • “I know you mentioned that you’ve been going through some issues in your marriage. Just wanted to let you know that you can trust me if you need someone to talk to.”
   • “I care about you, and want you to know that I’m here to support you as you work through these marriage problems.”

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Be a good listener.

1. Give your friend space to process their thoughts with you. When talking with them about their marriage problems, don’t be afraid of silence—jumping in too often with your own thoughts can make it hard for your friend to open up. Part of being a good listener means asking open-ended questions, like:^[2]

   • “How did this make you feel?”
   • “How have your past conversations with your spouse gone?”
   • “What kinds of things can I do to support you?”

Rephrase their own perspective.

1. Summarize your friend’s thoughts to help them understand their feelings. Studies have shown that after confiding their marriage problems to someone else, people have said that having their own perspective rephrased and stated back to them is among the most helpful things a listener can do. Try saying something like:^[3]

   • “So, what I’m hearing you say is…does that sound right?”
   • “So it sounds to me like what you’re getting at is…”
   • “So from your perspective, it seems like…”

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1. Your friend may need help imagining their spouse’s point of view. If you’re only speaking to one spouse, you only have half the story. By putting yourself in their spouse’s shoes, you can help your friend understand their situation better. For example, if your friend’s marriage has been experiencing a lack of trust over financial issues, you can say something like, “I know it’s wrong, but maybe he’s keeping quiet over money issues because it’s his way of trying to protect you?” You can also say things like:^[4]

   • “Have you had a conversation about your needs? Maybe she just doesn’t know what they are.”
   • “It sounds like your husband has had a lot of trauma in the past. Do you think that could have something to do with this?”
   • “In-laws can sometimes feel intimidating. Do you think that your wife has a reason to be nervous around your parents?”

Limit your advice unless your friend asks for it.

1. Too much advice can be taken the wrong way. A little bit of advice from personal experience can be helpful, but since you can’t know all the dynamics within your friend’s marriage, too much can feel overbearing. Remember that your role here is to be a listener, not to fix the marriage single-handedly. If your friend does ask for advice, try saying something like:^[5]

   • “When I had these issues with my husband, it really helped when we decided to set aside 30 minutes each night to talk with no other distractions.”
   • “Every marriage is different, but maybe it would help if you had another conversation about each of your childcare responsibilities.”
   • “Seeing a couple’s therapist really helped us during some rocky patches. I could give you some recommendations if you’d like.”

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Stay positive about their spouse.

1. Many people feel defensive of their spouses, even while criticizing them. People can often interpret judgments of their partner as judgments of them. Because of this, try to avoid speaking about their spouse in harsh terms, or calling them names. Remember that it’s better to be silent than to say something that might make your friend feel defensive and cause them to become closed-off. Try using neutral statements, such as:^[6]

   • “I know you’re going through tough times, but hopefully you can both work together to solve these issues.”
   • “I know your husband is a really important part of your life. I’m here to support you as you try to work things out with him.”
   • “No matter what happens, I’m really glad that both of you have been a part of my life.”

1. Even if you don’t think the marriage is a good one, stay away from telling them to divorce. Divorce is a deeply personal decision, and even most trained marriage counselors are unlikely to recommend it before someone comes to this decision on their own. Your friend could resent you for pushing them into divorce before they’re ready.

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Connect them with community support.

1. Find couples with marriage experience in your shared social circles. If you and your friend share a religious community, connecting them to couples in the community that have had successful marriages can be really useful. But successful marriages can be found in a number of other contexts—by introducing your friend to a network of other couples, you can help them find other places for support.^[7]

Talk to them about marital enrichment programs.

1. Your friend may be unaware that marital enrichment programs exist. It’s a good idea for couples to attend these kinds of programs regardless of whether or not their relationship is struggling, but they can be a marriage-saver for couples going through rocky times. Studies have shown positive outcomes and higher levels of relationship satisfaction for couples who attend these programs, so do some digging to see if you can find one that would be a good fit for your friend.^[8]

   • It can feel a little awkward bringing up these programs with your friend, especially if they aren’t aware of how popular they are. Try saying something like, “A lot of couples try doing sessions at a marital enrichment program. Have you heard of these? I could help you find one close by.”

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1. Couple’s therapy is one of the most effective suggestions you can make. Psychologists and therapists have been practicing couple’s therapy for many decades, and they’ve developed helpful strategies to help couples work through issues in their marriages. Bringing up couple’s therapy to your friend is a good idea—as much as you may want to support them, without being trained as a therapist, it might be impossible to fix their problems by yourself.^[9]

   • Bring up couple’s therapy to your friend by saying something like, “Have you considered couple’s therapy? I think it would really help both of you to have someone facilitate a discussion between you two.”
   • Therapy may be helpful if they have problems due to narcissist behavior.^[10]
   • There are different phases in the cycle of narcissistic abuse.^[11]
   • In one of the phases, the narcissist indulges in outward acts of disrespect. They may question the intelligence of their partner. Besides this, they may mock or humiliate them in the presence of other people.^[12]

Be watchful for signs of abuse.

1. If you suspect your friend is a victim of domestic violence, plan for their safety. Although experts recommend you stay away from outright telling someone to leave their relationship before they’re ready, you should help them find ways to remain safe. This could mean offering up your home to them if they need it, or connecting them to a domestic violence hotline, like 1-800-799-SAFE.^[13]

   • If you notice visible bruises or other signs of abuse on your friend, ask them something like, “I know you might not feel comfortable talking about it, but if anyone is hurting you, please know me know. I care about you and you can trust me.”

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