15 Signs He Is Hurting After the Breakup and What to Do (2024)

By: Milena J. Wisniewska

Though the nature vs. nurture debate continues, it’s clear that, on average, women are raised to express their emotions while men are taught to be more detached from them.

So, when brokenhearted, men tend to avoid facing the situation, while women often obsess over it. It’s not a rule, just a common pattern, and simply because someone handles emotions differently doesn’t mean they don’t have any.

Checking in on him shows genuine concern, ensuring he’s coping well. This perspective makes noticing certain signs natural, reflecting your ongoing empathy.

Key Takeaways:

• Men experience a range of emotions after a breakup, including denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
• Their behavior can vary greatly, from withdrawal to increased social activity.
• There’s no fixed timeline for healing, and each man’s process is unique.
• Understanding healing stages can help you navigate your own emotions and offer support (if appropriate).

How Does a Guy Behave After a Breakup?

Like anyone, men experience a range of emotions, including the usual suspects — sadness, anger, relief, guilt, or numbness.

To understand a guy’s behavior after a breakup, let’s take a step back and examine the differences between anxious and avoidant attachment styles.
In their famous book Attached, authors Amir Levine and Rachel Heller outline three attachment styles: secure, anxious, and avoidant. They explain,

Basically, secure people feel comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving; anxious people crave intimacy, are often preoccupied with their relationships, and tend to worry about their partner’s ability to love them back; avoidant people equate intimacy with a loss of independence and constantly try to minimize closeness.^[1]

The avoidant’s experience of separation often begins with a “deactivation” of feelings, a subconscious strategy to shield themselves from pain.

It gets better.

A study of German university students published in Behavioral Sciences found that “significant gender differences for attachment anxiety and avoidance emerged, showing higher attachment anxiety in female students and higher attachment avoidance in male students.”^[2]

I wouldn’t say attachment style is the only reason your ex is handling things the way he is, but it sure explains a lot!

Many men have a lifetime of training in hiding pain, pushing away bad memories, and burying negative emotions. A training that probably started the first time someone laughed at them for crying instead of hugging them.

You might have seen all sorts of avoidant behavior from keeping busy by working insane hours or distracting themselves with constant partying. Some guys silently ruminate over the details, while others pretend everything’s fine.

Pretty much anything that helps them push away their emotions and avoid dealing with the pain directly will do.

Signs He Is Hurting After the Breakup

Heartbreak looks different for everyone, but recognizing the signs that your ex is hurting after ending the relationship can offer insights into his mindset and help you respect his experience.

1. He withdraws from social interactions

A clear hint that he’s not okay after calling it off is withdrawing from social interactions.

Suddenly, he’s skipping the monthly D&D night with the crew, avoiding family gatherings (as your favorite cousin Rami reports), and generally pulling away from the world.

Instead, he’s spending a lot of time at home alone, possibly crying to Bruno Mars’ When I Was Your Man.

A study from the Journal of Youth and Adolescence found that social withdrawal after a separation is common, especially among men, as a way to reflect and manage their emotions. This tendency to retreat can be linked to deeper issues of attachment and emotional processing​​.^[3]

So, if he’s gone MIA, it’s his way of coping.

Being around others might force him to confront the pain, which he’s not ready for. He may also prefer not to show vulnerability, choosing to process his emotions in his own space and time, even if it means temporarily ghosting those who care about him.

The best (and only) response is to let him be.

2. He exhibits changes in communication patterns

Another clear sign that he is hurting after the break is a change in his communication pattern.

Where he once wrote paragraphs, he might now give a short “fine” or “ok.”

He may also have a shorter fuse, snapping over a slow internet connection or getting visibly frustrated over spilling coffee as if it were the end of the world.

His reactions can be as unpredictable and erratic as a game of Russian roulette — one day, he’s a Chatty Cathy, and the next, he’s as silent as Sheldon Cooper playing the Quiet Game.

These shifts in communication often reflect that he still struggles with his feelings about the breakup.

It’s not that he doesn’t care; it’s because he still cares.

3. He engages in self-destructive or unhealthy behaviors

One of the top signs that he’s still dealing with pain after breaking up is engaging in self-destructive or unhealthy behaviors.

Your typical movie scene: the heartbroken guy drowning his sorrows in booze, dabbling in substances, getting into altercations, or whatnot. It’s unpleasant to watch.

Gabor Maté, a renowned trauma expert, dedicated his entire work to explaining why people engage in unhealthy behavior. He explains that self-destructive behaviors help regulate intolerable emotions and address feelings of disconnection and isolation.

A damaged sense of self-worth, influenced by negative experiences, can lead to self-punishment through harmful actions (!). Maté emphasizes that a lack of healthy coping mechanisms drives people toward these behaviors.^[4]

So, your former flame has found an unconstructive way to avoid sitting with his emotions. He falls into these behaviors whenever he feels helpless, trying to escape the sadness, loneliness, and confusion that have haunted him since your separation.

4. He expresses feelings of anger, guilt, or regret

One of the telltale signs that he’s hurting is expressing feelings of anger, guilt, or regret towards you openly.

He might vent by blaming you for the relationship ending, criticizing your actions, or getting frustrated over specific incidents. You might hear him say things like, “I can’t believe you did that,” or “It’s all your fault this ended.” Yikes.

These feelings can then flip to guilt or regret about his role in the situation. He might replay moments from the relationship, blaming himself.

It’s like that scene from 500 Days of Summer where Tom’s at the park bench with Summer and he’s torn between his love for her and his bitterness over how things ended.

Whether he’s angry or feeling guilty, it shows he’s still processing the loss, trying to understand his feelings, and coming to grips with what happened.

5. He makes sudden lifestyle changes

Breakups are rough, and guys often handle them by making sudden life changes.

He may change his identity to a full-time gym bro, spending hours posting sweaty selfies in gray sweatpants. Or he might quit his cozy office job to move to Peru and become an alpaca farmer. He might even get bangs — if he does, you know it’s really bad.

For example, my friend’s ex decided to bike across the entire US after they split up. BTW, when they were together, he would play The Witcher all day long, which was why they broke up in the first place! Oh, the irony!

These drastic changes are his way of coping and trying to reinvent himself after the split.

It’s a way to distract himself, focusing on personal growth and change instead of the separation. This way, he feels more in control of his life, even if it’s driven by an underlying need to escape the hurt.

6. He becomes nostalgic about the relationship

One of the signs that your ex hasn’t moved on is expressing (excessive) nostalgia after a split.

He might often bring up positive memories, reminiscing about the good times you shared. Whether it’s that trip to Tulum where you both snorkeled with sea turtles, or just the lazy Sunday mornings you spent watching Modern Family, he dwells on these past events.

Studies published in The Happy Mind: Cognitive Contributions to Well-Being, found that people often reminisce about past relationships to maintain their sense of self and continuity. This nostalgia helps them preserve their identity and make sense of their personal history, providing a way to cope with the emotional upheaval of a rupture.^[5]

Additionally, according to research presented in the Journal of Family Theory & Review, we often idealize our partners in relationships, which can make us feel nostalgic and remember our exes as better than they really were after things have ended. This can make it harder to move on because we’re clinging to an overly positive memory​.^[6]

For example, Peter in Forgetting Sarah Marshall couldn’t bring himself to delete photos of Sarah, torturing himself with memories, subconsciously cherry-picking the good times and forgetting how awful she could be. People are peculiar creatures.

7. He tries to maintain contact or seek closure

After going separate ways, you may notice that he still tries to keep the communication lines open, either by texting or calling you with flimsy excuses, no matter how many times you’ve told him that you are never, ever, ever getting back together.

These efforts scream refusal to let go as he clings to the relationship like a lifeline, struggling to accept it’s over.

But evidence from a study in Personal Relationships shows that staying in contact with an ex can often delay emotional recovery and prolong the healing process. This is because continued contact can keep the emotional wound open, making it harder to move on.^[7]

His actions show he’s still emotionally invested, holding out hope for reconciliation, or at least some closure.

Like, ever.

8. He displays signs of jealousy or possessiveness

Another unmistakable sign that he is still hurting after the split is jealousy or possessiveness.

He might make snarky comments about your social media posts and quiz mutual friends about your dating life or get visibly uncomfortable or angry when he sees you with someone else.

Jealousy and possessiveness usually spring from his unresolved feelings. It simply hurts him to see pictures of your life moving on without him.

Healing takes time, but he’ll get there.

In case he doesn’t progress in his healing, it’s crucial to recognize the signs of emotional abuse and dating violence.

Jealousy and possessiveness, while initially stemming from unresolved feelings, can quickly turn sinister. Being aware of these warning signs is essential for your safety and well-being.

9. He experiences physical symptoms of stress

He may experience physical symptoms of stress associated with the end of your relationship. Like changes in appetite — either eating much less than usual or ordering a jumbo-sized pizza every night.

He may experience temporary insomnia, especially if he pretends everything’s fine during the day. Those unaddressed feelings will chase him down at night.

Additionally, his energy levels could sink as low as his spirit — you know, heartbreak vibes.

In one study published in PNAS, 40 people who had just suffered unwanted romantic ruptures had their brains scanned while looking at pictures of their exes and thinking about the split-up. As they stared at the photos, the part of the brain associated with physical pain lit up.^[8]

It’s all happening because of the increased production of cortisol, the stress hormone.

According to the American Psychological Association, too much cortisol makes muscles tense and ready for action, but with no actual threat, this just results in muscle tension.^[9] To ensure the muscles have an adequate blood supply, cortisol diverts blood away from the digestive system, causing loss of appetite for example.

Constant cortisol release can disrupt sleep and impair judgment.

While riding this wave of chemicals can make the pain of separation even more relentless, eventually, his body chemistry will change back to normal, and the hurt will diminish.

10. He seeks support from unexpected sources

You couldn’t get him to see a counselor the whole time you were together, but now that it’s over, he finally comes around.

Well, good for him. Better late than never, I guess.

He might start reconnecting with old friends you’ve only heard about in his childhood stories or leaning on family members he usually isn’t close with.

By reaching out to these people, he’s admitting he can’t handle everything on his own and needs some outside support to get through his feelings. You know, even Tony Soprano eventually sought help.

11. He makes grand gestures to win you back

Grand romantic gestures can be sweet when you’re both on the same page emotionally. But if he’s trying to win you back with over-the-top moves after you’ve moved on, it can feel a bit much.

On his YouTube channel, That Library Show, Derek Gerard talked to dating coach Chantal Heide, author of No More Assholes.

In the interview, Chantal mentioned that if someone only makes grand gestures when a relationship has ended but failed to show effort while you were together, it’s usually just a form of manipulation.^[10]

Maybe he sends a giant teddy bear to your office with a note saying “I wove you” or posts a breakup song on Instagram begging for another chance.

It’s just awkward unless you want to get back together, in which case, feel free — but remember that it may just be for show.

These dramatic gestures may show he’s hurting, but unless he apologizes and changes his behavior, none of it matters.

12. He avoids places, people, or activities that remind him of you

After parting your ways, you may notice he’s nowhere to be found.

He doesn’t frequent your favorite coffee spot anymore, he’s dodging mutual friends’ gatherings, and he even bailed on the annual beach volleyball game you always played together.

It’s like he’s plotting his routes and social calendar to avoid any run-ins or memories of you.

But can you blame him? It’s not him being dramatic; it’s his way of shielding himself from those heart-tugging reminders.

By avoiding these places, people, and activities, he’s creating a safe space to heal without the constant echoes of old memories pulling him back.

13. He exhibits signs of depression or emotional instability

After you’ve called things off, your ex may show signs of depression or emotional instability, like looking down a lot or getting teary-eyed.

His energy could plummet, making simple tasks like getting out of bed seem like climbing Mount Everest.

He no longer posts his runs on STRAVA, his guitar is getting dusty, and dinners with friends or family no longer interest him. He may isolate himself, struggle with sleep, or show changes in weight.

Conversations could become strained, with short, disinterested answers. Emotional outbursts, like losing it over a missed train or crying during Peaky Blinders, might become a thing.

The heartache often leads to feelings of hopelessness and a lack of motivation.

In fact, a study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that romantic estrangements can lead to significant emotional distress and even depressive symptoms in many individuals.^[11]

Recognizing these signs is crucial. He might need support, understanding, and, possibly, professional help to get through this tough time.

14. He engages in self-reflection or seeks personal growth

In every heartbreak comes a moment when we mature to see it as a wake-up call for some serious self-reflection and growth. If he’s turning over a new leaf, it’s likely that the breakup did him in. Someone unbothered by a breakup would see no reason to change or look inward at all.

When he starts thinking about what went wrong, and how he contributed to things falling apart instead of mindlessly blaming you, it’s a positive indication that he’s almost out of the misery tunnel.

Much like Tom in 500 Days of Summer, who after finally letting go of Summer, ditched his dead-end job to chase his dream of becoming an architect.

Your ex may start picking up new hobbies, focusing on his career (not just work), hitting the gym, or even trying therapy.

By owning up to his past mistakes and working on himself, he’s on the path to emotional healing and building healthier relationships.

And that’s what you want for him in the long run, right? To be happy.

15. He displays a mix of hot and cold behavior

When you part ways, his behavior can be unpredictable and erratic.

One day, he might be incredibly sweet, sending you heartfelt messages about how he’s moved on and wishing you the best. The next day, he might be filled with remorse and resentment. And the day after that, he might go completely silent.

He still has feelings for you and misses you, so he wants to reconnect. At the same time, he’s trying to move on, which leads to avoiding contact or having emotional outbursts. He’s struggling for answers, leaving you on the receiving end of his emotional swings.

This hot and cold behavior occurs because he’s conflicted inside. Healing isn’t a straight line, and his emotions reflect that.

So, as long as he’s not being abusive, try to accept his unique way of handling his emotions. It’s all part of the journey.

Stages of Breakup for a Guy

Heartbreak is a complex and deeply personal experience.

It impacts each person differently, but we can all agree that sometimes it feels like losing someone physically; some people even say it’s worse.

Research shows that grief can follow any big life change, not just losing a loved one. Ruptures are a common trigger for grief.^[12]

So, whether we like it or not, we need to grieve our past relationships because losing romantic love is still a loss.

Grief is often explained using the five stages introduced by Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Other experts have added more stages, but the idea is that we all feel a range of emotions during loss.

But don’t get it twisted — this doesn’t mean everyone goes through these stages in a set order. As Kübler-Ross and David Kessler write in On Grief and Grieving, “There is not a typical response to loss, as there is no typical loss. Our grief is as individual as our lives.”^[13]

Let’s explore how these stages manifest in your ex’s behavior after the breakup.

Denial and disbelief

The day after “the talk,” he might still think that this is not real, much like Jay in The Great Gatsby, who held onto the hope that Daisy would return and that they could relive the past as if nothing had changed.

Denial is common at first, as he struggles to accept the end of the relationship and hopes for a reconciliation.

As the authors of On Grief and Grieving explain, “Denial helps us to pace our feelings of grief. There is a grace in denial. It is nature’s way of letting in only as much as we can handle.”^[14]

He might believe it’s just a temporary setback, imagining scenarios in which you get back together.

To get through this stage, he needs to acknowledge his feelings after the break and face the reality of the situation, even though it’s tempting to avoid it.

Facing the truth is the first step to healing.

Anger and resentment

As denial fades away, anger and resentment set in.

Your ex may feel betrayed, resentful, or even blame you for how things ended. He may plot revenge fantasies of sleeping around to make you green with envy.

Anger can turn inward, making him feel inadequate, or outward, causing conflicts with others. This stage often involves self-destructive behaviors, such as excessive drinking or reckless actions, as a way to cope with the overwhelming pain.

But it’s important to remember that whatever he’s going through doesn’t give him any right to treat you poorly.

Bargaining and negotiation

In the days following the separation, he may wish he’d done things differently and get lost in a maze of “if onlys” and “what ifs.”

That’s the bargaining and negotiation stage.

A guy might apologize, cry, plead for another chance, promise to change, or suggest compromises to save the relationship. This is usually driven by a strong desire to avoid the pain of separation, leading to significant concessions or changes in an attempt to prevent the loss.

While bargaining might seem promising in the moment, it often prolongs the healing process.

A study featured in The Family Journal explores how attempts to revive a dead romance could be an effort to avoid the vulnerability of starting fresh with someone new.^[15]

Whenever he brings that up, suggest that he focus on the present and future. Gently but firmly reiterate that what’s done cannot be undone.

Depression and emotional pain

After bargaining, he shifts his focus to the present. Those empty feelings start to show up, and grief hits him harder than he ever thought possible. Depression and emotional struggle come crashing down as reality sets in.

This stage is all about intense sadness, loneliness, and heartache. He feels hopeless, struggles to imagine a future without you, and loses motivation to do anything.

A recent paper from PLOS ONE explains how losing a romantic relationship is “an emotionally upsetting event that can lead to multiple symptoms related to sadness, grief and depression and even can result in an increased risk of developing a depressive episode.”^[16]

While it’s normal to mourn the end of a relationship, if he stays in this depression stage for too long, it might be time to get professional help.

Reflection and introspection

Reflection and introspection follow as he starts to look back on the relationship, considering his role in its end and the lessons he can learn.

He might start journaling to process his feelings after a break. He may realize how his overly critical and emotionally distant behavior contributed to things ending. Through introspection, he may start to understand the need for mutual respect, open communication, and emotional support.

He may set new goals for personal growth and redefine his expectations for future partners, realizing the importance of maintaining individuality and setting boundaries.

This clarity empowered him to approach future relationships with a more open heart and stronger self-awareness.

As Aristotle famously writes, “Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom”.^[17]

Acceptance and moving forward

Acceptance and moving forward mark the stage where he gradually comes to terms with the new reality.

Over time, you’ll notice his perspective changing. In the final stage of moving on, he’ll slowly accept the breakup and start looking forward to what’s next.

Acceptance doesn’t mean he’s completely fine or that he’s forgotten about the relationship. Instead, it means finding peace with what happened and making it a part of his life story. As Kübler-Ross and Kessler say, “Acceptance is about recognizing that this new reality is the permanent reality.”^[18]

Rebuilding and rediscovery

Finally, in the rebuilding and rediscovery stage, he actively works on rebuilding his sense of self and rediscovering his passions and interests outside the relationship.

He starts to focus on his own personal growth and well-being, letting go of the past and opening himself up to new opportunities and experiences.

Just like Peter in the movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall, he’ll channel his emotions into something positive, like when Peter started writing his funny musical, finding new purpose and joy in his life.

Conclusion

Breaking up is tough on everyone, and guys feel the pain just as much as anyone else. But society’s unfair expectations often push them to hide their emotions, making their pain less visible.

They may cope by avoiding emotions, ghosting friends, or developing unhealthy habits. They’ll even go through the stages of grief — denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

Recognize their pain, give them space, and support their recovery if you have that relationship.

Healing takes time, and each journey is unique. Be there for male friends going through similar struggles, reminding them it’s okay to not be okay.

Check out our page to read more aboutending a relationship.

FAQs: Your Breakup Questions Answered

Why do guys act heartless after a breakup?

Some guys act heartless after a breakup because it’s their way of coping and hiding their pain. Acting tough helps them protect themselves from getting hurt more. Plus, society often expects men to keep their emotions in check, so they might act indifferent even when they’re really hurting inside.

How do I know if he’s thinking about me after a breakup?

You know that he’s thinking about you after the breakup if he reaches out, engages with your social media, or if mutual friends mention that he’s asked about you. These signs can indicate he’s still thinking about you, but the best way to know for sure is through direct communication.

How do you know when he’s ready for love again?

You can tell a guy is ready for love after a breakup when he shows increased emotional availability, openly communicates his feelings, and is willing to invest time and effort into a new relationship. Additionally, he may express interest in building a deeper connection and demonstrate a positive outlook towards the future.

How long does a man take to get over a breakup?

The time it takes for a man to get over a breakup varies significantly based on factors such as the duration and intensity of the relationship, his emotional resilience, and his support system. Some men might recover in a few months, while others could take much longer.

References

1. Levine, A., & Heller, R. (2010). Attached: The new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find—and keep—love. Tarcher.

2. Weber, R., Eggenberger, L., Stosch, C., & Walther, A. (2022). Gender differences in attachment anxiety and avoidance and their association with psychotherapy use-examining students from a German university. Behavioral Science, 12(7), 204. https://doi.org/10.3390/bs12070204.

3. Belu, C. F., Lee, B. H., & O’Sullivan, L. F. (2016). It hurts to let you go: Characteristics of romantic relationships, breakups and the aftermath among emerging adults. Journal of Relationships Research, 7(11). https://doi.org/10.1017/jrr.2016.11

4. Maté, G. (2008). In the realm of hungry ghosts: Close encounters with addiction. Knopf Canada.

5. Abeyta, A. A., & Routledge, C. (2017). Nostalgia as a psychological resource for a meaningful life. In M. D. Robinson, M. & M. Eid (Eds.) The happy mind: Cognitive contributions to well-being. Springer, Cham. https://doi.org/10.1007/978-3-319-58763-9_23

6. Niehuis, S., Lee, K.-H., Reifman, A., Swenson, A., & Hunsaker, S. (2011). Idealization and disillusionment in intimate relationships: A review of theory, method, and research. Journal of Family Theory & Review, 3(4), 273–302. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1756-2589.2011.00100.x

7. Sbarra, D. A., & Emery, R. E. (2005). The emotional sequelae of nonmarital relationship dissolution: Analysis of change and intraindividual variability over time. Personal Relationships, 12(2), 213–232. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1350-4126.2005.00112.x

8. Kross, E., Berman, M. G., Mischel, W., Smith, E. E., & Wager, T. D. (2011). Social rejection shares somatosensory representations with physical pain. PNAS, 108 (15), 6270–6275. https://www.pnas.org/doi/full/10.1073/pnas.1102693108

9. American Psychological Association. (2023, March 8). Stress effects on the body. https://www.apa.org/topics/stress/body

10. Gerard, D. (2024, March 11). A Dating Coach [Video]. YouTube. https://youtu.be/PMsvjBDOrfM?si=jbGB_VjbG0uwqreb

11. Foshay, J. E., O’Sullivan, L. F. (2019). Coping and unwanted pursuit behaviours following breakups in young adulthood. Journal of Relationships Research, 10(3).

https://doi.org/10.1017/jrr.2018.23

12. Smith, P. H., & Delgado, H. (2020). Working with non-death losses in counseling: An overview of grief needs and approaches. Adultspan Journal, 19(2), 118–187. https://doi.org/10.1002/adsp.12100

13. Kübler-Ross, E., & Kessler, D. (2014). On grief and grieving: Finding the meaning of grief through the five stages of loss. Simon & Schuster UK.

14. Kübler-Ross, E., & Kessler, D. (2014). On grief and grieving: Finding the meaning of grief through the five stages of loss. Simon & Schuster UK.

15. Rizvi, M. S., Tram, J. M., & Bergström, B. (2022). Fear of rejecting others: An overlooked construct in dating anxiety. The Family Journal, 30(1), 44–49. https://doi.org/10.1177/10664807211021969

16. Verhallen, A. M., Renken, R. J., Marsman, J. B. C., ter Horst, G. J. (2019). Romantic relationship breakup: An experimental model to study effects of stress on depression (-like) symptoms. PLOS ONE 14(5). https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0217320

17. Aristotle. (2009). The nicomachean ethics. Oxford University Press.

18. Kübler-Ross, E., & Kessler, D. (2014). On grief and grieving: Finding the meaning of grief through the five stages of loss. Simon & Schuster UK.