61 Funny Inspirational Quotes (2024)

• “Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.” - Oscar Wilde
• “Don’t be so humble — you are not that great.” - Golda Meir
• “Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.” - Jack Handey
• “In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.” - Fran Lebowitz
• “If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.” - Phyllis Diller
• “Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.” - Ellen DeGeneres
• “Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.” - Elbert Hubbard

• “If you want something said, ask a man. If you want something done, ask a woman.” - Margaret Thatcher
• “People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing — that’s why we recommend it daily.” - Zig Ziglar
• “Hating people is like burning down your own home to get rid of a rat.” - Harry Emerson Fosdick
• “I’m in shape. Round is a shape.” - George Carlin
• “My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.” - Dave Barry
• “People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.” - Theodor Rosyfelt
• “Bad decisions make good stories.” - Ellis Vidler
• “Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.” - Phyllis Diller
• “It ain’t over til it’s over.” - Yogi Berra

• “A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.” - Graham Norton
• “Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood.” - Bill Murray
• “When life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade and then try to find someone whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.” - Ron White
• “To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone, and a funny bone.” - Reba McEntire
• “There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.” - Oscar Wilde
• “A man who correctly guesses a woman’s age may be smart, but he’s not very bright.” - Lucille Ball
• “If you’re going through hell, keep going.” - Winston Churchill
• “Women will never be as successful as men because they have no wives to advise them.” - Dick Van Dyke
• “We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.” - Bryan White
• “Even a stopped clock is right twice every day.” - Marie von Ebner-Eschenbach
• “As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.” - Norman Wisdom

• “A clear conscience is a sure sign of a bad memory.” - Mark Twain
• “The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.” - George Carlin
• “People can’t drive you crazy if you don’t give them the keys.” - Mike Bechtle
• “You grow up the day you have your first real laugh — at yourself.” - Ethel Barrymore
• “If you can’t be kind, at least be vague.” - Judith Martin
• “It is useless to try to hold a person to anything he says while he’s madly in love, drunk, or running for office.” - Shirley MacLaine
• “Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’” - Steven Wright
• “Sometimes you lie in bed at night and you don’t have a single thing to worry about. That always worries me!” - Charlie Brown
• “People waste their time pondering whether a glass is half empty or half full. Me, I just drink whatever’s in the glass.” - Sophia Petrillo
• “Life is like a sewer… what you get out of it depends on what you put into it.” - Tom Lehrer
• “The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.” - James Branch Cabell
• “Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow just as well.” - Mark Twain

• “I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.” - Benjamin Franklin
• “The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.” - Will Rogers
• “Live each day like it’s your second to the last. That way you can fall asleep at night.” - Jason Love
• “Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It’s already tomorrow in Australia.” - Charles Schulz
• “I’m not crazy — I’ve just been in a very bad mood for 40 years.” - Ouiser Boudreaux
• “Age is of no importance unless you’re a cheese.” - Billie Burke
• “I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.” - Mae Wes
• “My mother always used to say, ‘The older you get, the better you get. Unless you’re a banana.’” - Rose Nylund
• “A peaco*ck that rests on his tail feathers is just another turkey.” - Dolly Parton

• “If you let your head get too big, it’ll break your neck.” - Elvis Presley
• “Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.” - Thomas Edison
• “I cannot afford to waste my time making money.” - Louis Agassiz
• “Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” - Robert Orben
• “It takes less time to do things right than to explain why you did it wrong.” - Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
• “The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary.” - Vince Lombardi
• “Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.” - Franklin P. Jones
• “If you think your boss is stupid, remember: You wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter.” - John Gotti
• “If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping in a room with a mosquito.” - Dalai Lama
• “The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.” - Oscar Wilde
• “By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.” - Robert Frost
• “Whoever said that money can’t buy happiness, simply didn’t know where to go shopping.” - Bo Derek
• “Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” - Paula Poundstone

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