Every single parent has their own story; divorced, never married, widowed, spouse deployed, grandparent raising the grandchild, single parent by choice. The tips below are based on a dozen years raising my four children alone as a single mom; on the countless single parents I’ve encountered; and on a survey of my Facebook friends. It won’t address every situation, but it’s a starting place:
Check in regularly
A simple text, “How are you doing today?” lets the single parent know they aren’t alone. Don’t be afraid to talk to them. They see the fear in your eyes; people are afraid our needs will overwhelm and drown them, but more often single parents aren’t asking for the help they need.
My kids and I groped in the dark from my car in the garage to the house door for months because I couldn’t change the ceiling bulb and hated to ask for help. I’d seen people back up when they first learned I was a single mom. Having people keep their distance was more painful than me and my kids stumbling in the dark for months. Every single mom has these stories.
Recognize their resiliency is used up and offer some of your own
Nobody wants to be the stressed-out person upset because their coupon is turned down, or the children’s librarian dissolved their child in tears, or they somehow don’t qualify for the half-price sale for their kids’ shoes.
I’m afraid many people labeled a “Karen” are simply at the end of their rope with no bounce-back left. They’ve bounced all they can and they are exhausted and afraid. When people are afraid, they turn into someone even they don’t like. Instead of mocking the next Karen you encounter, especially a single parent, try sharing your own resiliency. You can choose to be the one to bounce back and not get offended.
Include them in your community
As soon as you become a single parent the invitations to dinner dry up. The families get more and more isolated. The majority of single parent homes are single moms because safe, healthy dad figures can be hard to come by in the “singleverse.”
Don’t judge
It may scare you to hear how easily someone got where they are from where you are now. Also, don’t take sides in a breakup. “No one knows what goes on in someone else’s marriage, no matter how well you know them,” my mother said. What does it matter whose fault it is? The kids in the balance need help and support. The community can help everyone heal, which helps the kids, the parents, and so the community.
Listen but don’t take over
A single parent has no one to bounce ideas off of, or only other people in their same boat. As a single mom, I sometimes wanted to bounce an idea off a man because they saw things from a different angle, but I also didn’t want them to take over.
Be generous with praise
I was standing in line in Walmart one night behind a woman with a very tired three-year-old. She looked exhausted and her child was cranky and difficult. She apologized for his behavior. I said, “You are doing a great job Mama. It’s so hard when they are this age.” Her eyes filled up with tears. It’s just so rare to hear praise when you’re a single mom. A little grace to the parent lets the pressure off and the grace trickles down to the kids.
Give practical help
House & vehicle repair – But don’t announce that it’s a single mom needing help, because it paints a target on them for predators and pedophiles! Let the parent choose who feels safe to them. Bring your wife or husband with you if they feel safe to the single parent. iIt can be lovely to the little family, and reassures everyone.
Gift & Gas Cards – Being poor means loss of choices; a gift card gives that back to you. We couldn’t afford to buy presents when invited to kids’ birthday parties so my kids didn’t go, further isolating them. Gift cards let kids participate.
Transportation. – Again, the drivers must feel safe to the parent.
Share event tickets and information – Share the tickets if you don’t need them, or invite them along with you. Share info on discounts, sports scholarships, fresh fruits and veggies on sale.
Most of all, give grace.
And thank you, kind person, for wondering how to care for single parents and their children in your community!
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