Love can be tricky, right?
Even when someone truly loves you, sometimes they still push you away.
It’s not a nice feeling when things are going great and then out of nowhere, you’re getting the cold shoulder from someone you really care about. It’s stressful and super confusing. It’s easy to assume you’ve done something wrong.
But don’t forget: there’s a lot more going on in someone’s mind than you realize. And usually, it’s more about them than you. Even though they’re pushing you away, there’s a chance they really love you, they’re just battling their own demons.
It’s impossible to figure all of this out on our own but luckily experts in behavior and psychology have done extensive work to help us to understand what’s happening.
Today, we’re sharing 7 reasons he’s pushing you way when he loves you, according to psychology. Hopefully, it’ll help you to see things more clearly.
Let’s get started.
1) He’s afraid to get close
Have you ever met someone who seemed super keen at the start, but as things progressed and serious feelings started to develop, they pulled back?
One of the reasons some guys push others away like this is because they’re afraid to get close. But they’re not doing it on purpose, it’s a subconscious thing.
“A fear of intimacy is often subconscious and affects a person’s ability to form or maintain close relationships. They don’t intentionally reject love from another.” as noted by Sabrina Felson MD and team.
The thing is: people with a deep-rooted fear of intimacy don’t want to push those they love away. Sometimes they even long for closeness but they can’t help themselves, they drive people away and sabotage their relationships.
If someone you love is struggling with intimacy, know that it’s not about you and they can overcome it if they’re willing to work at it. The best thing you can do is keep the communication open, be patient, and support them without pushing them into anything.
2) He doesn’t feel good enough for you
Another reason a guy pushes you away when he loves you is he doesn’t feel good enough for you.
When your man has low self-esteem he finds it hard to believe that you could really love him because he feels unlovable and simply not good enough for you. Doubting himself and his worth like this can cause him to push you away, even though he’s got strong feelings for you.
Clinical psychologist Suzanne Lachmann shares that with low self-esteem:
“You may be hesitant and afraid of allowing yourself to love so that you either abandon your partner before you can be abandoned or you won’t allow yourself to get fully into a relationship in the first place”.
If he’s pushing you away even though he loves you, it might be because he’s got low self-esteem and doesn’t feel good enough.
3) He’s afraid to be hurt again
If you’ve ever had your heart broken by someone you loved, you’ll know that it’s one of the most painful things you can go through and you’ll do everything you can to avoid it happening again.
It’s not surprising that people who’ve been hurt in past relationships are a little cautious and hesitant to let love in again. When heartbreak is caused by cheating or a break in trust, the impact is huge.
As outlined by a recent study on the cause and effects of love and infidelity: “The impact of this life-altering event challenges the person’s sense of self, safety, and trust in another who is supposed to be their “secure base” for love and adoration”.
Your partner pushing you away when he loves you might have more to do with his past and his fears about being hurt again than it does with you. Do you know his relationship history? Understanding his past might help you to make sense of his behavior now.
4) He’s not comfortable being vulnerable
Does your partner struggle to open up and let you in? It’s like as soon as there’s a risk of him being rejected, embarrassed, or exposed in any way he clams up and looks for an escape.
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If this resonates, it suggests he struggles with vulnerability. A lot of people feel uncomfortable being vulnerable with others. Sometimes it seems easier to push others away than to put themselves out there and be truly open.
Your partner’s discomfort with vulnerability could be the reason he’s pushing you away. But like most things in life, it’s something he can overcome in time with love, support, and patience.
It’s important to remind him that although it might not feel like it, vulnerability is a strength, not a weakness, and being vulnerable is a must-have for a healthy relationship.
Brené Brown, renowned researcher and author, says “Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren’t always comfortable, but they’re never weakness.”
5) He’s not emotionally available
I once dated this great guy, he was funny, charming, and caring. There was just one problem, I found it difficult to get close to him and feel like I really knew him.
We got along well but we could never get past surface-level stuff. If the conversation got too real for him, he’d make jokes to lighten the mood and change the subject. And when things felt too serious he’d push me away for weeks at a time.
Back then I didn’t understand it but years later I realized that he probably wasn’t emotionally available which meant he wasn’t able to respond to my emotional needs or cues and he had difficulty getting close to me.
Does this sound like your partner?
If so, there’s a chance that the reason he’s pushing you away is because he’s emotionally unavailable. Unfortunately, this is something many people grapple with. It’s not that he doesn’t want to be close to you or he doesn’t love you, he just doesn’t know how to deal with emotions.
6) He’s afraid to commit
You know that anxious feeling you get when you’re making a big life decision like changing career, buying a house, or moving country? It’s normal to feel like that as you start a new relationship as well because there are lots of uncertainties ahead.
But here’s the thing: for some people it’s more than just a little anxiety.
They feel paralyzed by their intense fear of commitment. This causes them to avoid committing altogether and push people away in the process. It’s not a reflection of how they feel about their partner.
“They may be in love, want to spend time with you, and even desire to get closer. Yet, they might have a hard time dealing with the dedication and engagement this may require.” as outlined by mental health writers Sandra Silva Casabianca and Kate Bettino.
If it’s clear that your partner loves you yet he’s pushing you away, he might be struggling with a fear of commitment.
7) He’s stressed in other areas of life (it has nothing to do with you)
Everything’s not always about you….in the best way possible!
It’s worth remembering that sometimes, your guy has other things going on in life that need his attention and stress him out. Sure, it distracts him from being as attentive as he usually is to you, but it doesn’t mean you’ve done anything wrong.
When my partner and I got together first, just when things were getting serious, it was like he dropped off the face of the earth. He was hard to contact, barely responsive, and had no interest in hanging out with me. I was devastated and worried we were ending before we really began.
Turned out: he was working on a super stressful project at work and he was putting all of his energy into that. We were still in that phase where you present your best self and act like you’re always happy and in control so he didn’t want to share his struggles with me.
It would have been better if he had because then I wouldn’t have been driving myself crazy trying to figure out why he was pushing me away.
If he’s pushing you away and you can’t figure out why, it might be something totally unrelated to your relationship. Try asking him how things are going and encourage him to open up, reminding him that you’re ready to see that side of him.
The bottom line
There are so many reasons why a guy might push you away when he’s in love with you, it doesn’t automatically mean he’s not interested anymore.
Instead of jumping to conclusions and trying to solve the puzzle all by yourself, the best thing to do is try talking to him about it.
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