1. Start the Conversation Early in Your Relationship
You don’t need to ask for someone’s balance sheet on a first date — in fact, please don’t — but Coambs says that you can start assessing your financial compatibility with someone pretty early on.
A few months into a relationship, start talking about your own financial goals — things like retirement plans, home ownership, paying off debt — and ask about theirs. Coambs recommends asking open-ended questions that allow you to talk about your attitudes toward these things rather than specific numbers. You might ask: Do you have plans or goals to buy a home? How do you feel about what you’ve been able to save for retirement so far? Even a high-level answer to this question will give you a sense of whether or not their financial goals and behavior are in line with yours.
“This is the time to start thinking, ‘How comfortable is this person with being financially transparent? How are we going to manage the flow of money in our life?’ These things really matter,” Coambs says.
No two people have the exact same outlook on money, so it’s okay if you and your partner think differently on certain things. But big incompatibilities — maybe one of you likes to spend while the other wants to live on a very limited budget and retire early — are a red flag, Coambs says.
2. And Continue Talking About It
Talking about money should be an ongoing conversation in a healthy relationship — particularly one where you both have plans to eventually share money decisions or finances — and financial transparency with one another should grow.
According to apoll published in January 2022 by CreditCards.com, 32 percent of coupled adults admitted to “cheating” on their partner financially, by either spending more shared money than their partner would be okay with, holding secret debt, or keeping a secret credit card or bank account.
Talking about finances (honestly) can help you avoid this type of financial “cheating.” Before you start sharing finances with someone else — which might look like opening a joint bank account, buying property together, or getting married — you should be completely financially transparent with each other. “You should know each other’s full net worth,” Coambs says. “All the money doesn’t need to be merged, but you need to have a complete picture of your partner’s debt, assets, and bank account statements.”
If you don’t see eye-to-eye on finances, but plan to get married, consider a prenuptial agreement that outlines whether or not you’ll merge your money and how things will be split in the case of a divorce.
Coambs adds, however, don’t blindside your partner by asking for a prenup out of nowhere. “Instead, have a conversation about why you want a prenup and where you’re coming from,” he says. “Some people interpret prenups as a planned failure or a lack of trust, but really, they’re a way to prevent people from feeling trapped.”
3. Be Open About Your Past Experiences With Money
Talking and being on the same page about a future budget or being open about sharing certain numbers (like income, expenses, and retirement goals) are important parts of the money conversation. But numbers and financial aspirations are not the whole conversation.
“It’s not just the technical details of what to do with money, but also both parties’ emotions around money and how they feel talking about it.”
Everyone’s relationship with money is a culmination of all their lived experiences, not just their current situation. Some people have trauma around not having had enough money to meet their needs as a child, or around having plenty of money and then suddenly losing it. This can create lots of fear around spending money and having enough, Coambs says.
Other people grew up with complete financial security, which might make them more risk-tolerant and less stressed about finances overall.
Coambs recommends that partners share their histories with each other, and that they be open in all money conversations about how these histories may be shaping their feelings and decisions.
4. Schedule Money Conversations Ahead of Time
Whether you’re planning a money talk with your partner, your parents, or someone else you share financial responsibilities with — say, a roommate you share expenses with or a sibling with shared family money — it really helps to plan ahead.
“When financial pressures and problems are present, they can show up as fear, avoidance, anger, embarrassment, and anxiety,” says Derek Hagen, a financial therapist and owner of Money Health Solutions in Minneapolis.
Bringing up the topic on the fly when someone isn’t expecting it can increase anxiety even more, and may exacerbate anger and defensiveness, Hagen says.
Coambs recommends carving out plenty of time in a private, quiet environment with minimal distractions — if you have young kids, it’s best to find a time when they’re not around — so that the discussion is as smooth and relaxed as possible. Both of you will be more at ease, and the conversation will be more productive because both parties will have had time to think about it beforehand.
5. Talk to a Financial Planner
If you don’t see eye-to-eye with your partner or other family members about money (and even if you do) it can be helpful to get an objective, third-party perspective.
“The financial planning piece is mathematical,” Coambs says. A planner will assess your current situation and offer suggestions around what you need to do to reach your financial goals.
Many people are intimidated by this because they’re scared to make changes to their money habits, but it’s better to have a plan for your financial future — and an outlined path to achieving your goals — than to fly blind. Guidance from a financial planner gives you a shared starting point, and then you can discuss how you’ll implement the advice (or not) together.
6. Talk About How You’re Going to Talk to Your Kids About Money
Everyone’s relationship with money is shaped by their childhood, so Coambs tells parents not to shy away from addressing the topic with their kids.
Astudy published in September 2020 in the journal Frontiers in Psychology found that early childhood consumer experiences — like having a bank account as a child, or being taught to save up for certain items — was associated with higher financial well-being as an adult.
“Conversations about sharing start around age 3 or 4,” he says. “You can include money in these conversations, because money is something that’s shared.” Don’t talk about it like it’s the most important thing in the world, but don’t pretend like it doesn’t exist, either.
If you have kids, one of the most important financial lessons you can teach them is that it’s possible to get what they want, but not instantly and not all the time, Coambs says. Doing things like giving an allowance or offering payment for certain chores or jobs can help kids feel empowered to make their own money, and their own money decisions.
Decide with your partner how you’ll handle these conversations.
7. Expect Hurdles
The goal of financial intimacy isn’t to agree on every single money decision, because that’s virtually impossible. Instead, Coambs says, it’s about learning how to navigate money decisions in a healthy, productive way that makes everyone feel heard.
“In every season of life, you’re going to find that you and your partner have different ideas about money,” Coambs says. “It’s not about getting through one financial problem or making one financial decision, it’s about finding a way to make decisions and solve problems together.”
Even with similar financial values, you’re bound to clash in some areas. For example, one partner might see private school tuition as the most important way to spend money on their children, while the other might believe that exposing their kids to different cultures through regular travel is more important. By respecting each other’s point of view and being willing to compromise (which sometimes means meeting in the middle and other times means letting one partner get what they want in one area while the other gets what they want somewhere else), you’re less likely to build resentment towards each other.
“Learning how to manage money together will benefit your relationship, and you as an individual, for decades,” Coambs says.
