After taking a Financial Peace University course[1], Harry and his wife, Penny, agreed to get out of debt. About three years later, Penny discovered a garnishment letter in Harry’s name from a credit card company that totaled over twenty thousand dollars. She was at first shocked, then angry— wondering what else Harry was hiding from her. After Penny discovered his deception, she reached out for biblical marriage counseling.
Keeping money secrets from your spouse, like Harry’s secret spending habits, is called financial infidelity. It is not just one financial incident but a pattern of habitually hiding financial activities from a spouse. The subject of finances is one of the greatest divisive topics in marriage. Both spouses have their own unique views about money, which can lead to financial infidelity.
The Destructive Impact of Financial Infidelity
Financial infidelity is a pervasive problem for Christian marriages and one of the leading causes of divorce.[2] It can be as detrimental to love and trust as any other traditionally recognized marital issue, such as adultery, if not identified, confronted, and addressed by both spouses. The topic of money must no longer be taboo. Every couple must examine their relationship for the risk of financial infidelity.
Typical cases of financial infidelity often involve having secret credit cards or bank accounts, hiding compulsive shopping or gambling debts, or secretly taking money from the joint savings or retirement accounts. When the deception is exposed, it wreaks havoc on the relationship—ushering in feelings of anger, betrayal, and loss of trust and communication, which often lead to divorce. Marriages damaged by financial infidelity need to go back to the basics of a biblical understanding of money in order to overcome it.
A Biblical Understanding of Money in Marriage
Financial infidelity should be addressed not merely as an individual’s problem but as a relational problem in the marriage. Oneness and unity in the marriage relationship are often hindered because of differing views on money. The behaviors of a frugal person, a saver, a spender, or a free spirit can become idolatrous. These different views have the potential to cause marital conflict over finances due to a lack of understanding or submission to biblical principles of money. The couple must adopt a common standard or value system about their finances. The Scriptures outline God’s biblical principles of money:
- God gives man the ability to make money (Deut. 8:18).
- Everything we have belongs to God (Ps. 24:1).
- Our souls are more valuable than gold (Matt. 16:26).
- We are to keep away from coveting (Ex. 20:17; Heb. 13:5).
- God expects us to work (Ex. 20:9).
- God commands us to give (2 Cor. 9:7).
- God commands us to plan (Prov. 27:23-24).
- God warns against debt (Prov. 22:7).
God has faithfully given biblical principles to guide our financial decisions within marriage. They are the standards by which financial disputes and conflicts should be settled.
Overcoming Financial Infidelity
The gospel of Jesus Christ gives hope for a marriage damaged by financial infidelity. In the gospel, there is repentance, grace, forgiveness, and reconciliation. For such an act of betrayal, it will take time for a marriage to rebuild the damage that was done. The couple must put their hope in God’s principles of overcoming financial infidelity and restoring their marriage by putting the gospel to action.
Financial Repentance
Financial repentance is for both spouses (Acts 3:19-20). Harry must confess and repent of his financial betrayal in totality. Penny must confess and repent of any sinful thoughts, words, and actions on her part. This must take place individually before God and then with one another. Honesty is crucial in reaching a marital resolution to resolve their differences.
Financial Grace
Financial grace is giving undeserved favor. Harry and Penny must give each other grace when they have been sinned against. They must also receive grace from each other (Eph. 4:29). Financial grace entails praying for each other’s weaknesses instead of pointing blame. They must open their hearts to begin praying, especially about their finances. Praying together over their finances opens them up to a different level of intimacy because they will learn that they can be safe sharing their vulnerabilities with each other.
Financial Forgiveness
Financial forgiveness is releasing your right to be bitter and resentful toward your spouse over financial issues. It is letting your spouse off the hook and releasing him or her to God so that restoration between your spouse and God can take place (Col. 3:12-13). Financial secrets poison the marriage relationship. Harry and Penny must be aware of the temptation to self-protect in response to hurt emotions. They must beware of misunderstandings, overblown reactions, and what is a genuine offense. Forgiveness does not happen in a vacuum. There will be other marital issues that will overlap with the financial issues that must be addressed as well. It is important to come together and communicate any wrongs committed with an open hurt to forgive.
Financial Reconciliation
Financial reconciliation is the mutual agreement of both spouses to follow the biblical principles of money. Communication is key to financial reconciliation (Matt. 5:23-24). Each spouse must feel safe to talk about every aspect of their financial lives, from fears to goals.
Communication and commitment to biblical financial concepts are necessary to take the next steps to financial reconciliation. This involves implementing the practical steps of budgeting, which is a financial goal measuring the income and the outgo of the family’s money. There must be routine meetings to talk about the budget and to share the responsibility of managing the family’s money. If necessary, they should meet with a financial coach or advisor. Consistent meetings will help to keep each other accountable in order to stay on track to reach the agreed-upon financial goals. Following these biblical principles will restore financial fidelity in the marriage relationship.
Questions for Reflection
How has your upbringing influenced your understanding of money in marriage? What idolatrous heart issues surrounding finances are present in your heart and your spouse’s heart? Are you or your spouse enabling or contributing to sinful financial viewpoints and behaviors? Are you willing to reach out to a counselor, financial coach, or advisor for help?
[1] Dave Ramsey, Financial Peace Revisited, (New York: Penguin Group, 2003), x.
[2] Dave Ramsey, Financial Peace Revisited, 195.
