Everything to Know About Emotional Cheating, According to a Clinical Psychologist (2024)

While engaging in a sexual relationship with someone other than your partner definitely constitutes cheating, a common misconception of infidelity is that a physically intimate act needs to be present. A physical affair might be the stereotypical picture of adultery, but there are many other types of unfaithful acts that are more nuanced and arguably more difficult to detect. One such example is emotional cheating, when an individual has an emotionally intimate connection with another person outside of the committed relationship, whether that be a colleague, a close friend, or someone on social media.

With an emotional affair, while the start of the relationship may be innocent, and while nothing physical ever happens, the impact can be just as damaging. When one partner crosses a boundary by investing a lot of time and energy in someone who isn’t their significant other, the result is often pain, conflict, insecurity, and shattered trust. “Over time, this can erode the foundation of the relationship, leading to potential separation or significant dissatisfaction within the partnership,” says Dr. Elizabeth Carr, clinical psychologist and owner of Kentlands Psychotherapy.

At times, it might seem challenging to differentiate between maintaining a close friendship and committing an emotionally unfaithful act, so if you’re wondering whether you or your partner might be having an emotional affair, we asked Carr to unpack this concept, including the definition, signs, and causes—plus, how to proceed if you suspect emotional infidelity is present in your partnership.

Read on to discover what is emotional cheating and what to do about it.

What Is Emotional Cheating?

Emotional cheating is the forming of a deep emotional bond with someone other than your partner, which threatens the emotional intimacy of your primary relationship. “It often involves sharing personal thoughts, romantic feelings, or secrets with this other person that, in a monogamous relationship, we reserve for our partner,” Carr explains.

This form of infidelity doesn’t involve physical intimacy, whether that be kissing or having sex, unlike a physical affair. And since deception and secrecy are key defining factors of emotional infidelity, the concept isn’t synonymous with an open relationship, which is mutually agreed upon, Carr notes. While the origins and characteristics of emotional cheating differ depending on the couple involved, the impact is often detrimental to the partnership, impeding any semblance of trust and leading to insecurities and feelings of betrayal and hurt.

The Difference Between Emotional Cheating and a Close Friendship

Based on the aforementioned definition, you might be wondering how emotional cheating differs from a meaningful friendship with another person. While it seems like there’s a fine line, emotional affairs involve a high level of emotional intimacy and deceit, unlike platonic relationships. “In a platonic friendship, our interactions are open and transparent and do not detract from or compete with the intimacy of the primary relationship,” Carr mentions. “In contrast, emotional cheating involves a level of secrecy, emotional intimacy, or reliance on someone that should typically be reserved for one's partner.”

The Difference Between Emotional Cheating and Micro-Cheating

Emotional cheating is also separate from micro-cheating, which is defined by small, brief actions toward someone outside of the relationship that are seen as breaches of trust. Carr cites removing your wedding ring at a bar to flirt with someone else or checking in with an ex online as examples. While micro-cheating can entail flirting, romantic gestures, or secretive interactions, emotional affairs are ongoing and much deeper. Nonetheless, Carr notes micro-cheating can have the same negative effect as a full-blown affair.

Causes of Emotional Cheating

Emotional affairs have many different causes, some of which are harmless or well-meaning. “Emotional affairs often begin as innocent friendships or connections,” Carr says. “Over time, these relationships can deepen, especially if individuals begin to share personal issues, seek comfort, or give emotional support that crosses the boundaries of friendship.” Read on to discover some of the common factors that might cause someone to instigate an emotional affair.

Unmet Emotional Needs

When an individual in an exclusive relationship isn’t getting their emotional needs met, they might be tempted to look elsewhere to fill that void. Maybe the individual has a partner who dismisses their feelings or one who has trouble being vulnerable with them. Whatever the reason, the person may commit emotional infidelity to restore the emotional support and connection that’s missing from their current partnership.

Poor Communication

Another cause of emotional cheating is having difficulty communicating, from an aggressive communication style to one that’s virtually nonexistent. When two people are unable to share their thoughts and feelings in a civilized, respectful manner, this can lead to misunderstandings, frequent arguments, hurt feelings, and resentment. As a result, one or both parties may resort to an outside source to confide in.

An Act of Revenge

If someone in the relationship is angry at the other person, whether it’s irresponsible spending habits or inconsiderate lifestyle habits at home, they might engage in emotional cheating as a way to get back at their partner or spouse—rather than deal with the source of discontentment.

Signs Your Partner Is Emotionally Cheating on You

Now that you have a better understanding of what emotional cheating is, you might be curious how to know if your significant other is being emotionally unfaithful. Here are some of the warning signs to watch out for, according to Carr:

• Your partner seems withdrawn, both physically and emotionally.
• Your partner criticizes you more frequently.
• Your partner hides their digital devices when you’re around.
• Your partner spends more time outside of the house for unknown reasons.
• Your partner gets defensive when you ask where they’ve been.
• Your partner comes up with vague excuses, such as working on a project or spending time with a friend.
• You have a gut feeling something is off.

Signs You’re Emotionally Cheating on Your Partner

On the other hand, if you’re concerned that your friendship with another person might constitute emotional cheating, Carr shares some of the signs below:

• You keep the friendship a secret from your partner.
• You hide conversations or details about the person from your partner.
• You have more intimate conversations with the person than your significant other.
• You feel like this individual understands you better than your partner.
• You spend more time with the other individual than you do with your partner.
• You find excuses to be with this person.
• You are more distant from your partner than usual.
• You are more excited to spend time with the person than your partner.
• You find yourself comparing your significant other to the other individual.
• You get defensive when your partner confronts you about your friendship or your recent physical or emotional absence.

What to Do If You or Your Partner Is Emotionally Cheating

If you or your partner meets some or all of the above signs, here’s how to proceed.

Confront the Partner

The first step entails acknowledging that emotional infidelity might be present. If you suspect your partner is emotionally cheating on you, confront your significant other in an assertive-yet-calm way; accusing them of adulterous behavior will only make them shut down and get defensive. Then, listen to what they have to say, watching for suspicious responses. “Unfaithful partners often ‘panic-lie’ reflexively when confronted, leaving the betrayed partner feeling ‘crazy’ and gaslit,” Carr notes.

If you’re the one who might be emotionally cheating, coming clean to your partner will help attempt to restore the loss of trust. While talking to your significant other, be sure to accept responsibility for your behavior and apologize for the unfaithful act. If you have an idea what the cause of the adulterous behavior might be, disclose that to your significant other, so they can understand where you’re coming from and better meet your needs.

Assess the Relationship

Whether you engaged in emotional cheating or you’ve been cheated on, both parties should assess the relationship, thinking about whether it’s worthwhile to repair the damage or better to part ways. “Evaluate what needs were not being met for each of you and what may have contributed to the emotional affair,” Carr advises. While doing this assessment, if you’ve been cheated on, keep in mind that your partner might have committed an adulterous act for reasons that aren’t related to you at all, which could affect your decision.

Talk to a Professional

If the two of you are having trouble navigating your relationship and rebuilding trust after the emotionally unfaithful act, consider trying couples counseling. An impartial person with professional training will help you work through your issues and differences. “When seeking professional help, be sure that you select someone with expertise in this area and not a clinician who reflexively blames the betrayed partner out of naivety, bias, or inexperience,” Carr warns.

Restore the Loss of Trust

No matter what emotional cheating looks like, a loss of trust in the wrongdoer is a common effect. If the two of you have decided that you want to mend your relationship, the party who committed the adulterous act will need to earn the other person’s trust back—which is completely possible, yet it requires a great deal of effort and consistency on the transgressor’s part. Regaining your partner’s trust requires taking full responsibility for the problem, making amends, and communicating openly and honestly from this point forward.

How to Protect Your Relationship From an Emotional Affair

For those who haven’t experienced or engaged in emotional cheating but are wondering how to prevent this form of infidelity from threatening their relationship, there are steps you can take to protect your partnership.

Communicate Openly

Since affairs of all kinds thrive on secrecy, having consistent, open communication with your partner will make it clear that you’re committed to them and no one else. Plus, openly discussing your thoughts and feelings and actively listening to your significant other share theirs will bring the two of you closer, meaning an emotional affair is less likely to occur.

Set Boundaries

To prevent emotional cheating from wreaking havoc on your union, Carr recommends clearly defining any behavior with your partner’s supposed friend that you believe is inappropriate. Any time your significant other has crossed that line, reassert the boundary. If an infringement upon your boundaries is recurring, you may want to talk to a professional or consider leaving the relationship.

Spend Quality Time Together

Because emotional cheating is often the result of an emotional disconnect, spending one-on-one time with your partner will strengthen your bond, per Carr. If the two of you have conflicting schedules, schedule downtime with your significant other, such as weekly date nights. Otherwise, throughout the week, make an effort to acknowledge your loved one every day, whether it’s complimenting their outfit or bringing home their favorite baked goods.

See a Therapist

No relationship is perfect, so every couple could benefit from seeing a licensed clinician. Even if emotional infidelity is absent from your union, Carr says talking to a therapist will help you address underlying issues and improve your communication, thereby strengthening your connection.