Excerpt from Effective Apology | Penguin Random House Canada (2024)

FAQs

What are the 5 R's of apology? ›

In five chapters, I discuss what I call the five Rs of apology: recognition, responsibility, remorse, restitution, and repetition.

An effective apology -- one that is thoughtful, genuine and timely – can eases tension, restores trust, and benefits both parties. On the other hand, an insincere apology can make matters worse. Most people can sense when someone is being insincere and they may become even more offended than they initially were.

For an apology to be effective, it has to be genuine. A successful apology validates that the other person felt offended, and acknowledges responsibility (you accept that your actions caused the other person pain).

Be aware of your own response to anger and be on the lookout for early signs of anger in others. Then apply the four As: Agree/Admit to the facts of the situation, Acknowledge its impact, Apologize for the situation, and Act to correct it.

Ingall and McCarthy suggest avoiding language like “Sorry if …” (“Sorry if you were offended”), “Sorry but …” (“Sorry, but I had every right to yell”), and “Sorry you …” (“I'm sorry you took that the wrong way”). Don't include words like “obviously,” “regrettable,” and “unfortunate” either.

Acknowledge what you did wrong

It's important for the person you're apologizing to to see that you recognize your mistake, so be clear and explicit about the actions or behaviors you're sorry for. Showing an understanding of what went wrong without avoiding the details can show your apology is genuine.

A “true apology does not include the word 'but,'" she says. According to Lerner, a good example of an apology goes like this: “I'm really sorry about what I said at the party last night. It was insensitive and uncalled for.” It isn't a good apology if you shift the focus to the other person's feelings or response.

Forgiving without an apology is possible. It requires practicing empathy, focusing on yourself, and letting go of resentment. Remember that forgiveness is not about excusing the other person's behavior, but rather about freeing yourself from the burden of anger and bitterness.

When should you refuse an apology? ›

You might choose to decline an apology, especially if you suspect it to be insincere. Declining an apology is different than passively ignoring an apology and usually involves an active stance that requires decision and expression, such as saying, “No, I do not accept your apology” if it is safe to do so.

I realize I hurt your feelings, and I'm sorry," acknowledges that you know what it was you said that hurt the other person, and you take responsibility for it. Don't make assumptions and don't try to shift the blame.

So, blending these all together, we have a total of ten R's — but they still fall into four basic categories: Remorse/Regret. Responsibility/Recognize. Restitution/Repair/Redress.

The 5 R's of Christianity: Repentance, Redemption, Restitution, Reconciliation, & Restoration. I would like to start a series of articles regarding what I believe are the 5 “r's” of Christianity. You may also refer to them as Christian essentials.