Should children attend funerals? When someone dies, adults are faced with difficult choices about whether children should attend or participate in funerals and memorial services.
Many factors come into play, including the child's age, maturity and ability to understand basic concepts about death, dying and loss. These guidelines about children at funerals can help:
Is the Child Ready?
As a general guideline, children should be allowed to attend a wake, funeral and burial if they want to. They can also be involved in the funeral planning. Joining family members for these rituals gives the child a chance to receive grief support from others and say goodbye in their own way to the person who has died.
Children should never be forced to attend a funeral or memorial service. It is important, however, to understand a child’s reasons for not wanting to attend so that their fears or questions can be addressed. Questions might be: “What is the thing you are most afraid of about the funeral?” “What do you think you might feel if you were to go to the memorial service?” "Do you have any questions about what it will be like?"
Prepare Children
Always prepare children for what will happen. Allay their anxieties by describing the funeral process step by step (what they will see, how other people might react, how they might feel). It is important to remind the child that crying or not crying are both OK. Extra attention and affection from adults may be necessary so children do not feel forgotten or neglected. It is helpful to make arrangements with a trusted adult so a child can leave the funeral or memorial service early if they wish.
Give Children a Choice
Children should NEVER be forced to view or touch the body of someone who has died. They need to be given a choice that will be respected. If they are going to view the body, it is helpful to remind them that death is final and to describe ahead of time how the body might look. An explanation could go like this: “Sally will be lying in a wooden box called a casket. She will look like she is sleeping, but she is not. She is dead. Her chest will not rise and fall because she is not breathing. If you touch her, she will feel cold and hard.”
For some children, touching the body may satisfy their curiosity, or serve as a goodbye or an expression of love. Sometimes a child does need to touch or see the body to know that death is real. If a child chooses not to, an adult can gently assure the child that their loved one looked peaceful or at ease.
Children can be asked if there is anything they would like buried with their loved one. It is often comforting for the child to place a small gift, memento, drawing, letter or a picture of themselves in the casket.
Explaining Burial and Cremation to a Child
If funeral plans include a burial, it helps to explain to a child in detail what that means. Children who understand burial are less likely to develop fantasies about where their loved one was put to rest. An explanation may go like this:” The casket will be sealed shut and then taken to a cemetery, where other people who have died are buried in the ground" or "The ashes will be placed in a special resting place in a building called a mausoleum. We can visit any time we want.”
It is sometimes difficult for a child to understand cremation. Remind the child that the person who has died is no longer able to feel sensations, and they will not experience pain. If the child wants to view the body before a cremation, most mortuaries can arrange for this. When describing cremation to a child, it might be helpful to say: “Cremation happens at a place called a crematory. There they use heat to change the body into ashes. These ashes are usually placed in a special box and the family decides what they want to do with the ashes.”
FAQs
Make sure they understand what will be happening at the funeral or burial. Describe step by step what they will see (open casket or cremains in an urn, etc.) and how other people might be reacting. Explain that crying or not crying are both acceptable.
What is the etiquette for children at funerals? ›
Children should NEVER be forced to view or touch the body of someone who has died. They need to be given a choice that will be respected. If they are going to view the body, it is helpful to remind them that death is final and to describe ahead of time how the body might look.
What is the protocol for attending a memorial service? ›
Avoid eating and drinking inside the church or funeral home (unless food and refreshments are offered) or answering phone calls during the service. Whether you are attending a memorial service or traditional burial service, consider sending flowers (or a plant) with a sentiment card at least one day prior the event.
How do you explain a memorial service to a child? ›
Explain the purpose of the service to the child. For example, share with the children a funeral or memorial service is a place for family and friends to gather together and celebrate the life of the person who died. A funeral or memorial service also creates a place for people to remember and to grieve.
What is the most important guideline when discussing death with children? ›
Young children may ask very direct questions about death, if given the chance. It's important to be honest and consistent with your response. If they ask a question that you don't know the answer to, it's OK to say so, rather than make up an answer. Children at a very young age can sense falseness in an answer.
Should children attend open casket funerals? ›
If your child plans on viewing the body of their loved one at the funeral, make sure that you are by his or her side. Most children don't attend funerals unless the service is for a family member or close family friend, so viewing the body can be hard for a child, and may elicit strong emotions. overwhelming.
Should a 7 year old go to a parents funeral? ›
A child's age should not dictate whether they attend or not. Chronological age has nothing to do with whether the child should attend a funeral. Assisting your child to choose whether they attend or not is the most important first step.
Is it rude not to go to a memorial service? ›
Etiquette experts say that it depends on your closeness to whether you want or need to decide to attend a funeral. If it is a member of your family, it is a must to attend his/her funeral. Same as if it is your close friend, attending is necessary to show your love and thoughtfulness to that person.
What to say and not to say at a memorial service? ›
Keep your words brief, clear, and specific. As previously mentioned, the funeral is not the time to share off-color jokes or an embarrassing story. Talk about how much you'll miss the deceased and how much the person meant to you.
What is the difference between a funeral and a memorial service? ›
Funeral vs Memorial Service
A funeral service occurs with the body is present and has four main parts: the visitation, funeral, committal, and reception. In contrast, a memorial service contains much of the same structure although the deceased's body is not present at the service.
Here are some examples of what to say at a funeral:
- I'm sorry for your loss.
- He will be missed by everyone that knew him.
- She was a lovely woman and will be greatly missed.
- You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
- When you're ready, I'm here for you.
You can help children prepare for a funeral by talking to them about what to expect. Walk them through the process and let them know who and what they will see. There is a lot of information for children to digest, so don't feel like you have to discuss everything at once.
How to explain a funeral to a 5 year old? ›
Explain to a child why we have funerals.
Describe that our culture uses rituals to honor a person's life and give space for those who care about the person to express their feelings after a loss.
What should you never say when explaining death to a child? ›
Phrases like “Passed away, gone to sleep, he's with grandma, lost their life” do not explain in concrete terms that their loved one has died. A child's fear, for example, could cause them to search for their lost loved one or fear going to bed.
What are the 3 C's that concern children when they are losing a loved one? ›
The four “C's”: Common concerns of grieving children and youth
- Can I catch it?
- Did I cause it?
- Could I have cured it?
- Who will care for me?
This is a part of trying to take it all in and making sense of it.
- Ask all the questions you need to. ...
- It may help to see your child after they have died. ...
- Find a quiet place. ...
- Explain what has happened. ...
- Repeat information. ...
- Let them talk. ...
- Answer questions. ...
- Talk about death.
It is important to give kids the space, toys, and craft materials they need in order to express their feelings and thoughts. If we only look for words or try to force children to speak their grief then we will miss what they really have to say about it.
Should a son speak at his father's funeral? ›
Speaking at your father's funeral is a special way of honouring him and the relationship you had with him. Your public mourning could be a significant healing step for you as you grieve your loss of him. It may help others who are present in their grieving too.
Should children pay for their parents funeral? ›
Can you be forced to pay for your parent's funeral? No, as a child of the deceased, legally you have no obligation to hold a funeral and there's no law that states you have to pay for a ceremony. So, who legally has to pay for a funeral? In most circ*mstances' costs are covered by the deceased's estate.
Is it disrespectful to not go to your parents funeral? ›
Attending the funeral can be an important part of the grieving process and many people find that it helps them to find closure. If you are confident that attending will be detrimental to your mental health and wellbeing, then most people will respect your decision not to attend.
