Andrew G Marshall, marital therapist and author of How Can I Ever Trust You Again? Infidelity: From Discovery to Recovery in Seven Steps agrees. “Couples who came to me with infidelity were generally the most unhappy couples [I saw] when they walked through my door, but they always left the happiest.”
The reason for this, he says, is that “infidelity has a way of casting a light into all the dark corners of your relationship”. Money problems, issues with in-laws and sex are some of the conflicts that can come up after a partner cheats and the pair decide to work through it. “After infidelity, you're so determined not to ignore problems, that you tend to give the relationship a complete spring clean, and you end up with not the same old relationship back again, but a new improved one – if you want to,” says Marshall.
That last part is crucial. “Healing from infidelity could also mean ending the relationship, because not everyone is going to be able and willing to address the factors that caused [it]," warns Dr. Talal Alsaleem, marriage counsellor and another leading expert in infidelity.
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But if you do want to stay together, Alsaleem says, what happens immediately after an affair is discovered is hugely important: “What is particularly disruptive is some people try and save their relationship and keep the door open to the affair partner if it doesn't work out at the same time. And that is a recipe for disaster.”
If you do decide to try and work infidelity, one thing that is guaranteed is that it will be hard work – on both parties. Communication is key, even when it's awkward and painful. “Couples have to face all the trauma, shame and anger in a safe way, often intherapy,for the repair to work,” says Buckland. “Otherwise they bury all this and it will resurface at a later time. Honesty in explaining their inner world, their feelings and thoughts is the right way forward.”
Another difficult but necessary step is complete honesty about the infidelity itself – something our friends on The White Lotus are not so good at. Alsaleem says there is “crucial information needed” for both parties to heal whether together or individually, including the type of infidelity, the factors that led to it, and a frank examination of the damage it has caused. To make matters complicated, there is no universal standard when it comes to types of cheating or the road to recovery. One person could consider emotional infidelity significantly worse than sex, whereas someone else could feel the exact opposite. Alsaleem says every couple's action plan will need to address “their unique issues that contributed to the infidelity.”
The honesty needed to move forward can be Earth-shattering. “It makes you question everything, about yourself about your partner and about life,” says Marshall. We're told many simplistic things about love and relationships, but infidelity smashes them all to pieces.
“To discover our partner is infinitely more complex than we thought, and that's frightening," he explains. “But ultimately, it can bring you much closer because you get to know each other on a much deeper level going through all of it.”
So no, cheating isn't an automatic kiss of death in any relationship. It's undeniably traumatic and working through will take extraordinary patience, honesty and self-reflection. But if both parties want to, there is a chance of emerging with a new version of your relationship at the end. It's just going to take a lot more than a luxury holiday to Italy.
