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November 14, 2022
Contributing Sex & Relationships Editor
By Kelly Gonsalves
Contributing Sex & Relationships Editor
Kelly Gonsalves is a sex educator, relationship coach, and journalist. She received her journalism degree from Northwestern University, and her writings on sex, relationships, identity, and wellness have appeared at The Cut, Vice, Teen Vogue, Cosmopolitan, and elsewhere.
At the start of a new relationship, it's common to feel that butterflies-in-your-stomach, stars-in-your-eyes rush of emotions. But when exactly does the big "L" word come into play? When do things go from infatuation to really being in love?
Although every individual's pacing will inevitably be unique to them and the particular relationship they're in, here's what research and experts say about how long it takes to fall in love on average.
Men take an average of 88 days (about three months) to tell their partner they love them, whereas women take an average of 134 days (four and a half months), according to a 2013 survey conducted by YouGov and eHarmony.
They also found 39% of men say "I love you" within a month of dating someone, compared to 23% of women.
A 2011 study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology surveying small groups of undergraduate students found similar results. On average:
- Men think about confessing love 97 days (a little over three months) into a new relationship.
- Women think about confessing love 149 days (about five months) into a new relationship.
- Men think it becomes acceptable to confess love starting one month into a relationship.
- Women think it becomes acceptable to confess love starting six months into a relationship.
That said, there's no definitive amount of time it takes to fall in love that applies to everyone.
Some people wait much longer to say, "I love you," whereas other people swear they've experienced love at first sight. "Like most things, it does depend on the person and the circ*mstances," licensed couples' therapist Lexx Brown -James, Ph.D., LMFT, tells mbg.
Case in point: An 2018 survey of 1,000 British men and women found that while more than half of them take over three months to say, "I love you," 32% of women and 29% of men say it in one to three months—and 10% of women and 14% of men say it in just one to four weeks.
RELATED: The 8 Types Of Love + How To Know Which One You're Feeling
One 2017 survey found 72% of men and 61% of women believe in love at first sight, and a 2004 study found about a third of Americans say they've personally experienced it.
There's some science that backs up the concept: Some research suggests people decide within seconds whether they're romantically interested in someone, and neurologically speaking, it takes only one-fifth of a second for the neurochemical reaction associated with feelings of love to fire off.
But other research discounts the theory. A 2017 study in the Personal Relationships journal orchestrated a bunch of first encounters between single strangers, and the researchers found feelings of instant attraction can indeed happen in a first encounter.
Some people described these feelings as "love at first sight"—however, these people didn't report feelings of intimacy, passion, and commitment as part of their experience. The main predictor of a "love at first sight" experience was finding the other person physically attractive.
In other words, romantic love usually cannot happen at first sight, psychologist and sex therapist Lauren Fogel Mersy, PsyD, explains to mbg. "There can be a strong attraction at first sight, but romantic love for someone requires knowing who they are, the fullness of their character."
Summary
While research shows that your first encounter with someone can cause you to become instantly attracted to them, romantic love usually doesn't occur at first sight.
There are three stages in the development of romantic love, according to behavioral anthropologist Helen Fisher, Ph.D.:
- Lust: You feel a strong physical and sexual attraction.
- Attraction: You feel overwhelmingly drawn to the person, thinking about them constantly, wanting to be around them all the time, and feeling a mix of electricity and nervousness when you're together.
- Attachment: You feel securely connected and close to your partner, with feelings of deep affection, trust, and contentedness.
Love can be thought of as all three elements combined, according to clinical psychologist Bobbi Wegner, Psy.D. (But even love itself goes through phases—here are the stages of a relationship to expect.)
RELATED: What Are The 5 Love Languages? Everything You Need To Know
- You feel attached and connected to this person.
- There's way more than physical attraction going on—there's an emotional attachment.
- You don't really have those jittery butterfly feelings anymore. Instead, you feel a warm, steady contentment when you're with this person.
- You're very attentive to their needs and try to tend to them, and it's not because you want this person to like you. You just want them to be happy.
- You earnestly care about this person's well-being—regardless of whether you stay together.
- You would go to great lengths to take care of this person and to avoid hurting them.
- You feel alive, full, and fully yourself when you're with this person.
- The idea of learning more about this person's inner world lights you up.
- You want to be a better version of yourself.
- You may be thinking meaningfully about a future or long-term commitment with this person.
- You're not concerned about the risks of going deeper with this person.
- Saying you "like" them just doesn't feel like enough.
RELATED: What Does Love Feel Like? 10 Feelings You Get When You're In Love
Don't put pressure on it
You can't really force someone to fall in love with you, and it's important not to put pressure on the other person to get there before they're ready. "I would steer away from trying to do things to move the process along because it can easily become inauthentic and unsustainable," Brown-James says. "Not to mention it can feel like a betrayal when one person feels that love is owed to them as a reward for behavior."
Get vulnerable
Consider trying the infamous 36 questions to fall in love, a research-based experiment that many couples say has helped them create feelings of intimacy. "What I really learned from the excitement around those questions and desire to have a person fall in love is that vulnerability is the key to building relationship connection," Brown-James says. In other words, one piece of falling in love is being able to share really personal parts of yourself with the other person, to be truly open and vulnerable with one another.
Grow your emotional connection
Having an emotional connection with someone means that you're able to connect on a deeper level, beyond just having fun, physical attraction, or intellectual similarities. Being emotionally connected means you can rely on each other, feel seen by one another, and have shared feelings of romantic attachment. While you can't make someone fall in love with you, you can find ways of deepening your connection as a couple.
"Falling in love is something people often say they can feel immediately, and others say it feels like a slow burn, a winning over," Brown-James says.
How long it takes to fall in love will vary depending on the individual and the relationship they're in.
There's no real way to fast-forward the process and make someone fall in love, but there are plenty of ways to nurture a relationship so that those feelings can more easily manifest.
RELATED: The 36 Questions To Fall In Love: The Research Behind The Viral Experiment
FAQs
Falling in love typically takes a few months. Love at first sight is likely an expression of strong lust or physical desire that transforms over time into romantic love for each other. There is no definitive time frame for falling in love, though about 3–4 months may be a rough average, according to limited research.
How long does it take the average person to fall in love? ›
The average time for men to fall in love is 88 days, while those same feelings of true love take women 134 days. Another dating site, Elite Singles, did a poll in 2017 and found that 61 per cent of women believe in love at first sight, while 72 per cent of men do.
How long does science say it takes to fall in love? ›
According to Katie Ziskind, a holistic licensed marriage and family therapist in Niantic, Connecticut, it can take between 2 weeks and 4 months to love someone. But it may take longer before a person actually considers telling their partner they love them.
How long does it take to know you're falling in love? ›
There's no set timeline for falling in love. Some people feel instant attraction at first sight, while others may take months to form a deep connection. Love tends to be somewhat complicated. Most people would probably agree, in fact, that even “complicated” is putting it mildly.
How long will it take me to find love? ›
Love can be found at any stage of life, and there is no set age or timeline for when it should happen. Some people may find love at first sight, while others may take years of searching for a person that they fall in love with.
How soon is too soon to say "I love you"? ›
While men tended to consider confessions of love acceptable after about a month or so, women tended to say it was better to wait 2 to 3 months or so. Confessions of love generally inspired feelings of happiness, but men felt more positive about confessions that happened before the relationship became sexual.
How to tell if a guy is falling in love? ›
Other signs could include body language, consistent effort to spend time with you, physical touch, thoughtful, genuine compliments, and actions that differ from the way he acts toward or around his other friends.
What is the 3 month rule? ›
The three-month rule states you should date someone for 3 months before committing or taking it to the next level. This course of action can be useful, however, it's best to treat it as a guide rather than something to rigidly stick to.
How do you know if someone is falling in love with you? ›
- They have fun with you even if the task at hand is not fun, per se. Wavebreakmedia/Shutterstock. ...
- They look at you ... a lot. ...
- They pay more attention to you. ...
- They show empathy — in good times and bad. ...
- They remember the little things. ...
- They introduce you to the important people in their lives. ...
- They often mention the future.
Unfortunately, no “standard” amount of time is appropriate for a couple to feel like they are in love because every relationship is different.
You can usually recognize real love by these 12 signs.
- You feel safe with them. ...
- They listen. ...
- They acknowledge your differences instead of trying to change you. ...
- You can communicate easily. ...
- They encourage you to do your own thing. ...
- You trust each other. ...
- They make an effort. ...
- You know you can collaborate or compromise.
Current scientific details support the idea that, in many cases, men may fall in love more quickly than women tend to do. A survey of more than 170 college students suggested that male respondents reported both feeling love and saying “I love you” at earlier stages in their relationships than females.
How soon is too soon to sleep with someone? ›
Coleman suggested that somewhere in the neighborhood of three months would be an ideal time to start being intimate. This should put you in a safer spot beyond the so-called honeymoon phase of the relationship, when your emotions have settled a bit and you're able to think more rationally.
How long does it realistically take to fall in love? ›
There is no definitive time frame for falling in love, though about 3–4 months may be a rough average, according to limited research. A person will likely start to form a bond with a person during this time.
What is the male intimacy cycle when falling in love? ›
Called the “rubber band” or the male intimacy cycle, it's when a man vacillates between being close to his partner and pulling away. Men do this for many reasons. The most important reason is to connect with their more masculine side and to focus on the activities that make them a good provider and partner.
What age do you usually find true love? ›
Fortunately, love is a game of numbers, and mathematicians have found the age at which we are most likely to meet our perfect partner. In your late 20s and into your 30s, you will be mature enough, experienced and have more realistic expectations when looking for a life partner.
How long does it take for a guy to fall in love? ›
Many men actually fall in love pretty fast On average, it can take a man a few months (around 88 days,) before he's in love. Of course, it depends on the man. Often a younger man falls in love faster, while an older man may take a while.
How do you know you are falling in love? ›
The powerful urge to be connected to this person brings new aspects to your relationship, such as emotional or physical intimacy, passion, and a desire to know everything about them, and be known by them in return. You may also find yourself wanting to take care of or be cared for by your partner.
What are the 7 stages of love? ›
Metamorphosis or The Seven Stages of Love
- Dilkashi (attraction)
- Uns (attachment)
- Ishq (love)
- Akidat (trust/reverence)
- Ibadat (worship)
- Junoon (madness)
- Maut (death)
The 10 Date Rule is: Men are the most likely to have a relationship with a woman that they have gone on at least 10 dates with. These are proper dates, not coffee catch-ups, sleeping together or hanging out together. The dates are where you go out together in public and do something.
