Even thinking about how to ask someone for money they owe you can feel uncomfortable—especially if they're a friend. Awkward! But luckily, there are ways to handle it gracefully and effectively without damaging your relationship.
Maybe you didn't set clear conditions when you lent the money, and now you're wondering when they'll pay you back. You don't want to seem desperate or unkind, so you haven't said anything. But it's been some time now, and you don't want it to be forgotten either.
So, how do you ask someone for money they owe you? Below, we will help you navigate this tricky (and sometimes friendship-killing) conversation.
Is it OK to ask someone for money they owe you?
Absolutely. When you lend someone money, there’s an understanding that it will be paid back. It’s common to feel bad, embarrassed, or even guilty—especially if the borrower is a friend or family member—but don't fall into this trap.
“If you want/need the money back, but are avoiding the conversation because of fear, shame or awkwardness, you set yourself up for more trouble down the track,” says etiquette expert and consultant Jo Hayes, Founder of EtiquetteExpert.Org.
Remember: It's your money, and you have the right to request its return. By addressing the issue head-on, you can prevent financial worries and maintain a healthy relationship with the borrower. The key is to approach it with empathy and understanding, ensuring that both parties feel respected and heard.
“It’s important to have a conversation so that all parties are clear as to where they stand,” Hayes says. “Avoidance is never the solution, and failing to deal with the situation could leave you feeling bitter or resentful, a position one never wants to be in.”
More money? Yes, please: Check out open jobs on The Muse and find the perfect fit for your financial goals »
6 tips on how to ask someone for money they owe you
What do you say to someone who owes you money? To ensure your message is received well, follow these tips.
1. Be direct but gentle: Clearly state the reason for your conversation without beating around the bush. Ensure your tone is gentle and not accusatory. “My number one rule for situations like this: ‘Be calm, kind, and clear,’” Hayes says.
2. Avoid being aggressive: Aggression or a harsh tone can strain your relationship. Keep the conversation calm and composed. (But also, here’s how to avoid being passive-aggressive.)
3. Be flexible: Understand that the person might be facing financial difficulties. Offer them the option to pay back in installments if necessary.
4. Use reminders: Sometimes people genuinely forget. A friendly reminder can jog their memory without coming across as confrontational.
5. Choose the right time and place: Make sure you approach the person in a private setting and at a time when they are not stressed or distracted.
Bonus tip: You don't need to justify why you need the money back—it belongs to you.
Asking for money back: Text message samples
Truth be told, sending a text message to someone who owes you money sounds much easier than making a call or having a face-to-face conversation. If you prefer this approach, here are some practical examples of what to say (feel free to copy and paste—we won't tell):
Example #1: When the person is your friend
“I wanted to remind you about the $50 I lent you a few months ago. I’m currently budgeting for some upcoming expenses, and getting that money back would be really helpful. Can we arrange a time for you to repay it? Thanks!”
Example #2: When you've already asked for it many times
“I know I’ve mentioned this before, but I really need to get back the $200 I lent you. Can we set a firm date for you to repay it? I’d appreciate it.”
Example #3: When you're being ghosted
“I’ve been trying to reach you about the $100 I lent you. It’s important that we discuss this, as I need the money back. Please let me know when you can repay it or if you need to work out a payment plan. Thank you.”
Example #4: When the person is a family member
“I wanted to talk to you about the $150 I lent you a while back. I’d like us to work out a plan for you to repay it soon. Let me know what works for you.”
Example #5: When the person is a coworker
“I wanted to touch base about the $30 I lent you last month. I’m sure it might have slipped your mind, but I need to get it back. Let’s figure out a time for you to repay it. Thanks!”
What can you do legally if someone owes you money?
Can you sue someone who owes you money? Yes. “If the other person refuses to return the money, and good-faith communication/negotiation has failed to reach a reasonable solution, legal action may be necessary,” Hayes says.
Legal action should be a last resort, used only when all amicable resolutions have been exhausted. Here are some steps you can take:
- Send a formal letter: Draft a formal letter (or email) requesting repayment, including the amount owed, the date of the loan, and any previous attempts to collect the debt. This serves as a formal record of your request.
- Mediation: Consider mediation services that can help you and the borrower come to a mutual agreement without going to court.
- Small claims court: If the amount owed is within the limits for small claims court in your area, you can file a claim to recover the money.
- Hire a lawyer: For larger sums or more complex cases, you may need to hire a lawyer to assist with the legal proceedings.
- Collection agencies: As a last resort, you can hire a collection agency to recover the debt. Be aware that they will take a percentage of the recovered amount as their fee.
If things do become dire and you need to bring in the legal system, “don’t feel ashamed or embarrassed for needing to pursue this. It’s unfortunate, but you are not the party in the wrong here. It’s best to deal with the situation in as detached a way as possible, so that emotions don’t cloud your judgment,” Hayes says. “Contact a legal expert, and have them guide you through the appropriate next steps.”
It’s your right to ask for the money you're owed, and there are various ways to handle the conversation smoothly yet effectively. If all else fails, you can turn to legal options to recover your debt. Next time, make sure to set clear dates and conditions when lending money to avoid this unpleasant moment.
 - Shopify)