How to Get a Narcissist to Forgive You: 11 Ways (2024)

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One of the questions that people might ask is, “Do narcissists forgive?” Considering their temperaments and emotional conditioning, knowing how to get a narcissist to forgive you after you have wronged them can seem to be an entire course worth studying.

However, if you are in a relationship with one, knowing how to apologize to a narcissist effectively can be necessary because, at some point, you are bound to make mistakes that may put a strain on the relationship.

So, how do you walk that treacherous terrain when a narcissist demands an apology? Should you be apologizing to a narcissist even when you aren’t sure of the outcome of your apologies? How do you get a narcissist to forgive you?

These and more are the common questions we will deal with here. If you are looking for how to make your relationship with a narcissist work, you might find this information invaluable.

How does a narcissist act in a relationship?

We can understand that this is a critical question that may be going on in your mind right now. However, before giving you an answer, let’s take a quick look at who a narcissist truly is.

A narcissist is much more than that person who posts many selfies of themselves on Instagram. A narcissist is one who is dealing with a psychological disorder professionally referred to as Narcissistic Personality disorder.

According to a transcript documented by the American Psychological Association, narcissism is founded upon 4 critical pillars: lack of empathy, grandiosity, a chronic sense of entitlement, and the excessive need to seek validation/admiration from other people.

As opposed to how co*cky they might usually sound/look, narcissists can usually be anything but confident. These 4 pillars are the main characteristics a narcissist would exhibit in a relationship.

First of all, they can behave as though their opinions are the best/highest; they tend to relate with their partners as though they might be incompetent and may always want to be at the receiving end of emotional support, admiration, and praise.

Does a narcissist ever forgive you?

Even when narcissists make you apologize for your wrongs, do they truly ever forgive? Should you apologize to a narcissist? This is one question that may be a bit difficult to answer because of the different sides to this coin.

At first glance, it is safe to say that narcissists tend to hold grudges more than the average person. This can be directly attributed to the many internal battles they have to fight.

A recent study suggests that as far as forgiveness goes, not all narcissists are a lost cause. Some of them possess more abilities to forgive than others.

A narcissist may forgive you after a long period of groveling and begging for it.

Since narcissists and apologies do not seem to do very well together, you may want to take a step back and not bank on the chances that your narcissist partner would be the first to wave the forgiveness flag when you have hurt them in a relationship.

5 possible things that can happen when you apologize to a narcissist

When you apologize to a narcissist, the dynamic of the interaction can lead to a variety of outcomes, often reflecting the narcissist’s need for superiority and control. What happens after you apologize to a narcissist can be somewhat intriguing.

Considering that the average narcissist already thinks that they are better than you and that you have to always defer to them, your apologies can easily be followed by any of these.

1. Flat-out rejection

It isn’t exactly abnormal to witness a narcissist simply rebuff your apologies after you have mustered the courage to make them. They may simply tell you how awful you are or how what you did was the worst thing they have had to endure all their lives.

If you are wondering how to write an apology letter to a narcissist, you may first want to consider this possibility before sending in that apology.

2. Self-righteousness

Another thing that may happen when you try to apologize to a narcissist is that they may take the opportunity to rub your “cluelessness” in your face.

In a bid to remind you of how right they were and how wrong you were, it may not be out of place if you hear statements like, “I am glad you finally admitted that you were wrong” or “Do you now agree that I was right all along?”

Maggie Martinez, LCSW, highlights,

3. They may also take the opportunity to remind you of other “crimes” you already apologized for

You want to apologize for being late for dinner, but the narcissist would take the opportunity to remind you of how you didn’t put the washer off before running off to work.

Or, how you want to work them to death simply because you forgot to put your dirty socks in the hamper three weeks ago.

Yeah, drama!

4. Manipulation for future leverage

An apology to a narcissist can be seen as an admission of guilt, which they might store as ammunition for future arguments or to manipulate you. This can involve holding the apology over your head, using it to justify their actions or demands later.

They may say things like, “Remember when you admitted you were wrong? That means I’m right about this, too.”

5. Conditional forgiveness

Narcissists might offer forgiveness, but it often comes with strings attached. This conditional forgiveness is designed to increase their control over the relationship.

They may frame their forgiveness in a way that requires you to meet ongoing conditions, essentially setting up a scenario where you perpetually try to earn their approval or make amends for past mistakes.

Who do narcissists forgive eventually?

Narcissists may forgive those who effectively boost their ego or serve their interests, making understanding how to reconcile with a narcissist critical. Achieving forgiveness can involve considerable effort to appease their sense of superiority.

Those willing to validate their feelings, offer lavish praise, or submit to their demands might be able to learn how to make up with a narcissist more successfully. Ultimately, forgiveness is granted to individuals who reinforce the narcissist’s self-perception and contribute to their need for admiration.

11 ways to get a narcissist to forgive you

If you find yourself in a position where you need to apologize and seek reconciliation with a narcissist, it’s essential to approach the situation with care, empathy, and strategic foresight. Here are 11 things you can consider doing:

1. Start by telling them how you feel

The first step to getting a narcissist to forgive you is by allowing yourself to be vulnerable with them. When you have hurt them, let them tap into your bank of empathy by being completely honest with them. You can say something like, “I feel terrible for…”

2. Let them know the exact behavior you feel remorseful for

Looking for how to get a narcissist to forgive you? It helps to let them know that you are aware of the exact thing you did that hurt them. So, you may want to say something like, “I am sorry for treating your mother the way I did.”

3. Let them know what they should do to make things better

As much as you are trying to apologize to them, it helps to let a narcissist know that you are not about to be tossed about like you do not have a healthy sense of self-esteem.

After step 2, it helps to let them know the role they can play to ensure that what happened before doesn’t happen again. For example, you can say something like, “Do you mind not chastising me in front of your mother again?”

4. Go big on empathy

If you have made it this far with a narcissist, it is most likely because you have a lot of empathy in you.

When you are trying to figure out how to help a narcissist heal from their hurt, you may want to start by empathizing with them. They may end up saying some things you disagree with. Focus on disarming them with empathy.

5. Mentally prepare yourself before you start

The thing about narcissists is that once they start going on about how wrong you were/how right they are, they may not stop for a long while.

To prevent yourself from responding with sharp-witted comebacks every second, mentally prepare yourself for the smart-mouthed jabs of your life.

6. Don’t expect them to see the reason immediately

Are you looking for how to get an apology from a narcissist? You may not find that immediately.

If you are trying to figure out how to get a narcissist to forgive you, one thing you must do is never expect them to see the reason immediately. If a narcissist would end up forgiving, they want to do it on their terms.

They may do so after a while. So, let them cool off.

Maggie Martinez notes that,

7. Don’t fall for the same mistakes

The chances are that before a narcissist forgives you completely, they may do all they can to retaliate. It means they would try to hurt you the same way you did. Prepare for this and make sure that you do not fall victim to their onslaughts when they come.

8. Use “we” instead of “you” and “I”

The reason for this is that it tends to give a sense of belonging and inclusion. It makes the narcissist feel like you aren’t counting them out or giving up on them and also cushions the blow associated with the words you want to tell them.

So, instead of saying, “I think you can do better,” you can say, “I think we can do better in … areas.”

9. Know when to enlist the help of their trusted friends/closest allies

One way to get a narcissist to forgive you (especially if their grudge has lingered over an excessively long period) is to enlist the help of their closest friends and allies. This could be their family member, a close/respected friend, or just someone they can give listening ears to.

Chances that this would work are limited, but it is worth a try, especially if you have tried everything in the book to no avail.

10. Know when to walk away

It is the hard part, but it begs to be said nonetheless. As far as your relationship with a narcissist goes, remember to prioritize your mental health.

If you don’t make this a point of duty, you may end up staying back in a relationship that has turned toxic long after you should have walked out the doors.

Feel free to call it quits when you have gotten to the limits of what your empathy and mental health can carry.

11. Offer consistent positive reinforcement

Narcissists thrive on admiration and validation, so another effective strategy in getting a narcissist to forgive you is to offer consistent positive reinforcement.

Highlight their positive traits, achievements, or ways they’ve positively impacted you. This approach not only helps to make them feel valued and superior but also subtly shifts their focus from the conflict at hand to the value you see in them.

Expressions like, “I really admire how you handle challenges,” can make a significant difference, cultivating a more forgiving and less adversarial atmosphere.

Watch this video where Christina, a narcissistic abuse recovery coach, shares different ways to outsmart a narcissist in conversation:

How to deal with a narcissist in a relationship

How you deal with a narcissist in a relationship can determine whether the relationship will be healthy or toxic. Before you make a final decision on the best trajectory for your relationship, here are some ways to understand how to deal with a narcissist in a relationship:

• Establish clear boundaries.
• Maintain your own sense of self-worth.
• Avoid engaging in power struggles.
• Use positive reinforcement judiciously.
• Know when to seek external support.

FAQs

Interacting with a narcissist can be challenging, prompting many questions about forgiveness, tolerance, confrontation, and peace. Here are some frequently asked questions about dealing with narcissists:

• Will a narcissist ever forgive you?

A narcissist may forgive if it serves their interest or boosts their ego. Forgiveness is often tactical, used to maintain control or superiority in the relationship. Genuine forgiveness might be rare, as narcissists typically prioritize their feelings and needs above others.

• Who can tolerate a narcissist?

Individuals with high empathy levels, patience, and a strong sense of self can tolerate narcissists better than others. These traits help them manage the narcissist’s manipulative behaviors without losing their own identity. However, long-term tolerance can be emotionally draining and potentially harmful.

• What words can destroy a narcissist?

Words that challenge a narcissist’s superiority or expose their insecurities can be deeply unsettling for them. Phrases that imply failure, criticism of their character, or highlighting their dependency on others can be particularly impactful. However, it’s important to approach such situations cautiously to avoid escalating conflict.

• How do you make peace with a narcissist?

Making peace with a narcissist involves acknowledging their perspective and offering validation where appropriate without compromising your values.

It’s about balancing engaging with their need for admiration and setting firm boundaries for your well-being. Peace can require continuous effort and may sometimes be more about managing conflict than resolving it entirely.

Summary

Being in a relationship with a narcissist is a difficult task. Knowing how to get a narcissist to forgive you is a life skill you must learn if you intend to make your relationship with one work.

It is primarily because their opinions of themselves and others would force them to see you as someone who’s always out to annoy/hurt them.

The next time you want to get a narcissist to forgive you, follow the steps we have outlined here. Then again, do not be afraid to pack your bags and exit the relationship when the going gets uncharacteristically tough. Prioritize your mental health as well!