How to Handle Seeing an Ex Unexpectedly: 15 Expert Steps (2024)

Co-authored byChristina Jay, NLPand Eric McClure

Last Updated: June 14, 2024Fact Checked

How to Handle Running into Your Ex

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   Keep calm and take a deep breath to steady yourself. While you may want to run and hide when you see your ex unexpectedly, it’s important to be cool and calm. Don’t get up in your head about it. Take a deep breath, accept that this might be a little weird (and that’s okay!), and settle your nerves.^[1]

   • Avoid trying to hide or pretend that your ex doesn't see you. If you both made eye contact, then your ex has seen you. If your ex hasn't spotted you yet, it's okay to duck out of sight to collect yourself.
   • Consider acknowledging the awkwardness of the situation to lighten the mood. It's okay to say, "Well, this is awkward," or, "Fancy meeting you here."
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   Decide whether to say something, or smile and move on. If you see your ex from across the room or a few aisles over at a store, you may just want to avoid conversation—especially if things didn’t end great. Decide if just a smile and nod might be best.^[2]

   • If you're feeling very anxious and flustered, and your ex hasn't made their way over to you, it’s okay to just head the other way and avoid the encounter.

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   Be friendly, but not too friendly. Don't force physical affection, such as hugging or kissing on the cheek. Also, a formal handshake may be too business-like. If your ex wants to hug briefly, then do so if you feel comfortable. If they don't, then give a polite nod or wave to say hello instead. Keep your body language relaxed.^[3]

   • Don't send mixed signals by being overly friendly. This is not a time to flirt with your ex if the meeting is out of nowhere and unexpected.
   • Smile and be polite. Act like you are open to conversation. But if the conversation drags on and becomes too awkward, then consider ways to end the conversation.
   • Consider saying, "It was good to run into you. Nice to chat with you. I'm sorry but I need to get going. I hope you have a good rest of the day."
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   Hold your head up high and exude confidence. Show you’re confident and polite in this moment. Smile, stand tall, and don’t fidget or look away. You’ll feel better about yourself and you’ll prove that you’re comfortable and adult enough to talk to your ex.^[4]

   • After a break-up, try to view your ex as a friend from your past that you've grown apart from. You wouldn’t be nervous or shy in front of an old friend, right?
   • If you still have feelings for your ex, that’s okay! This is a great opportunity to prove that you’re mature, confident, and easy to be around.
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   Stay humble and don’t brag in an effort to seem super cool. Whether you're doing well or not, a run-in with your ex shouldn't turn into a competition over who is doing better. It is simply an encounter with someone you know. Avoid getting flustered and talking about yourself too much or exaggerating about what you’ve been up to.^[5]

   • It's okay to talk about what you're up to, but don’t try to put your ex down in the process.
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   Act natural if your ex is with someone new. If your ex is with a new partner, it’s totally understandable if you’re rattled. Do your best to play it cool, even if you’re upset. The trick here is to act like absolutely nothing strange is going on. Remain calm, friendly, and natural.^[6]

   • Take the high road and be polite. As tempting as it may be to go for that new partner’s throat, you’ll land a much better impression if you keep it cool as a cucumber.
   • Be willing to say hello and shake the hand of your ex's new partner. Consider saying, "It's nice to meet you." You don't need to say much more.

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1. 1

   Feel free to dismiss yourself whenever you’re ready. You don’t owe your ex anything, and you’re under absolutely no obligation to keep talking to them if you don’t want to. Keeping the conversation brief will also help to reduce tension if things didn’t end great between the two of you. Feel free to say, “Well, I’ve got to run” whenever you’re ready to roll out.^[7]

   • You could also say something like, "It was nice seeing you, but I need to head to my class," or, "I'm on my way to another event. Please excuse me and have a good evening!"
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   Be respectful, even if your ex doesn’t make this easy. Don’t get drawn into any subtle jabs or irritating comments. An unexpected encounter with your ex is not the time to get into whatever happened or rehash an old fight. Even if they’re being a pain in the neck, don’t let them rile you up and get under your skin.^[8]

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   Let go of the urge to make your ex jealous. Trying to get a rise out of your ex is going to extend this interaction much longer than it needs to—and not in a particularly productive direction. If you're running into your ex and you're with your new partner or on a date, avoid trying to show how much you've “moved on” from the relationship by kissing or showing large displays of affection. Act as you would normally when in public.^[9]

   • For example, let's say you're at a friend's party, and your ex shows up unexpectedly. Avoid trying to act differently just because your ex is there. Try to talk with your ex and show that you accept them there.
   • Don't focus on making yourself more attractive for your ex after you run into them. Be your normal and honest self in that moment.
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   Guide the conversation towards lighter topics. Don't try to recap every detail that happened since your break-up. Focus on small talk or other easy-going conversation topics. Focus on asking how their day has been, or how they are doing generally. If your ex asks the same, then focus on topics that are light and friendly.^[10]

   • Consider topics such as any current hobbies or travels, a funny anecdote about something that happened recently, your studies, your work, or things you've been watching such as sports or TV shows.
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   Know your limits and call out boundary violations. Your ex may ask you about something you are not willing to discuss. It's okay to say you aren’t comfortable, and you should do as much. You don't have to talk about anything that makes you uncomfortable. Don’t let your ex push you into exploring something, either. If they keep pestering you, firmly say, “I’m not talking about this” and leave.^[11]

   • For instance, if your ex asks whether you're seeing someone new or how things are going with your partner, you can say, "Oh, that’s nice of you to ask, but I'm not comfortable talking about my current relationship."

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1. 1

   Have a plan for future run-ins with how you’ll react. If you live in the same city, go to the same school, or have the same social circles, it is much more likely that you may run into your ex unexpectedly from time to time. Be prepared for the possibility of an encounter and mentally map out how you’ll respond.^[12]

   • Think about what you might say. Remember to keep it brief and respectful.
   • Consider how you might respond to certain questions, such as, "Are you seeing anyone new?" or "What have you been doing since we last saw each other?"
   • Think about what you need to do to remain calm. If you know this encounter may be anxiety-provoking, have a friend or person to talk with after you meet you ex unexpectedly.
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   Avoid bad-mouthing your ex among mutual friends. If you were dating your ex for a while, you may have some mutual friends. Avoid talking badly about your ex with friends of your ex. This is especially important if you want to ever get back together or not!^[13]

   • If you need to vent about your ex, do so with people who don't know them. Consider talking with people who already were good friends with you well before your ex was in the picture.
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   Find closure with the relationship and move on. Unexpected encounters with your ex will be a lot less stressful when you’ve moved on. Process what happened in your relationship. Avoid self-blame or blaming your ex. Understand that sometimes good people aren't right for each other. And sometimes, the people you trust will hurt you.^[14]

   • Take care of yourself, and focus on self-love. Do things that make you feel better about life after your ex, and help you to focus on the future.
   • Consider talking with a counselor for an outsider's perspective. If you become very anxious and overwhelmed in these unexpected moments, a counselor can help to teach you about healthy coping skills.
   • Talk with your friends and family. Strengthen your support system when you're feeling vulnerable, such as these unexpected moments with your ex. Keep the people who care about you close.
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   Take a break before trying to get back together. If your long-term goal is to get back with your ex, that’s totally fine. However, give your plan a little bit of room to breathe. Spend a few weeks or months focusing on yourself. Pursue your hobbies, do your schoolwork if you’re in school, and stay active and social.^[15]

   • This break accomplishes two things. First, it gives your ex time to see how well you’re doing and remember the good times. Second, it helps you get some perspective to ensure you’re ready to move on.

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