How to Recover from Financial Infidelity - claritytherapynyc.com (2024)

Oftentimes, couples avoid talking about the two subjects that are crucial to their wellbeing: money and sex.It may come as a surprise to you that as a couples therapist, I actually hear more about instances around financial infidelity than affairs in the traditional sense. While the term financial infidelity may be relatively new, the concept itself is a notoriously common issue in relationships.

What is financial infidelity?

Financial infidelity happens when one or both partners aren’t honest about their financial situation or actively hide their financial issues. This may look like making financial decisions in secrecy or not being fully transparent about how much one is spending. For some couples this can also look like hiding income, not being forthcoming about debts and large financial obligations or keeping another bank account that’s unknown to their partner.

For some, spending money without their partner’s knowledge feels like freedom and one’s right. There are some partners who don’t see anything wrong with this behavior, and it doesn’t affect the couple negatively. Often however, this comes from a place of partners wanting to avoid arguments about spending. This is especially true in the case of someone who is compulsively shopping, gambling, or otherwise spending money in a way that feels out of control.

How to Recover from financial infidelity


These behavior patterns can be upsetting to face, so what are some steps that you can take if this sounds like you or your partner? First of all, recognize that it’s quite common that someone who is more frugal attracts someone who is a spender, and vice versa. It’s human nature to seek out what initially feels novel and fills the voids we see in ourselves.

How to Recover from Financial Infidelity - claritytherapynyc.com (2024)

FAQs

How to heal from financial infidelity? ›

How to Recover from Financial Infidelity
  1. Focus on the Facts. You're likely overwhelmed by a variety of emotions making it hard to talk about the deceit. ...
  2. Clarify Your Financial Goals. ...
  3. Be Prepared to Deal with Underlying Issues. ...
  4. Seek Professional Counseling.

What does the Bible say about financial infidelity? ›

Ephesians 4:15 (NIV) encourages us to "Speak the truth in love." This is not always easy, but your spouse must know that you know. You must confront them about their actions. Express your feelings and concerns about the financial deception.

How to live with someone who is bad with money? ›

What to Do if Your Partner Is Bad or Struggling with Money
  1. Focus on triggers.
  2. Lead by example.
  3. Accept their money problem and have open communication.
  4. Sit down and create a budget together.
  5. Say something before it's too late.
  6. Be a supportive partner and focus on improvement.
Dec 21, 2023

Can marriage survive financial infidelity? ›

While financial infidelity can and has led to the termination of many marriages, relationships can survive if spouses make a mutual commitment to be honest and communicate. Frequently reviewing bills and financial statements together and having ongoing discussions about future goals are essential.

Is financial infidelity as bad as cheating? ›

That's because lying to a partner or keeping secrets from them about finances is a big deal, and for some folks, it's just as bad as cheating. A NerdWallet survey found that almost half of Americans with a partner have withheld financial information from them.

Should you forgive financial infidelity? ›

If you want the relationship to work out, you're going to have to forgive and move on,” Harzog says. “That's hard when you have been betrayed, but if you want to save your relationship, you will have to take some steps to do so.”

What does the Bible say about overcoming infidelity? ›

The Bible teaches that the blood Jesus' shed on the cross covers all sin, including infidelity. “… the blood of Jesus, God's Son, purifies us from all sin” (1 John 1:7). This means that any sin we commit, including infidelity, can be forgiven when we come to Jesus with a repentant heart. Jesus was without sin.

How does God feel about infidelity? ›

“To divorce your wife is to overwhelm her with cuelty,” says the Lord of Heaven's Armies. “So guard your heart; do not be unfaithful to your wife.” Infidelity breaks the covenant of marriage in the eyes of God. It's done.

How do you fix a toxic relationship with money? ›

Prioritize and cultivate a positive and mindful approach to money. Build smart financial habits: Learn to budget, save, and invest wisely. Understand the emotional side of financial decisions. Seek help from a trusted financial advisor and surround yourself with others who have good relationships with money.

When should you stop helping someone financially? ›

If assisting someone else is overtaxing your time, energy, or resources—stop! Even if you agreed to do something, if the cost becomes too great, whether that's financial or emotional, you can back out or adjust how much you can help. If you are harming yourself, that is not helping.

How to handle a financially irresponsible spouse? ›

5 Ways to Deal With a Financially Irresponsible Spouse
  1. Be Honest With Yourself About Their Financial Tendencies Before Marriage.
  2. Have a Heart-to-Heart With Your Spouse as Soon as Possible.
  3. Take Over the Family Finances.
  4. Seek Counseling and Financial Help.
  5. Protect Yourself and Your Own Finances.
  6. Bottom Line.
Jul 31, 2023

How do I regain trust after financial infidelity? ›

Rebuilding trust after the discovery of hidden debt takes time, patience, and effort from both partners. It involves consistent, open communication, a commitment to transparency, and the willingness to work through challenges together. Forgiveness, understanding, and empathy are key components of this process.

How to come clean about financial infidelity? ›

How to Overcome Financial Infidelity
  1. Communicate. Share everything. ...
  2. Get on the same page. You guys! ...
  3. Tell the truth always—even when you make a money mistake. There's nothing more gut-wrenching than the feeling when someone intentionally lied to you. ...
  4. Get on a budget and spend without guilt.
May 23, 2024

How to prove financial infidelity? ›

Signs of financial infidelity include:
  1. Secret Accounts: Discovering bank or credit card accounts that you were unaware of is a red flag for financial infidelity.
  2. Unexplained Withdrawals or Expenses: Regular, unexplained withdrawals from your bank accounts or charges on credit cards can indicate hidden spending.

How do you overcome money cheating? ›

Article: 6 Steps to Take after Discovering Fraud
  1. Don't pay any more money. ...
  2. Collect all the pertinent information and documents. ...
  3. Protect your identity and accounts. ...
  4. Report the fraud to authorities. ...
  5. Check your insurance coverage, and other financial recovery steps.

How do you overcome financial betrayal? ›

Be honest and come clean

First, the partners have to honestly assess their financial situation and what needs to change. Both parties have to come clean. If you're going to recover, it's important to understand why the financial infidelity happened in the first place.

Does financial infidelity lead to divorce? ›

Financial infidelity is a grounds for divorce in "at fault" states and also in a no-fault divorce. Financial infidelity in a marriage, which can complicate divorce proceedings, includes behaviors such as: Concealing debt from one's spouse. Secretly making large purchases or investments.

Is financial infidelity a deal breaker? ›

Financial infidelity involves hiding savings, debts, and spending from your partner. Keeping money-related secrets in relationships is the number-one financial deal breaker.

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