Money talks, can it pillow talk?
In the realm of romance, talking about money gets a bad rap. It dominates our everyday decision making, and yet it often still feels like the awkward elephant in the room. Financial intimacy, then, almost sounds like an oxymoron. How can something so decidedly unsexy have anything to do with getting intimate? Taylor Kovar, CFP and CEO of The Money Couple, says it’s all about one magic word: communication.
“In the context of relationships, achieving financial intimacy means being able to discuss money matters without judgment, fear, or hidden agendas. It's about aligning financial goals, being transparent about debts and assets, and jointly navigating the financial challenges and milestones that life throws your way.”
Money, of course, is never just about money; it’s tied up with our emotions, our mental health, and our ideas about morality, too. And while society is still contending with the correlation between work ethic and moral righteousness, your relationship is probably suffering if you’re unable (or unwilling) to tell the truth about your finances.
To be clear, financial intimacy isn’t about disclosing confidential information on a first date or opening up a shared bank account. But if you’re in a committed partnership, Kovar says, open dialogue about your financial values, goals, and vulnerabilities is key. That said, here are some of the most common barriers to achieving financial intimacy – and how to confront them:
Cultural taboos
If you or your partner have inherited ideas about money that rely on secrecy and discretion, it can be incredibly hard to speak openly about money sans shame. Normalizing this kind of dialogue starts with the recognition that financial health is just as important as other aspects of wellness, like physical and mental health.
Past financial traumas
“Previous financial mistakes or traumas can lead to feelings of shame or fear of judgment,” says Kovar. But here’s the thing: everyone has a financial past. If you want to pursue a healthy financial future together, you have to approach each other with compassion.
Understanding money personalities
You probably have a whole Rolodex of experiences, goals, values, etcetera, that drive your financial decisions. Obviously, this is incredibly helpful context for your would-be partner. Oh, and don’t worry if your money “personalities” don’t exactly match up, Kovar says: “Embracing each other's financial strengths and finding a middle ground can enhance financial intimacy.”
Mismatched financial values
The saver-versus-spender dilemma is a tale as old as time. And yet – it still frequently causes friction in relationships. When your goals are contradictory, or at the very least, different, the path forward can mostly be summed up in a single word: compromise.
Lack of financial literacy
Robust financial education is an aspirational – if rare – piece of the intimacy puzzle, and it’s totally normal to be more or less informed than your partner on certain issues. But it’s never too late to learn, Kovar says. “Investing in joint financial education or counseling can level the playing field and foster informed decision-making.”
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FAQs
When partners can be financially intimate with each other, they can work together to achieve their financial goals, such as saving money, paying off debt, or planning for the future. They can also support each other's individual goals and needs around money.
What is financial intimacy in a relationship? ›
“In the context of relationships, achieving financial intimacy means being able to discuss money matters without judgment, fear, or hidden agendas. It's about aligning financial goals, being transparent about debts and assets, and jointly navigating the financial challenges and milestones that life throws your way.”
What does financially intimate mean? ›
It means sharing financial information with one another. This can include things like student loan debt, retirement savings, and past bankruptcy. However, financial intimacy goes a lot deeper than that. It also includes feelings, beliefs, and behaviors around money.
How do you build financial intimacy? ›
Here are five steps to financial intimacy and partnership:
- Mutual Respect. Understand that you both may view money differently. ...
- Shared Control. No one spouse should dominate the family's finances. ...
- Equality. This relates to shared control. ...
- United Faith. ...
- Common vision and values.
What Is Financial Infidelity? Financial infidelity happens when you or your spouse intentionally lie about money. When you deliberately choose not to tell the truth about your spending habits (no matter how big or small), that is financial infidelity.
What is the most intimate thing in a relationship? ›
And while sex is important in relationships, you can also demonstrate physical intimacy through kissing, holding hands, cuddling, and skin-to-skin touching. While these small physical shows of affection may seem mundane, they can help you and your partner cultivate a feeling of closeness.
What is the most important type of intimacy in a relationship? ›
It's essential to practice emotional intimacy outside of moments of crisis so that when something big happens, you and your partner have established enough trust, vulnerability, and awareness to support each other. This type of intimate self-disclosure is key to building intimacy and closeness in relationships.
What are the four intimate relationships? ›
In relationships, four types of intimacy are key: emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual. If you feel you fear intimacy of any type, or your loved one does, seeking the support of a therapist may help you.
What does intimate mean to a guy? ›
The experience of emotional closeness. It occurs when two people are able to be emotionally open with one another, and reveal their true feelings, thoughts, fears and desires. This can only occur when both people are able to genuinely trust one another, and feel able to take the risk of being vulnerable.
What are financial secrets in a relationship? ›
The main reasons cited for keeping financial secrets are a need for financial privacy or a desire to control their own finances (37%), followed by a lack of desire to share or it has never come up (33%), and embarrassment about money management habits (28%).
- The three C's – Communication, Compromise, and Commitment – are well-known building blocks of a strong and healthy relationship. ...
- Connection in relationships deserves a balance of alone time as well as time with others.
For couples who would like to prevent sexless marriages, here are a few intimacy-building tips to keep the spark in your relationship long term:
- Make your relationship a priority. ...
- Create and keep couple rituals. ...
- Intentionally and regularly put yourself in the mood for sex. ...
- Flirt and keep flirting. ...
- Work at it.
How to cope with a sexless marriage
- Pick your moment to talk. ...
- Pick your moment to listen. ...
- Be honest with yourself and each other. ...
- Decide whether sex is a deal-breaker for either of you. ...
- Be patient. ...
- Seek help together. ...
- Kindness is sexy. ...
- Ban sex.
Ephesians 4:15 (NIV) encourages us to "Speak the truth in love." This is not always easy, but your spouse must know that you know. You must confront them about their actions. Express your feelings and concerns about the financial deception.
When your spouse hides money from you? ›
If you feel that your spouse is hiding money, the best advice is to educate yourself about the household finances, find concrete evidence, and look for ways to have a healthy and open conversation with your spouse.
What is an example of financial infidelity? ›
Excessive spending on gifts, trips, or gambling with unexplained withdrawals from joint accounts is a classic sign of financial infidelity. Larger than normal cash withdrawals or checks made out to cash may be another sign.
What are examples of financial relationships? ›
Examples of financial relationships include employee, researcher, consultant, advisor, speaker, independent contractor (including contracted research), royalties or patent beneficiary, executive role, and ownership interest.
What is the meaning of financial relationship? ›
Financial relationships are those relationships in which the individual benefits by receiving a salary, royalty, intellectual property rights, consulting fee, honoraria, ownership interest (e.g., stocks, stock options or other ownership interest, excluding diversified mutual funds), or other financial benefit.
What are the financial boundaries in a romantic relationship? ›
Financial boundaries
If you live with your partner, it is crucial to have an honest conversation about your monthly expenses and what you think you can afford. But that does not mean you need to share every aspect of your financial situation.
What is financial love language? ›
The five love languages of money are: words of affirmation, quality time, physical touch, acts, of service, and receiving gifts. Most people have a preference for one or two as their primary love languages.
