By Janne Ekeberg Amundsen, specialist psychologist
For most of us, life consists of more than just good times, and sooner or later we can expect to be struck by a crisis.
A life crisis can include events such as relationship breakups, serious illness, death, job layoffs, experiences of betrayal, or major life changes like transitioning from work to retirement. It can also involve more traumatic events, such as psychological and physical abuse or accidents.
What the brain perceives as a threat to your personal safety and situations that feel beyond your control are likely to be encoded as potential trauma.
The way we experience a life crisis is individual, and will depend on how vulnerable you are in the situation and what kinds of stress you have experienced previously in you life.
Different phases
The Swedish psychiatrist Johan Cullberg (2003) has suggested that crises be understood as consisting of four phases with special characteristics.
Most people who have been through a crisis will recognize some of their own reactions in Cullberg’s model, but it is also important to remember that everyone has their own unique history and way of coping with a crisis.
Shock phase
The first reaction is called the shock phase, and typically lasts for a few hours or days. This phase is characterized by inner chaos, anger, panic or apathy. Many people describe it as if they are standing next to themselves and feel that the situation is unreal.Reaction phase
Many struggle with anxiety, despair, anger and anxiety during the reaction phase. This is when mental defense mechanisms kick in and you can both deny that the incident happened and avoid dealing with it. Feelings of guilt and self-blame are not uncommon during this phase, and many find themselves mulling over how the incident could have been avoided. This phase can last from 1-6 weeks.Healing and processing phase
Finally, the person gradually accepts what has happened. This is the healing and processing phase. The individual’s defense mechanisms gradually diminish, and he or she spends much less time and energy thinking about what happened.Reorientation phase
The reorientation phase begins after 6 months. This is when the person can begin to look outwards at the world again, and although the event will always be perceived as painful, it will not be the major preoccupation like it once way. Many people find in the aftermath that they have emerged stronger from the event.
Many people find that they emerge stronger from a crisis in hindsight.
Even though it’s useful to think of crises as consisting of different phases, that doesn’t mean everyone reacts the same way, or goes through the different phases in the same sequence or at the same pace.
- Some people spend much more time in the same reaction pattern and realize that they are not able to move on.
- It is not unusual to relapse, especially around anniversaries, or when reactions are triggered by places and situations reminiscent of the incident.
- Things may happen later in life that serve as painful reminders and open old wounds.
- Experience tells us that these problems can come back to haunt us, especially if the person has put a lid on his or her feelings and has avoided thinking about the event.
- The severity of the distress and whether the affected person can gradually resume their life are key factors in deciding whether to seek help.
–
Here’s how you can move on and reconcile yourself to what has happened
Most people in a crisis are significantly helped by receiving support and acceptance for their thoughts and feelings about what has happened. For others, it can develop into a long-term or chronic post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
1) Dare to accept your pain
The most common trap is choosing to avoid the situation. Constantly shutting out your feelings over the long term can actually reinforce the pain. Therefore, ‘pulling yourself together’ is not good advice.
- Dare to accept your pain.
- Put your feelings into words.
- It is important that whoever listens to the story acknowledges the other person’s experience.
Feeling anger after experiencing various types of violations or losses is also not uncommon.
Some people react with anger that they direct towards those around them. This likely stems from a challenged belief that the world is a safe place or that others wish you well.
You might become more vigilant, interpreting others’ intentions negatively. You overreact, over-interpret, and act impulsively, which can create new frustration around you.
An important part of the reconciliation process can be acknowledging the anger you feel.
In cases of violations, it is important to place the responsibility on the person who actually harmed you, rather than blaming yourself or taking it out on those closest to you.
2) Talk to a neutral third party
Many find it useful to talk to a neutral third party.
It is not uncommon for people to seek help because they are worried that they will wear out their loved ones or feel that they are unable to escape a fixed mindset.
3) Confront your own style of thinking
Cognitive therapy tells us that what a person thinks about him or herself affects how that person perceives the situation. Many who find themselves in a crisis blame themselves, or develop a stream of negative thoughts about their ability to cope.
- A first step is to record the thoughts, feelings and bodily reactions that you have during the situation. It is often the case that you first become aware of feelings or bodily discomfort.
- We are often much less aware of the negative thoughts we have, but it is nevertheless important to do something about these thoughts to bring about a change.
The next step is to challenge your negative self-assumptions with counter arguments.
Some central questions to ask:
- Do your negative thoughts reflect the actual situation?
- What facts contradict these negative perceptions of yourself?
4) Write your story anew
Try to internalize the fact that the bad thing that has happened, has happened. But it’s over now. When you have come far enough along in the healing process, you can begin to rewrite your own story.
Instead of seeing yourself as a loser and a victim, you can shift your perspective on things and see them in new ways. This does not mean you should trivialize what happened, but that you should give yourself a new and better role in your own story.
5) Focus on the positives
Shift your focus from the painful to what you have here and now.
- You do the best you can – find your way to positive things and what you can do and enjoy.
- Do things that give you energy and joy.
Keep track of your experiences. It reinforces positive feelings and helps you stay motivated, showing you that you’re on the right path.
As you start recording positive events, it’s common to find that negative thoughts and feelings weaken simply by acknowledging them. Positive memories act as a buffer against stress and negative thoughts, making you more resilient.
Give yourself time!
