Boy: Woof! You sure gotta slip a lot of people some unmarked cash to get into this Capitol Building here in Washington, at least that’s what they say about The Chicago Way. But I wonder who that sad crumpled scrap of paper is?
I'm just a Stimulus bill.
Yes, I'm only a big fat pork barrel bill.
And I'm sitting here on The Messiah’s Capitol Hill.
Well, it's a long, long journey
To the capital-less shanty.
It's a long, long wait
While I'm in Harry Reid’s committee,
But I know I'll be a criminal law someday
At least I hope (and pay off a few moderates) so I will,
But today I’m still just a Stimulus bill.
Boy: Gee, Stimulus, you certainly have a lot of crap heaped on you for something that’s supposed to pick the country up off the ground. Bill: Well I got this far,
I'm just a Stimulus bill.
Yes, I'm only a big fat pork barrel bill.
And I got as far as The Messiah’s Capitol Hill.
Well, now I'm stuck in Harry Reid’s committee
And I'll sit here and wait
While a few crackpot Congressmen pay off and sedate
Anyone with principle enough to not want me to be law.
How I hope (and help bamboozle a few moderates) so I will,
But today I am still just a Stimulus bill.
Boy: Listen to those senator dudes arguing! Is all that truth about pork, largess, and mortgaging my future about you?
Bill: Yeah, I'm one of the lucky ones. Most bills never even get to have a Democratic House, Senate, and Executive. I hope they convince enough losers, otherwise I may die.
Boy: Die? Bill: Yeah, die in committee.
Boy: If they vote yes, what happens?
Bill: Then I go to the Senate floor and, with 60 suckers’ votes, I’m law, baby.
Boy: Oh yes!
Bill: Oh Yes We Can!
I'm just a Stimulus bill.
Yes, I'm still a big fat pork barrel bill.
And I if they vote for me on The Messiah’s Capitol Hill.
Well, then I'm off to the Obama White House
Where I'll go straight to the head of the line
Because “stimulus” equals “socialism” to Democrat louses
For the president to sign
And if he signs me, then I'll be a law.
How, I know that chump will,
Since he has many supporters to whom he owes bills.
Boy: You mean even if the insane majority side of Congress says you should be a law, and the reasonable minority says no, the president can still say, Yes We Can!?
Bill: Yes, that's called putting the nation in the ghetto. If the President gives me some love, you and your kids get to pay for the construction of bridges, STD education, and National sod…big, beautiful sod laid down by illegal immigrants. Now that’s what I call a jobs bill! Boy: That sounds a little fishy, Stimulus. I mean…it
Bill: No! But…it really is easy. Here…have a big-screen TV!
How I hope (and schmooze a few moderates) so I will,
But today I am still just a Stimulus bill.
Congressman: The One signed you, Stimulus! Now you're bigger than the rest of us! Welcome to the New Lame Society.
Bill: Oh yes!!! Oh Yes We Can’t!!!
With apologies to Davie Frishberg, Jack Sheldon, and Phil Kimmelman.
