Sara Kuburic|USA TODAY
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We tend to misuse apologies. Whenever someone bumps into me in public, I automatically blurt out a “sorry.” And it is certainly not the only time people misuse the word.
Many of usapologize as a way to avoid conflict, sneak in ajustification(sorry, but…) or use itto launch into a shopping list of previous grievances.
Why is apologizing so important?
A sincere apology can go a long way.It doesn’t matter if we hurt someone intentionallyor accidently –wehave to take responsibility.Byowningour mistakes, we have the chancetorebuild trust,validate experiences and heal wounds.But when we refuse to take ownership,weignorethe consequences of our actions and lessen the safety of the relationship, and ultimately,deepen the hurt.
Why is apologizing so hard?
Perhaps Elton John was on to something:Sorry does seem to be the hardest word.
There are many reasons why apologizing can feel difficult and why many of us do it poorly:
- We want to denythe hurt we have caused because itchallengesor changesthe way we see ourselves.
- We worrythat if we take responsibility for one thing,it will result inourhaving to take responsibility for “everything."
- Wehaven’t hada role modelwho can showus how to apologizeornormalize thepractice.
- We struggleto overcome our pride.
Some of us struggle to offer sincere apologies,so wemakeinsincere non-apologies.
An apology is not...
- “You’re blowingthisout of proportion."
- "That's not what I meant."
- "You always take thingssopersonally."
- "Let's just forget about it."
- “Idon’t deserve you.”
- "I only said that because of whatyoudid."
- "I am sorry,but…"
- “I love you.”
- “It’s not my fault you feel…”
Anon-apologycan alsocome in theform of anaction.Buying a gift, having sex or making dinner– althoughoftenappreciated – does notreplacea sincereapology.
What makes a true apology?
Atrueapology ismore than a statement.It has to besincere, vulnerableand intentional.
An apology recipe – if that was a real thing – would look something like:
- Taking responsibility for making a mistake.
- Acknowledging that we have hurt someone.
- Validating their feelings.
- Expressing remorse.
- Beingexplicitabout our desire to make amends.
- Asking what we can doto mendanyrelationship ruptures.
The recipe wouldn’t end with the words. It would also involve modifying our future behaviors.Change is the final ingredient, it’s what determines theoveralltaste of the relationship.
Apologies are not a one size fits all.The intensity of the apology will reflect the intensity of the indiscretion.
Example1:"Sorry! Were you in line? Please go ahead, I’ll wait."
Example2:"I am sorry that I forgot to pick up milk onmyway home. I know how frustrating it is when I say I will do something and then I don’t. I want you to be able to rely on me.I’ll make sure to do better." Then, they pick up milk next time theyareasked.
Example3:"I am sorry that Iyelledat you.I made a mistake.I had no right to speak to you that way,you didn’t deserve it. I understand why you are upset andIwant you to know that I willwork hardto regain your trustand respect.Is there anything I can do to make you feel safe again?" And they do not yell at their partner again.
Sara Kuburic is a therapist who specializes in identity, relationships, and moral trauma. Every week she shares her advice with our readers.Find her on Instagram@millennial.therapist. She can be reached at SKuburic@gannett.com.
