2 Comments / By Noel Bell / January 31, 2024
Today I chatted with counsellor Tricia Ibe, about the topic of affairs and specifically about being the other woman in an affair (with a married man) who is single, which can be the other side of infidelity as it tends to have less focus, and perhaps much less sympathy than the betrayed wife. Her article on this subject was published on the counsellors member directory site Counselling Directory In the interview (see the link posted above) we discussed the nature of affairs, ethical non-monogamy (and unethical too, for that matter), the stigma and motives for affairs, the various attachment styles and what it is like to work therapeutically with people who are in the position of being the other woman.
The single woman being the other woman in an affair can experience the pain of silence, stigma and not having many people to emotionally share with, being love bombed (although could be doing the love bombing too) and living with a form hyper-vigilance about being caught.
Being the other woman can involve experiencing a rollercoaster of intense emotions, which could be the feeling of not being good enough, as well as the highs of exhilaration, excitement and anticipation. Powerful hormones can be at play which can appear to be intoxicating such as oxytocin (also known as the love hormone), adrenaline, dopamine and serotonin. Oxytocin is a natural hormone which is stored and released into the blood stream by the pituitary gland. Adrenaline, also referred to as epinephrine, is a hormone and a neurotransmitter in the central nervous system that produces effects that are associated with the ‘fight or flight’ response to perceived danger. Dopamine can release feelings of pleasure, satisfaction and motivation and serotonin, while similar to dopamine, can create a long-lasting feeling of happiness or well-being. These hormones can be thrilling and exciting and people can potentially end up being more and more reckless in their actions. Those more susceptible to addictive behaviours can be particularly prone to disinhibiting actions.
Whilst in the intoxicating thrill of the exciting parts of the affair, there can also be sudden sobering emotions too, such as what gets experienced with the impact of the events that unfold on D Day (discovery day – which is the day his wife finds out about the affair). D Day can represent a very sobering time and can have a devastating effect on her mental health and emotional well-being. Affairs are not always manifestations of love addiction but can be in some cases. When she is having an affair as a love addict, with an accompanying attachment style that fears abandonment, with a love avoidant, there can be a powerful cycle of emotional enmeshment. But she might also be an avoidant herself, and the man might be a love addict with abandonment issues. Or indeed, it could be two love addicts, or two avoidants. There can be a form of abandonment of self when there is a desperate need for the distraction brought about by the intensity and flurry of hormones associated with the attraction stage of the affair.
Adult attachment style is formed through early interactions between an infant and one or more primary caregivers (Bowlby, 1973, 1980, 1982, 1988), bonds between infants and caregivers contribute to the formation of infants’ internal working model of self and social interactions, so goes the theory. An attachment style is when we show a specific pattern of behaviour in our relationships in the social environment. The four adult attachment styles are: secure attachment (or what the research referred to as “B” babies), anxious or avoidant attachment (“A” babies), anxious/ambivalent attachment (“C” babies), and disorganised/disorientated/fearful attachment (“D” babies). There are, of course, additional sub-types, but in general, these four styles can give a sound understanding of Attachment Theory and any legacy for adult relational patterns. For more on this see my article on the fear of abandonment.
Noel Bell is a UK accredited psychotherapist based in London and can be contacted on 07852407140. Tricia Ibe is a counsellor also based in London and can be contacted on 07719914159.
