Having strong social connections is essential—they’re associated with better physical and mental health, and even longer life expectancy. Supportive relationships make it easier to cope when life throws challenges our way.
While talking out difficulties with a trusted friend can help with coping, sometimes, sharing trauma with a confidant can possibly lead to what is colloquially known as trauma dumping—and it can have a range of effects on the receiver’s mental health.
Here’s what the term means, plus strategies to stop trauma dumping, whether you’re the dumper or dumpee.
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What Is Trauma Dumping?
While not a clinical term, trauma dumping is when someone unloads the details of their traumatic experience onto someone without regard for its impact, says Naomi Torres-Mackie, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist at Lenox Hill Hospital in New York and head of research at The Mental Health Coalition. “The shared information is usually unsolicited and leaves the listener feeling overwhelmed, uncomfortable or even traumatized themselves (a phenomenon called secondary trauma),” she says.
Trauma dumping doesn’t facilitate healing, adds Jenn Kennedy, Ph.D., a licensed marriage and family therapist and founder of Riviera Therapy in Santa Barbara, California. “While it may provide short-term relief to the person doing it, ultimately, it doesn’t help either party and leaves the listener feeling burdened and helpless,” she says.
Trauma Dumping vs. Venting
While it may seem like trauma dumping and venting are one in the same, the two are actually quite different, experts note.
“Venting involves expressing emotions, frustrations or concerns to someone willing to listen in a balanced, conversational way,” says Peter Zafirides, M.D., a board-certified psychiatrist, partner, founder and president at Central Ohio Behavioral Medicine in Columbus. Venting doesn’t burden the listener; rather, it feels more like a critique or a complaint that doesn’t need to be solved, adds Kennedy.
On the other hand, trauma dumping is one-sided, can be traumatizing and often occurs without considering the impact on the listener, says Dr. Zafirides. “Trauma dumping feels like the speaker is trying to hand off their difficulty or enlist the other person to save them,” adds Kennedy.
It’s important to note that trauma dumping is subjective, defined mostly by the receiving party, says Eran Magen, Ph.D., a population health psychologist and founder of the suicide prevention system EarlyAlert.me. “What one person may consider over-sharing and upsetting may be something that another person can receive with ease—and even enjoy feeling trusted with,” says Magen. That’s why consent is critical, he says.
Effects of Trauma Dumping
Trauma dumping might trigger feelings of distress, anxiety or even re-traumatization for the listener, especially if they have experienced similar traumas, notes Dr. Zafirides. “Hearing detailed and traumatic details without consent or being fully prepared can be emotionally overwhelming to the listener,” he says.
“Someone on the receiving end of trauma dumping might feel hopeless, frustrated, drained, helpless or anxious,” adds Torres-Mackie. It might also make them feel taken advantage of, she says.
Taking another person through an unpleasant experience without their consent is never good for a relationship, explains Magen. “The potential harm includes making the receiving party uncomfortable—a little or a lot, for a short time or for a long time—because of the images that are now inside the receiving party’s head,” he says.
If boundaries are not respected, the listener can be traumatized based on their own experience; as a result, fractures in relationships are quite common, says Dr. Zafirides. “I have found it can be a challenge to heal relationships that have experienced a significant amount of trauma dumping,” he says.
Signs of Trauma Dumping
If someone tells you that you share too much or make them uncomfortable, it’s a clear sign of trauma dumping, says Magen. But sometimes the signs are more nuanced and may include the following, according to Dr. Zafirides and Torres-Mackie:
- You consistently dominate conversations with graphic or distressing details of your experiences
- You aren’t considering the listener’s reactions or emotions when you share
- Others seem uncomfortable, withdrawn or hesitant to engage when you share
- You feel out of control when sharing your trauma (like you just can’t stop)
- You find yourself sharing more details than you would like to
If you notice these signs, it’s critical to stop and reflect on the nature and content of your conversation, explains Dr. Zafirides. “Think about whether what you are saying—and how you are sharing it—may be triggering for the listener,” he says.
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4 Strategies for Overcoming Trauma Dumping, According to Experts
If you are conversing about a potentially traumatic topic, experts recommend taking the following steps.
1. Take a Pause
During a conversation, the receiving party can ask for a pause to create an opening for changing the dynamic, suggests Magen. He says that if you’re uncomfortable asking directly, find an opportunity to step away, such as using the restroom.
Next, you can say, “This is really difficult for me to hear. I know it was really hard for you, but I don’t think I’m the right person to help you with this,” says Magen. “You don’t have to apologize or say that you wish you could hear more,” he adds.
If you’re the person sharing, pausing while speaking gives the listener a chance to respond, says Kennedy, and you can gauge their comfort with the topic you’re discussing.
2. Establish Boundaries
If you’re the listener, politely but assertively express your limits, urges Dr. Zafarides. While setting boundaries sets limits for yourself, it also helps the trauma dumper, as they may be having problems setting their own emotional boundaries, he explains.
“Kindly let them know that while you’re there to listen and support, you’re also mindful of your own emotional capacity,” says Dr. Zafarides. “Be respectful but frank.”
If you’re the sharer, ask your friend if it’s okay with them if you share about trauma you have experienced, suggests Torres-Mackie, and as you speak, check in with them to see how they are feeling. “They might hesitate to tell you if it is too much, so look for nonverbal cues like closed body language, distant eye contact, glazed over eyes or hollow responses,” she says.
3. Have a Conversation About Consent
Magen suggests conversing to learn what each person wants and feels comfortable with during an interaction. Find a way to ensure ongoing consent and how to express a need to stop in a way that feels kind, clear and effective to everyone involved, he says.
If you’re uncomfortable and don’t wish to hear about a topic, Torres-Mackie advises saying, “I appreciate that you feel comfortable enough to share this with me, but I have to tell you; when you share these details, it leaves me feeling overwhelmed. I could support you better if we leave out the details of the trauma. Would that be okay with you?”
4. Set Time Limits
Setting time limits before sharing details about difficult topics allows the sharer to turn the conversation to something more neutral and reciprocal, says Kennedy.
Listeners can take control by setting a time limit at the start of the conversation and redirecting the conversation to more neutral topics, advises Kennedy. This also allows you to reflect on whether you are able or willing to participate in this dynamic again.
“Keep in mind that many people love it when others share difficult experiences with them—it brings people together, creates vulnerability and demonstrates trust,” says Magen. To share difficult experiences effectively in a way that feels safe and comfortable for everyone, ongoing genuine consent is essential; for the receiving party, it’s important to monitor your comfort level and to ask for a pause if you need one, he says.
