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This week we are talking about releasing judgment.
First: what is self judgment? Self judgment is just what it sounds like: the process we go through when we judge or criticize ourselves. It’s often second nature, not even consciously thought of, more of an automatic reaction we have to our own thoughts, actions & feelings.
Sometimes they are used as a type of defense mechanism: “if I am harsh with myself, if I am my own worst critic, then the criticisms of others can’t hurt me.” It is a way many of us learned to protect ourselves from fear, failure and rejection.
Examples of self judgment includes thoughts like:
- I’m so stupid
- I’ll never be able to do this right
- Why would I ever think someone could love me
- Why would I have said that? They must think I’m so stupid
- I’ll never fit in here
- I don’t belong
But while the criticisms come from a very honest place, the process of self judgment can very easily turn toxic and lead to worsening anxiety, anger and depression.
Today I want you to think about the way you talk to yourself.
Take a look at the critical thoughts above, do they sound familiar? Are they things you often find yourself saying or thinking?
When we fixate on these judgments and criticisms, often what is happening is we are projecting our own fears onto the situation we’re in. We’re afraid we won’t fit in, that we’ll sound stupid, that we’ll let someone down. So we let this judgment hover over everything we do in order to try to prevent that. But in this process, we simply increase our own anxiety. While we feel like judging ourselves harshly will motivate us to do well and prevent letting others down, what it does in reality is increase anxiety, anger & depression, as well as our own negative self talk. And the more negative self talk we engage in, the lower our own self esteem becomes–making it all a vicious circle.
How would your whole world shift if your inner critic took a day off? So what can you do to start turning off the voice of your inner critic?
Treat the judgments as lessons:
What is the little voice telling you? Is it telling you that you’re not smart enough? That you’re not good enough? Figure out what the judgment actually is. If you find yourself thinking “I’m so stupid” stop and consider it. What is making you feel stupid? What does stupid feel like to you? Why is this a fear? When you are able to understand where the judgment is coming from, you can offer yourself some compassion and room to relax. It’s not that you are stupid, maybe it’s that there has always been pressure to out perform others to receive praise or feel worthy. Now when you hear those thoughts creeping back up you can remind yourself where they are coming from. You can say “I might feel stupid, but that’s because I put too much pressure on myself. It’s okay to not know everything, and to need help.”
Be a friend to yourself:
Would you say any of the things you say to yourself to your best friend? When you find yourself getting self-critical, imagine instead you are speaking to your best friend. Is what you were thinking still true? Or did it come from a place of fear? Rework your thoughts so that you are saying to yourself only the things you would say to your friend.
Imagine younger you:
Where did these fears come from? How did they get rooted within you? Think back to younger you, where the seeds were planted. What can you do to help little you? What do you want to say to them? Speak to younger you if you can’t find enough compassion for present you.
Remember judgments are feelings not facts:
In other words: don’t judge the judgment. You are not broken or wrong or lesser because you judge yourself. Your self judgments come from an honest place within you–but that doesn’t mean they are true. Remind yourself that you are allowed to feel whatever you need to openly & without shame, but that feelings should not be taken as a road map for the world. Go back to #1 and do some reflection. What is this feeling telling you? Learn what you can from it, and move on without beating yourself up.
“Feeling bad is not the problem. The problem is that we feel bad about feeling bad. Once you begin to let go of feeling bad about feeling bad, and start feeling better about feeling bad, then pretty soon you’ll just feel better. And then you’ll feel awesome.” -Eric Micha’el Leventhal
Think different, do more, worry less.
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