Having boundaries is like drawing a line. One side has the things you are okay with and the other side, those that you are not okay with, don’t feel ready for, or make you uncomfortable. This line looks different for everyone, so it is important for you to know where yours needs to be drawn. Setting boundaries is a way to teach your partner about your needs, and let you know when something doesn’t feel right. You are allowed to put your needs before someone else’s needs, especially if their needs make you uncomfortable.
Step 1: What are your boundaries?
Think about these categories and what they mean in terms of your relationship.
Physical: Are you okay with public displays of affection? Does affection make you uncomfortable? Do you hate it or love it when your partner tickles you? Do you need a lot of alone time? Learn more about physical boundaries and abuse.
Emotional: Are you able to share what you are feeling right away or do you need some time to think about it? Do you need your partner to be available anytime you have a crisis? When are you ready to say I love you? Learn more about emotional boundaries and abuse.
Sexual: Do you need to get to know your partner a while before engaging in any kind of sexual activity, or are you okay getting physical right away? What sexual activity are you okay with? Learn more about sexual boundaries and abuse.
Digital: Are you posting your relationship status? Is it okay if your partner uses your phone? Do you want to share passwords? Learn more about digital boundaries and abuse.
Material: Do you like sharing your stuff? Are you okay paying for your partner or vice versa?
Spiritual: Do you like to practice your religion with a partner or alone? Does your partner need to have the same beliefs as you or can they be different as long as yours are respected? Are you waiting until marriage before you have sex?
Step 2: Letting your partner know what your boundaries are.
You don’t have to sit down with your partner with a check list of all of the things that make you uncomfortable, but you do have be open and honest. Some of these things might come up early in the relationship, like if you are a virgin and don’t want to have sex until you’re ready. Some of these things may not come up for a while, like if your partner wants to share passwords after dating for 6 months. When your needs are different than your partner’s, have a conversation; you don’t need to give an explanation. It may be awkward, but having the tough conversations is a part of having a healthy relationship. When your partner listens to you and respects you, it builds trust.
Step 3: Recognizing when the line has been crossed.
Sometimes, boundaries get crossed even after you’ve talked with your partner; this is where trusting yourself comes in. You may be sad, anxious or angry or you may not know exactly what you are feeling. Always trust your gut. If something doesn’t feel right to you, it probably isn’t.
Step 4: Responding.
If a boundary has been crossed by your partner who didn’t know where your line was drawn, have an honest conversation. It could be something as simple as saying, “Hey, I really don’t like it when you ________. This makes me really uncomfortable. Do you think next time you can ______ instead?” This might take some back and forth before coming to an agreement that meets both of your needs, but your relationship will be stronger because of it.
If a boundary has been crossed even though you had already been clear about your boundaries, this might be abuse. Crossing a line might be obvious, like if you say no to having sex, but your partner uses physical force to make you do something you don’t want to do. But it can also be more subtle, like if your partner guilts you into something, begs you until you give in or threatens to break up with you unless you do what they want.
FAQs
Healthy relationships are best described as interdependent. Interdependence means you rely on each other for mutual support but still maintain your identity as a unique individual. In other words, your relationship is balanced. You know you have their approval and love, but your self-esteem doesn't depend on them.
What does a healthy relationship look like? ›
Healthy relationships involve honesty, trust, respect and open communication between partners and they take effort and compromise from both people. There is no imbalance of power. Partners respect each other's independence, can make their own decisions without fear of retribution or retaliation, and share decisions.
What are the 5 A's of a healthy relationship? ›
For David Richo in his book 'How to be an Adult in Relationships', there are five key elements that all healthy relationships need - attention, acceptance, appreciation, affection and allowing. I love discussing these with clients and exploring how each are showing up in their relationship.
How do you answer what I look for in a relationship? ›
Answer clearly, concisely, and honestly. Your response should reflect what is truly important to you. Possible things to look for in a relationship include emotional maturity, mutual trust and respect, friendship, physical attraction, and clear communication.
What are the two qualities required for a healthy relationship? ›
Healthy Relationships
- Mutual respect. Respect means that each person values who the other is and understands the other person's boundaries.
- Trust. Partners should place trust in each other and give each other the benefit of the doubt.
- Honesty. ...
- Compromise. ...
- Individuality. ...
- Good communication. ...
- Anger control. ...
- Fighting fair.
Take a look at these 10 signs of a healthy relationship.
- You respect each other. ...
- You trust one another. ...
- You communicate well as a couple. ...
- You're both committed to the relationship. ...
- You're kind to each other. ...
- You enjoy each other's company. ...
- You support each other's goals. ...
- You make decisions together.
The 5-5-5 method is simple, according to Clarke. When a disagreement comes up, each partner will take 5 minutes to speak while the other simply listens, and then they use the final five minutes to talk it through.
What is the 3 C's of a healthy relationship? ›
February may be the month of love, but it takes more than chocolates, flowers and dinner dates to make a relationship work. A strong and healthy relationship is built on the three C's: Communication, Compromise and Commitment.
What are the top 5 things that make a good relationship? ›
Top tips on building and maintaining healthy relationships
- Set and respect boundaries. Setting boundaries is not only about what you don't want or like in your relationships, but also about letting the people around you know what you appreciate. ...
- Talk and Listen. ...
- Let go of control. ...
- Reflect and learn.
Traits to look for in a life partner
- They have a solid foundation. ...
- They can communicate effectively. ...
- They share your values. ...
- They demonstrate respect. ...
- They show empathy. ...
- They recognize and appreciate their imperfections. ...
- They're open to influence. ...
- They give affection in the way you need.
Relationship Questions
- What's your love language?
- Would you like to be married?
- Do you think finances should be kept separate in a marriage?
- Do you want children?
- Would you be willing to relocate if your partner got a job in a different city?
- What's the best piece of relationship advice you've gotten?
Healthy relationships are best described as interdependent. Interdependence means you rely on each other for mutual support but still maintain your identity as a unique individual. In other words, your relationship is balanced. You know you have their approval and love, but your self-esteem doesn't depend on them.
What makes a relationship strong? ›
Relationship tips. Work on communication skills. Strong relationships are built on effective communication. Make an effort to really listen to each other and share both positive and negative feelings to keep the environment honest and open.
What 3 qualities are most important to you in a relationship? ›
What Are the Three Most Important Things in a Relationship?
- Intimacy. You may think of the sexual aspect of relationship when you hear the word intimacy, but this relational building block covers so much more. ...
- Commitment. ...
- Communication.
Red flags in relationships are warning signs that indicate unhealthy or manipulative behavior. Examples include controlling behavior, lack of respect, love bombing, and emotional or physical abuse. These behaviors may start subtly but tend to become more problematic over time, potentially leading to toxic dynamics.
What are 3-4 warning signs of an unhealthy relationship? ›
However, insults, jealous accusations, yelling, put-downs, shoving, pushing or other abusive behaviors, are unhealthy and disrespectful. You deserve to be respected. If you think your relationship is unhealthy, focus on your safety, talk to someone you trust, or contact a service provider for support.
What does real love feel like? ›
“It goes beyond merely being heard; it's about feeling that your words hold importance for your partner,” shares Consul. This feeling indicates emotional connection, trust, and vulnerability. True love feels less like adrenaline and more like the sense of calm you're left with after receiving a much-needed hug.
What is a toxic relationship? ›
Toxic behavior in relationships includes power, control, and disrespect. Not taking the time to try and understand how their partner might be feeling, behaving without consideration, and being disrespectful or mistrusting are all toxic behaviors. Healthy behavior in a relationship is respectful, honest, and equal.
