About half of Americans get married, and about half of those stay married. If these odds were for gambling they’d be great, but for marriage, the stats can be sobering. No one wants to enter a marriage thinking they’ll be the half that doesn’t make it. However, being educated as to why marriages dissolve could help you be more prepared to beat the odds.
Average Duration of a Marriage in the U.S.
We know the hard truth about marriages in that 50% of them end. So how long after the “I do’s” are the divorce papers signed? According to the Census Bureau, the average length of a first marriage is eight years. Italy’s is about double that. But the US doesn’t win the title for the world’s shortest marriage. Marriages in Qatar last an average of only five years.
So why eight years here in the U.S.? You may have heard of the “seven-year itch” as it relates to marriage. The term is used to describe restlessness and dissatisfaction at the seven-year mark in a relationship. While there is dispute over this, we can focus on the science. What scientific evidence proves is that our bodies and minds change every seven years. Human cells replace themselves every 7-10 years. This can explain why at the seven-year mark partners may find they’re going in different directions. When they wed, they were aligned, but now their wants, needs, attitudes, and values have shifted.
Factors Influencing Average Marriage Length
The statistics on marriage can be a buzzkill. We all want to believe they don’t apply to us. Long before the marriage begins there are factors that influence the couple’s chance for a successful marriage. Some factors are under the couple’s control, others are not.
Age
Is there a perfect age to get married? Probably not. However, the data doesn’t lie. It shows that couples who get married at age 20 are 50 percent more likely to divorce than couples who wait until 25, with 28 being the “sweet spot” a 2016 study by Psychology Today suggests. Speaking of age, divorce is more common in couples with larger age gaps.
Parent’s Marriage
If a couple’s parents were happily married, the couple is more likely to be happily married and less likely to divorce.
Finances
Financial stability may not be romantic but it plays a huge role when it comes to marital satisfaction. Research shows that financial management behaviors have an impact on the quality of relationships as well as on the subjective well-being of people in a relationship
College Education
There is a downward trend in divorce, and it is driven by those with higher education. Researchers at the National Center for Health Statistics estimate that 78% of college-educated women who married for the first time between 2006 and 2010 could expect their marriages to last at least 20 years. But among women who have a high school education or less, only 40% are predicted to be married that long.
External Support
Support from one’s family is important. Whether the mother, father, etc support the relationship is influential. The power that comes from a circle of family and friends is sometimes underestimated. Depending on the amount of interactions and severity of difficulties, the dynamics with the in-laws can make or break the marriage.
Friendship
Sure, attraction and sex are great to have but don’t forget friendship. Friendship is characterized by respect, affection, and empathy. John Gottman’s research shows that high-quality friendship in a marriage is an important predictor of romantic and physical satisfaction.
Commitment
How much effort is each person willing to put in? When times get hard will they run or stick it out? Both happily and unhappily married couples note the perceived nature of the relationship and the belief in long-term commitment as the primary reasons for remaining in the marriage, according to a study.
Parenthood
It’s inevitable. Having children will change your relationship with your spouse. Parenthood can be attributed to a decline in marital relationship quality and satisfaction.
Trends in Duration Over Time
In the US and all over the world, people have been waiting to later to tie the knot. Although we seem to hear only about how high the divorce rate is. It has been on a slow decline. So when calculating the median duration of marriages, delays in marriage and decreases in divorce rates could impact how long currently married individuals have been married. In 2018, the median duration of marriage for individuals in a first marriage was 21 years. In other words, half of Americans in a first marriage in 2018 were married for at least 21 years. Between 2008 and 2016, the median age at first marriage rose approximately two full years to 30 for men and 28 for women.
Mental Health Effects of Divorce or Separation
Divorced individuals, compared to their married counterparts, have higher levels of psychological distress, substance abuse, and depression, as well as lower levels of overall health. Marital conflict and divorce have also been shown to be associated with negative child outcomes including lower academic success, poorer psychological well-being, and increased levels of depression and anxiety.
Common Reasons for Divorce/Separation
Marriages fail for many reasons. If asked why it ended, it’s not usually something that can be neatly summarized in a one-line explanation. Marriages are more complex than that. “Irreconcilable differences” is what we often hear as the official reason for documentation. But what does this actually mean?
1. Lack of Commitment
A 2013 study on reasons for divorce found that 75% of couples divorced due to lack of commitment. Lack of commitment can mean different things:
- Commitment Issues – A partner may have internal reasons why they lack commitment. Commitment issues are not uncommon. They can be attributed to attachment issues or fear of intimacy. All of which are personal problems rather than resistance to commit to that person.
- Lack of Attraction – It can be hard to commit fully if something else is lacking, such as the romantic interest in your partner. If physical or emotional intimacy is a problem, overall commitment to the relationship can gradually erode.
- Major Hurt – Negative events such as infidelity can dramatically decrease the levels of commitment. It might seem like the damage done is insurmountable and so one or both partners are no longer willing to work on the relationship.
2. Infidelity
Another major contributor to divorce is infidelity. It is often described as a critical turning point, or final straw to an already problematic relationship. The ramifications extend far beyond the act itself. Whether it’s emotional or physical, infidelity can erode the key components that keep your relationship healthy, such as trust.
3. Conflict
Conflict such as constant arguing, boils down to poor communication. Of the couples citing constant arguing and conflict as a reason for divorce, they indicated that conflicts were not resolved calmly or effectively. When smaller conflicts are not resolved appropriately, they can build and lead to more and more reasons for conflict. Small things easily turn into big things. Arguments only become worse over time.
4. Domestic Violence
Physical abuse is often what comes to mind. But domestic violence can take many other ugly forms. It is a pattern of physical, psychological, and abusive behavior that can affect any family member regardless of their age, gender, sexual preference, ethnicity, or social standing. It often starts gradually. Many times it accompanies or follows emotional abuse.
5. Substance Use Disorders
Addiction is powerful enough to undo even the strongest connections. The hold that addiction has can prevent them from resembling the person they once were. For their partner, they may not recognize this person as the one they married. Addiction casts a long shadow, causing suffering not only for the user but also for their partner, who eventually cannot tolerate it any longer.
6. Financial Issues
Unresolved financial challenges are one of the top reasons for divorce. Money problems cause conflict, stress, and tension, capable of overshadowing the good in the relationship. For some couples, financial issues can be the most pertinent reason for divorce. Others state that financial difficulties were linked to other problems (e.g., health problems, and substance abuse).
7. Marrying too Young
“Age is only a number”. It’s also a common reason cited for divorce, specifically for those who marry young. Divorce rates are highest among couples in their 20s, making divorce most common before the age of 30. Why? Because when you’re in your twenties, you’re not yet sure what you want (or don’t want). The human brain doesn’t stop developing until the mid-twenties. We are (quite literally) still forming who we are.
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Strategies to Improve Marital Satisfaction
Work on building intimacy, of all types.
Here are some ways to improve intimacy, a building block of a long-lasting relationship:
Experience
Travel to a different place, plan a unique date night or experiment with an activity. Adding novelty to your relationship can help you relax and have fun in all areas of intimacy.
Meaningful Conversation
Think of questions you have never asked each other. The increase in emotional and intellectual intimacy that comes from deeper conversations will strengthen your bond.
Be Present
Spending time staring at screens can negatively impact our in-person intimacy with our partners. Improve your connection by having hours where you are present without distraction.
Prioritize Affection
Meaningful touch helps build physical and sexual intimacy. Being conscious of incorporating small gestures, such as holding hands or having an arm on your partner’s shoulder, shows a desire to be close to your partner.
Appreciate
Don’t forget to verbalize your appreciation. Telling each other how much your relationship means is a building block for a secure relationship where intimacy can flourish.
Set Healthy Boundaries
Healthy boundaries reflect what we want, and don’t want as well as what is okay with us and what is not. More vital than what the boundaries look like is that they function well for all involved in the relationship. Together, create a shared vision regarding core values and partnership dynamics. For example, one marriage may thrive on respect for quality time together and displays of physical affection.
Evaluate Your Expectations
Avoid holding unrealistic expectations for your relationship and your partner. Let go of the idea that your partner is the one responsible for your happiness, or that they should be without flaws. Instead, focus on fostering what’s expected in a healthy relationship: things like mutual respect, trust, and regular and effective communication. Placing impossible expectations on a partner and a relationship robs us of long-term happiness and sets the stage for criticism and contempt.
Attend Couples Counseling
Couples therapy alone can be the difference between saving a marriage and letting it die. Therapy is an effective way to mend your relationship by allowing a neutral third-party view of your dynamic.
Empirically-based couples therapy has demonstrated that couples therapy can create a positive change for 70% of couples. And these changes can be long-lasting, giving them new tools for conflict and fresh approaches along with the ability to better understand their better and their needs.
Whether you’ve already exhausted all avenues or you’ve just discovered your marriage needs help, The Couples Center can help. We have experienced therapists who can help you turn your relationship around.
