Establishing boundaries, limiting contact, muting your ex on social media, and asking for support are some of the things you can do after a breakup. Healing your mind and heart may take time, though.
The end of a relationship, even if you initiated it, can mean sudden change, new emotions, and a sense of loss. For some people, it may also mean the onset of symptoms of depression or anxiety.
It is important to take steps to heal and establish a space between you and your ex. These tips may help.
It’s sometimes easy to avoid crossing paths with an ex-partner after a breakup. But if you live in a small town or know a lot of the same people, you might have a harder time completely separating your lives.
If you or your ex didn’t want the breakup, it may be additionally difficult to create the space needed to help.
Setting clear boundaries for future contact can help make the breakup easier for you both.
Take some time apart
Even if you both know you want to maintain a friendship, a little time apart will not hurt. Taking a break from texting and hanging out can help you both start healing.
Licensed mental health counselor Katherine Ibis suggests waiting between 1 and 3 months before getting back in touch with your ex if that’s something you’re interested in. This gives you time to focus on yourself.
Taking time apart after a breakup can also help you avoid falling into a harmful pattern of offering emotional support to your ex-partner and prolonging the grieving period.
Respect each other’s needs
If you want to stay friends but your ex doesn’t want any contact, it’s important to respect that. It may be tempting for you to come up with reasons to stay in touch, but your ex’s needs and wants need to be respected. Don’t call, text, or ask their friends to talk with them for you.
You might miss your ex dearly after a breakup, but not respecting their boundaries will likely hurt any future chance of friendship.
If, on the other hand, your ex has ghosted you (suddenly stopped all contact), try to avoid the urge to contact them for an explanation. It’s natural to feel hurt by their disappearance, but it’s likely your attempts to reach them will go unanswered as well, and they could prolong your pain.
Alternatively, if your ex contacts you before you’re ready to talk, don’t feel obligated to respond. This can be difficult, especially if they seem vulnerable or express feelings similar to your own. Remind yourself that you both need time and space to deal with those difficult emotions. Once you both have healed, you can reconnect if that’s what you both want.
Maintain some distance if you reconnect
If you both want to try friendship after some time apart, it’s important to remember that you’re not a couple anymore, and new rules need to be established.
You may want to look for old patterns and behaviors. Maybe you lean your head on their shoulder while watching a movie, or they come to you for help during a crisis.
There’s nothing inherently wrong with these behaviors, but they may lead to a lot of confusion and further heartbreak if one or both of you still have feelings for each other.
Halting any behavior that makes you or them think, “It seems like we never broke up,” is probably for the best.
Read about the signs that indicate it’s healthy to be friends with your ex.
‘Just friends’ guidelines
Keeping some distance means not doing anything you wouldn’t typically do with another friend, such as:
- cuddling or other physical close contact
- spending the night together in the same bed
- treating each other to expensive meals or gifts
- providing consistent emotional or financial support
- sabotaging each other’s romantic lives
Discuss how you’ll handle encounters
Sometimes, there’s just no avoiding an ex. Maybe you work together, attend the same college classes, or have all of the same friends. In these cases, it may be a good idea to have a conversation about what you’ll do when you inevitably see each other.
Aim to keep things polite, even if you had a less-than-cordial breakup. Keep in mind that you can’t control someone else’s behavior. If they can’t abide by the agreement and act up, try to take the high road by not engaging them.
If you work together, do everything you can to maintain a professional relationship. Keep the conversation civil and try to avoid talking with coworkers about what happened. Gossip spreads easily, and even a few basic facts can change wildly from person to person.
Not sure what to say? Try something like, “We decided to stop seeing each other, but we’re committed to maintaining a good working relationship.”
Read about on-and-off relationships.
Once you’ve established your boundaries and have the space you need, it’s a good opportunity to focus on the relationship with yourself. Whether you want to eventually reconnect with your ex or establish new romantic relationships, time spent on you can help you get mentally and emotionally ready for that.
Prioritize self-care
Ibis recommends creating a daily self-care routine where each day you do something that:
- brings you joy (see friends, have a new experience, spend time on your favorite hobby)
- nurtures you (exercise, meditate, cook a satisfying meal)
- helps you process your feelings (journaling, talking with a therapist or support person)
It’s also important to get enough rest. When you’re feeling down, your sleep and eating patterns may change. Try to get enough sleep (7-8 hours per day), but avoid sleeping too much. Lack of sleep or oversleeping can further affect your mood and may interfere with your responsibilities.
It’s also important to watch what you eat and make sure you get the nutrition your body needs.
Read about foods to eat and avoid when you’re feeling down.
Express your feelings…
It’s natural to experience new or strong emotions after a breakup, including:
- anger
- sadness
- grief
- confusion
- loneliness
Acknowledging and openly expressing these feelings can help. You may want to write them down, illustrate them, or talk with a loved one about what you feel. Movies, music, and books about people going through similar situations can help you relate to that experience, and offer some emotional comfort.
…but avoid wallowing in them
Try not to get stuck in a cycle of negative emotions or thoughts.
Ruminating may extend the period of grief and sadness. If you can’t stop thinking about your ex, try a “reset” by getting out of the house, visiting a friend, or putting on music and doing some deep cleaning.
If you feel overly emotional, try to take a break from sad or romantic dramas and love songs. Instead, try comedic or uplifting shows, upbeat music, and lighthearted novels without romance. These can help distract you from your emotions if they are overwhelming at the time.
Tell your story
Ibis suggests writing out a short narrative about your breakup. Just a sentence or two is fine. For example, “I need time and space to reconnect with myself and my needs before I can be in a relationship with someone.” Another option might be, “Breaking up is a process, and nothing is clear right away.”
Keep this somewhere visible, like your bathroom mirror or fridge, and focus on it when you miss your ex and want to reach out, she said.
It’s not always easy to know how to set boundaries around digital involvement, but here are some general post-breakup dos and don’ts.
Do avoid using social media as much as possible
“Social media creates an environment for stalking and unhealthy fixation, along with opportunities for passive-aggressive bullying,” said Ibis.
Taking some time away from social media can be helpful after a breakup. This ensures you don’t sow your mood by coming across photos of your ex or of seemingly picture-perfect couples.
If you do use social media after your breakup, Ibis recommends using it only to connect with and gain support from friends and family. For example, you might consider temporarily deleting the Facebook app from your phone and using Messenger to chat.
Don’t post about the breakup
You don’t need to publicly share that your relationship has ended because, chances are, the people who need to know already do know.
“Social media isn’t the place to air your feelings or frustrations toward an ex-partner,” said Ibis.
Not posting about your breakup can also prevent uncomfortable questions from other people or conflict with your ex.
Do unfollow (or mute) your ex
You don’t necessarily need to unfriend an ex if:
- the relationship ended on good terms
- you want to stay friends
- you have other social connections
But most social media apps now let you mute or hide people without having to unfollow them. Muting your ex for a while may help you to avoid seeing the content they share. You may want to do the same with their close friends and families.
Don’t check out your ex’s page
You may feel tempted to check an ex’s status or photos after a breakup, especially if you’ve seen them around town with someone new. Maybe you want to know if they feel as awful as you do, or maybe you’re looking for that vague status update you just know was meant for you.
But if there are no plans to reconnect anytime soon and your goal is to get over the breakup, keeping up to date on your ex’s life may keep you stuck in post-breakup grief.
Read more about tips to cope with a breakup.
Breaking up with a live-in partner may bring about a separate set of challenges and a specific approach to healing.
Revamp your space
If your partner moves out, your house or apartment may feel totally different. You may feel lonely in the space or it may not feel like “home” anymore. Maybe you feel tempted to pack up and move to a place without so many painful memories. This is a valid option if it’s within your possibilities.
If you need to stay in the same place, it may help to focus on refreshing your surroundings and making the space completely yours.
Consider a ‘mini remodel’
You may want to:
- move furniture around
- get new mugs or dishes
- invest in some new bedding
- get rid of one piece of furniture that you can easily replace
- donate the blanket you always cuddled under and replace it with throws in different textures and colors
- try a different color scheme in your living room or bedroom
- paint your table and chairs.
- change rugs, throw pillows, cushions, and blankets
- get new plants
Box up mementos
It may also help to pack up significant reminders of the relationship, including gifts, photographs, or things you bought together.
You don’t have to throw these things away if you don’t want to. Just set the box aside so you won’t see it all the time. Down the road, you could take another look and decide what you want to keep.
Gather their belongings
If your partner left things behind, a respectful option is to box them up until any no-contact period has passed. Then, send a polite message letting them know you still have their belongings.
You may want to donate anything they intentionally left or said they didn’t want.
When working through a polyamorous breakup, it’s important to consider how breaking up with one partner can affect your other relationships.
Be open about your emotions
Following a breakup with one partner, you may find yourself drawing closer, both physically and emotionally, to other partners.
It’s also possible that you feel:
- hesitant about physical intimacy
- vulnerable
- less interested in your usual activities
Your feelings are valid, and compassionate partners will understand that you’re dealing with a difficult situation. They’ll most likely want to offer support however they can. Just keep in mind that they could experience some emotional fallout from your breakup, too.
You may want to keep them in the loop about what you’re feeling and try to communicate what you each need from each other during this transition.
Talk about next steps
As you adjust to having one less partner, you might want to talk with your current partners about:
- ways your relationship might temporarily change (for example, you might have less interest in physical intimacy at the moment)
- any new boundaries you (or they) want to set for your relationship
- how to handle situations where you might see your ex-partner
Breakups can be challenging, and they may take an emotional toll on you. Trusted friends and family can become a source of support, but sometimes it’s just not enough.
Consider reaching out to a counselor or mental health therapist to help you:
- identify the best coping methods for the specific situation
- engage in actionable strategies to manage your emotions
- reframe negative thoughts that may impact your mood
- address and challenge persistent negative emotions and thoughts
- deal with the effects of manipulation or abuse, if that was a breakup factor
- work on a plan for the future
Many therapists specialize in helping people work through breakup grief.
It’s especially important to reach out for support if you experience:
- symptoms of depression or anxiety
- have thoughts of hurting yourself or others
- keep trying to contact your ex or think about contacting them often
Healing after a breakup may take time — probably more than you’d like. But try to remember that things will get easier as time goes on. In the meantime, it’s important to establish boundaries, limit contact, stop following them on social media, pamper yourself, and reach out if you need support.
