I’ve always known I was queer, on some level (though, like a lot of queer people I’d managed to do a scarily good job of hiding it, even from myself) and so we decided to dip our toe into opening up the relationship. We chatted about what this might look like for us. At the time, we agreed that this was something we wanted to explore together, and a threesome with another woman felt like the right thing (Paul is straight, I’m queer, so this was a relative no-brainer). At that time, we weren’t looking for anything serious. In fact, at that time, if you’d asked me if I thought throuples could work out long term, I’d probably have said no. Back then, I believed a lot of the misconceptions that people confront me with today. I thought that monogamy was the only real option because I’d never experienced, or really seen, any living examples outside of that. For most people, monogamy is the default, it’s the thing our parents, our extended families, the education system, films, TV shows, advertising, pop songs, all position as the one valid option: no wonder stepping outside of that feels impossible.
When our relationship started to become more serious we started to reassess some of the boundaries we’d put in place in the earlier days. Initially we’d only go on dates all together, for example, but when you’re a long term throuple, when you live together, that’s just not practical or realistic. I mean, if one of us is away on a work trip what are the other two expected to do? Sit in separate rooms and just wait until that person get back? Obviously not. Just like any relationship, ours has evolved and so the “rules” have evolved with it. Our relationship involves a lot of communication and we’re not afraid to say when we’re feeling unsure about something or insecure. We reassure one another and we don’t let anxieties curdle. Who knew communication is the big secret to a good relationship, huh?In our throuple, we all date each other. There are different types of throuple set ups, including what’s sometimes called an ‘open-ended triad’ which is where one person dates two people, but those two people aren’t dating one another. In our set up, I really have four dynamics to think about: my relationship with Paul, my relationship with Andrea, our relationship as three people and (to a lesser extent) Paul and Andrea’s relationship with one another. If that sounds like a lot, well, it kind of is. But just because something is challenging sometimes doesn’t mean it’s not hugely worth it.
