By: Milena J. Wisniewska
I vividly recall one morning about three years ago. My phone lit up like a Christmas tree, with 22 messages from eight different chat groups. I rubbed my bleary eyes and scrolled through the barrage of messages, a mix of requests, reminders, and confirmations. The clock read 7 a.m.
It was as if my phone had become a leash, tethering me to the demands of others. But at that moment, I decided — I was going to take control of my life.
Setting boundaries was the key to my transformation.
Table of Contents
What Are Boundaries in a Relationship?
Boundaries are the invisible lines that indicate where “me” ends and “you” begins. They define who you are in relation to those around you.
In a recent issue of Personality and Environmental Issues, author Taras Chernata says that boundaries are an “important aspect of mental health ... they help individuals remain true to themselves, feel harmony, define their needs and desires, and protect their psychological and emotional integrity.”[1]
Think of them as borders to a country. Imagine the confusion if there wasn’t a line on a map saying one side is the US and the other is Canada. (How would we know which is the good side of Niagara Falls?)
So, relationship boundaries are the tools to forge your existence and identity. They’re a way for you to healthily coexist with someone without being sucked into their orbit.
Why Are Boundaries Important in a Relationship?
Setting boundaries is about valuing and respecting yourself. It signals to others, “Here’s how to treat me right!” It sets standards for what is considered okay and not okay in your relationships.
And why is respect so crucial?
Authors Hendrick, Hendrick, and Zacchilli tell us in a 2011 article from Acta de Investigación Psicológica at the National Autonomous University of Mexico that respect in relationships reflects “regard, admiration, and appreciation of the worthiness of another person.”[2]
Being respected means you’re treated as worthy of someone’s time and energy.
Let that sink in.
When you set firm boundaries, you demand respect.
Author Nedra Glover Tawaab explains in her book Set Boundaries, Find Peace that “relationships without boundaries are dysfunctional, unreasonable, and hard to manage. They operate mostly based on the assumption that something ‘magical’ will happen to turn it all around.”[3]
Sorry to break it to you: It won’t.
Say your partner disappears into thin air. No message. No nothing. You’re slowly coming to terms with being ruthlessly ghosted, your heartbreak support squad in full force, when out of the blue, a week later, they resurface, acting as if nothing happened. Excuse me? An explanation, please?
With a well-buffed boundary muscle, you inform them that a line has been crossed. You demand clarification and an apology (which you absolutely deserve).
When you set boundaries, you strengthen your defensive position. You know what hurts or drains you, so you communicate that and hopefully avoid painful situations.
Examples of Boundaries in Relationships
While boundaries come in all shapes and sizes, experts tend to group them into these four categories.
Physical boundaries
Physical boundaries are all about your personal comfort zone. They dictate who can get close to your body and how.
Remember on Friends when Joey dated the girl who kept punching him? Joey failed to set boundaries, and Rachel had to step in and save him. The girl was a jackass, Rachel was a savior and Joey . . . well, Joey was kind of a loser.
Don’t be a Joey! Communicate your physical boundaries.
In romantic relationships, physical boundaries often manifest as sexual boundaries (though not always). Sexual boundaries have always mattered, but the recent #MeToo movement has highlighted the importance of explicit consent and how little people actually understand about it.
Dr. Faith G. Harper, author of Unf*ck Your Boundaries, applauds society’s recent emphasis on consent and says, “consent culture at its highest level-up is when we don’t feel weird or embarrassed for establishing and respecting boundaries.”[4]
She says sexual boundaries are “about acceptable language, ideas, and information around sexuality. They’re about terms you use surrounding sex ... Boundaries around sex are way bigger than the sexual act itself.”[5]
Important: Being in a relationship with someone doesn’t give them automatic, unrestricted access to your body.
Being in a relationship with someone doesn’t give them automatic, unrestricted access to your body.
You should always feel safe to say “no.”
You are your own best advocate, so make sure you firmly communicate and establish your physical boundaries, sexual or otherwise.
Emotional boundaries
Emotional boundaries in relationships are like the gates to your heart — they keep the good vibes in and the drama out.
Nicole LePera, in her phenomenal book How to Do the Work, explains that “emotional boundaries enable us to separate our emotional world while allowing others to have their own separate emotional world.”[6]
Emotional boundaries can look like filtering your sister’s updates of her nasty divorce straight to a separate Gmail folder because they’re so stressful. Or letting your partner feel upset about something without taking on those emotions yourself. Or not answering calls from someone you suspect has been drinking.
Setting emotional boundaries is one thing. You must also know how to identify when someone crosses your emotional boundaries and how to handle it.
One glaring example of crossing emotional boundaries is manipulation, the most infamous form of which is gaslighting.
Dr. Robin Stern, who literally wrote the book on gaslighting (seriously, it’s called The Gaslight Effect), defines gaslighting as “a form of emotional abuse where one person’s psychological manipulation causes another person to question their reality.”[7]
Picture this: You’re having a talk with your partner, who keeps forgetting important dates — your anniversary, your promotion, even your birthday. As you pour your heart out, your partner suddenly snaps “You’re overreacting! You didn’t tell me how important those dates were for you.”
Bam! Welcome to the mind-twisting world of gaslighting.
Your partner is invalidating your feelings and implying you’re somehow at fault, which challenges what you know to be real — that your partner has failed to prioritize you.
In this scenario, setting an emotional boundary would look like confidently asserting your feelings and refusing to be swayed by your partner’s dismissive comments. You might say, “Those dates are important to me. It’s not about overreacting but feeling valued and remembered.”
Emotional boundaries are not about being cold, selfish, or needy. They’re about preserving your sanity and self-respect.
So, the next time someone tries to gaslight you or otherwise violate your emotional boundaries, channel your inner Beyoncé and instruct them to go to the left.
Energy and time boundaries
Energy and time boundaries are your personal air traffic controllers deciding who and when is allowed to land. They indicate your agency over your most valuable resources.
Take Friday nights, for example. Your friends might be out there trying to guilt trip you into their Friday frenzy, but maybe you’re wrecked after a week full of peopling, and you’ve already got plans with Emma from Selling Sunset.
Sorry, air space closed for maintenance!
Energy and time boundaries can also apply to a partner, even if you live together and spend most of your free time together. For instance, prevent your partner from monopolizing your time by setting a boundary that allows you to spend time apart, nurturing your personalities outside of one another.
After all, doesn’t absence make the heart grow fonder or something like that?
Take a couple of nights a week to indulge in your hobbies, hang out with friends, or just chill. Cultivating your individuality will protect your identity, recharge your love batteries, and keep that spark alive!
Digital boundaries
The Internet is a virtual jungle, but we still can and should set some digital boundaries. They’re the code of conduct put in place to protect your online space and privacy.
Whether it’s keeping your personal info on lockdown, giving yourself a screen time curfew, or being a respectful friend-content sharer, creating social media and technology boundaries is as important as any other.
For example, if your partner insists on staying off social media, you need to respect that, no matter how cute you both look in that pic you want to post. It may leave you wondering if your partner is secretly in the witness-protection program, but a boundary is a boundary.
Hey, I never said it was going to be easy!
Types of Boundaries in Relationships: Healthy and Unhealthy
Not all boundaries are created equal. To keep the good vibes rolling in your relationships and steer clear of the toxic ones, you’ve got to know the difference between healthy and unhealthy boundaries.
The Healthy Humans Project helps with some examples of flexible and rigid boundaries:
Flexible boundary: “I like to have some time to myself when I get home from class so I can wind down.”
Rigid boundary: “I need the whole house to be perfectly clean and quiet when I get home from class, or else I am going to be very upset.”[8]
Looks simple, right? But following this outline isn’t enough. What this example leaves out is the other extreme: weak boundaries.
First, let’s explore what healthy boundaries look like:
- Communicating needs and feelings
- Taking time for self-care, such as exercise, meditation, or just resting
- Protecting your time and energy
- Refusing to tolerate disrespectful or abusive jackasses
- Allowing yourself to make mistakes and learn from them
Unhealthy boundaries, the evil twin of healthy ones, are there to wreak havoc and feed off chaos!
At one extreme are weak, poor, or porous boundaries, which according to Tawwab, can lead “to feeling depleted, overextending yourself, depression, anxiety, and unhealthy relationship dynamics.”[9]
Essentially, they all imply the same thing: allowing people to treat you like 💩.
If you constantly feel drained or invisible in your relationships, you have weak boundaries — or worse, none at all.
At the other extreme are rigid, inflexible boundaries. Charles Whitfield, in his book Boundaries and Relationships: Knowing, Protecting and Enjoying the Self, identifies rigid boundaries as “unhealthy independence,” “inappropriately rigid,” and “disengaged.” Building such walls around your heart will inevitably make you feel “separated, isolated, and alienated.”[10]
Unhealthy boundaries can look like anything from oversharing to accepting mistreatment and everything in between:[11]
- Trying to control others or allowing others to control you
- Saying yes to everything at your own expense
- Codependence, or relying on your partner for your emotional well-being and happiness
- Poor communication, such as silent treatment or passive-aggressive comments
- Manipulating others and giving in to manipulation
Sounds like a lovely person, don’t you think?
When you struggle to set and maintain healthy boundaries, you risk toxic relationships that lack respect for personal feelings, space, and time.
This makes sense because poor boundaries in relationships are rooted in low self-esteem and are set out of a desire to control others or a fear of being uncomfortable or unsafe. On the other hand, healthy boundaries restore safety and security in a relationship.
How to Set Boundaries in a Relationship
Setting boundaries, while awkward in the beginning, will become second nature with practice. Who knows, it might even become part of your routine — like your morning coffee!
When setting and communicating boundaries, remain calm! I mean, just be flexible and reasonable about it. Don’t overcompensate by building titanium walls around yourself. That’s also not the goal. Choose the middle ground.
Take it from author and motivational speaker Mel Robbins, who says, “You can be a kind person with a good heart and tell people to F off when needed. It’s called boundaries.”[12]
“You can be a kind person with a good heart and tell people to F off when needed. It’s called boundaries.”
This concept doesn’t need to be fancy or complicated. Setting boundaries in a relationship is simply speaking up for yourself:
- “I’m not available on Sunday mornings.”
- “I don’t like it when you speak to me this way. Please lower your voice.”
- “I would appreciate it if you wouldn’t tell your friends intimate details of our relationship.”
Again, easier said than done, so here’s a short manual.
Identify a boundary
To identify a boundary, trust your intuition. Listen to your Spidey Senses.
Search for the feeling that tells you something isn’t right, and tune into it. Ask yourself why you feel uncomfortable, drained, or taken advantage of. Once you’ve identified your trigger, communicate!
Communicate your boundary
When someone does step on your toes, don’t just sit there and take it. That’s what the old you would do. The new you speaks up but isn’t a jerk about it.
Ideally, you’re both as cool as cucumbers, but let’s be real — life is messy. So, do your best to explain what’s bugging you and what you’d like to see instead.
Stick to “I” statements when communicating your boundaries. This may prevent your partner from feeling attacked. “I” statements can include “I’m not comfortable with . . .” or “I need some alone time.”
By being calm and assertive, you can communicate your boundaries in a way that will keep your partner open to what you have to say. Encouraging your partner to communicate their boundaries, as well, can make the conversation feel more collaborative and prevent conflict.
Be prepared for initial resistance
Fair warning: If this is the first time you speak up for yourself, there’ll be some resistance from the other side. Prepare for “It’s never bothered you before” or “You’re being too sensitive.”
People, even the well-meaning ones, are allergic to change. And change is what you’re asking for.
This is the hardest part. At this moment, I need you to stay focused and reiterate your needs calmly but firmly.
Be realistic about how long it takes to change
Let’s face it — setting boundaries with your partner can be a challenge. Don’t be surprised if you must remind them more than once before it sinks in. Change is tough, and it doesn’t happen overnight.
But hey, don’t forget to be kind to yourself and your partner along the way. Compassion goes a long way in any relationship. So, give yourself a pat on the back for taking charge of your boundaries, and cut your partner some slack as they adjust to the new reality.
Change is a team effort, and you’re both in this together!
Conclusion
Boundaries will set you free, but first, they will shake things up.
Learning about boundaries and putting them in place helped me get back on my feet and become a better, stronger person, but it cost me a lot, too.
I had to quit the corporate job that demanded the impossible, and I lost most of my “friends” by saying no to commitments that didn’t spark joy.
The silver lining is that the end of one thing is the beginning of another, better, more aligned one.
And yes, unless you’re already a boundary-setting pro, this quest won’t be easy. (Shout out to my fellow people pleasers out there.) But mark my word — it only feels uncomfortable because it’s new, not because you can’t do it!
Ready to set some boundaries? Ready to start living your best life?
If you want to read more about topics about being in a relationship check out our page here.
FAQs
What are my boundaries?
Your boundaries are the limits you set to define what you’re comfortable with and how you would like to be treated by others.
How do you set boundaries politely?
To set boundaries politely, state them clearly and assertively. To decline an invite, say: “Thank you for your invitation, but I’ll pass today. Please keep me posted next time.”
What is the golden rule of boundaries?
The golden rule of boundaries is that if you want others to respect your limits, you must also respect their boundaries. It’s one of those fundamental truths. Treat others the way you want to be treated.
References
1. Chernata, T. (2024). Personal boundaries: Definition, role, and impact on mental health. Personality and Environmental Issues, 3(1). https://doi.org/10.31652/2786-6033-2024-3(1)-24-30
2. Hendrick, C., & Hendrick, S., Zacchilli, T. (2011). Respect and love in romantic relationships. Acta de Investigación Psicológica, 1(2). https://www.scielo.org.mx/pdf/aip/v1n2/v1n2a8.pdf
3. Glover Tawwab, N. (2021). Set boundaries, find peace: A guide to reclaiming yourself. TarcherPerigee.
4. Harper, F. (2020). Unf*ck your boundaries: Build better relationships through consent, communication, and expressing your needs. Microcosm Publishing.
5. Harper, F. (2020). Unf*ck your boundaries: Build better relationships through consent, communication, and expressing your needs. Microcosm Publishing.
6. LePera, N. (2021). How to do the work: Recognize your patterns, heal from your past, and create your self. Harper.
7. Stern, R. (2007). The gaslight effect: How to spot and survive the hidden manipulation others use to control your life. Morgan Road Books.
8. Carroll, A. (2021). Healthy Humans Project. 5 ways to practice setting healthy boundaries in your 20’s. https://www.healthyhumansproject.com/page/5/
9. Glover Tawwab, N. (2021). Set boundaries, find peace: A guide to reclaiming yourself. TarcherPerigee.
10. Whitfield, C. (2010). Boundaries and relationships: Knowing, protecting and enjoying the self. Health Communications, Inc.
11. Glover Tawwab, N. (2021). Set boundaries, find peace: A guide to reclaiming yourself. TarcherPerigee.
12. Robbins, M. [@melrobbins]. (2023, April 5). If you need some help setting boundaries and protecting your peace, listen to the latest episode of @themelrobbinspodcast. Instagram. https://www.instagram.com/melrobbins/p/CqqKKlquakK
