TRIGGER WARNING: Childhood sexual abuse
I was sexually abused by my father when I was 7 years old. It would always happen late at night. He would come into my room and into my bed. I hated every second of it. He told me to never tell anyone, that it was between me and him. When my mother found out about the abuse, she didn’t say a word about it and she ended up staying with my father for many years after. At a young age, I was taught to conform and just do what I was told.
I never had boundaries. In fact, I never even knew that saying “no” was an option in my life. This led me to get into many toxic relationships where men would abuse me, take advantage of my kindness, and not respect my feelings. I always thought it was normal. I never knew I had a choice.
Once I began my healing journey I started to learn that it’s okay to say no. Healthy people will always respect your boundaries and change to make you comfortable. Unhealthy people will always question your boundaries, have a bad reaction to them, and will continue to push past your boundaries to get their way. This is a red flag and is up to you to decide how you want to handle that situation.
Unfortunately, some people will never respect us and the boundaries we set. It’s up to us to decide when enough is enough. Only you understand your relationship with this person and whether the relationship is worth fighting for or not. Remember that it is okay to choose yourself first. It’s okay to walk away from people and relationships that are no longer serving you. It may be painful and hard to do but to have true peace in your life, it’s something that must be done.
I have had to walk away from 15+ year friendships and from people who I deeply loved and cared about because they were holding me back. I was trying to heal, work on myself, and be a better person, and they weren’t in the same place as me. They were unintentionally holding me back from growing. Setting boundaries is how we gain our power back.
Here are some easy steps to implementing boundaries in your life:
1. Determining your desired boundary
Decide what you no longer want to tolerate anymore. For example, name calling. “I will no longer allow anyone to disrespect me with name-calling going forward.”
2. Communicating that boundary clearly to the other person
This part is really important. Be sure to be clear and concise when communicating what you need. Do not beat around the bush. Communication is key. For example, “John, I really hate when you call me stupid. It’s hurtful and I deserve to be treated better. From now on, if you continue to call me rude names, I will not speak to you or have any kind of relationship with you.” This is an example, you can choose whatever consequence that works for you and your unique situation.
3. Having consequences if they do not respect your boundaries
The consequence of the above example is not speaking to John or having any kind of relationship with him if he continues to be disrespectful. This is the most important part of boundary setting! Without consequences, people will not change.
4. Following through with your consequences
Follow through with what you say you will do. If John knows you are bluffing, he will never change. This is the second most important part of boundary setting, say what you mean and mean what you say. Once John sees you are no longer speaking with him, he will then understand that you mean business.
5. Reminding yourself of why you set these boundaries in the first place
People will try to push past your boundaries which can be the hardest part of setting boundaries in the first place. Remind yourself that you are worthy of healthy love and respect. Remind yourself that you are retraining people on how you deserve to be treated. No matter how much they disagree with you, keep reminding yourself that this is necessary in order to heal and gain back your power. You were not made to be mistreated.
If you need help with setting boundaries, consider working with me as a coaching client. I work on a deeper level with my coaching clients and help them work through establishing or strengthening their boundaries with others. Set up a free call with me by visiting www.womenrisechicago.org/coaching
