A genuine apology can promote healing and connection. An apology involves more than simply saying “I’m sorry.” It is a process. Effective apologies require courage, compassion, humility, and sincerity. An apology’s effectiveness, however, is not dependent on the recipient’s acceptance of the apology. There may be barriers to giving or receiving apologies. When the conditions are right, however, an apology can be a powerful catalyst for conflict resolution.
The power of an apology
The Cambridge Dictionary definition of apology is, “an act of saying that you are sorry for something wrong you have done.” Apologies require the uncomfortable process of reflecting on our actions and taking ownership for their impacts. It is rarely easy to humbly admit when we have done something wrong that has harmed others.
In their book, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry: The Case for Good Apologies, authors Marjorie Ingall and Susan McCarthy remind us that apologies are powerful because they have the potential to heal relationships. They can also be liberating and restorative for the person who is apologizing. When we commit to reflecting on and taking ownership for what we have done, we become more humble and courageous.
Ingall and McCarthy also assert,
“Apologies are about power, too: to apologize well is to give some of your power away.”
A good apology may also restore trust and mitigate the likelihood of repeated conflict. They can help apologizers build self-awareness and understand the impact of their actions on others.
What makes a great apology?
Believe it or not, it’s possible to deliver a bad apology which can exacerbate conflict. Here are some examples of apologies that are not effective:
Any apology that shifts or deflects blame, such as “I’m sorry if…” or “I’m sorry that…” or “I’m sorry you…” None of these will land well.
A regret – sure, you can still say it, but you are not taking ownership.
An excuse, such as “I’m sorry I was late for the meeting, but the calendar was confusing.” In fact, as we said in this piece, leave out “but” and you’re golden.
Passive voice, such as, “I’m sorry the wrong link was given to you.”
Knee-jerk apologies that aren’t really thought out can come across as insincere, or the apologizer may regret what they said in the moment.
Passive-aggressive apologies are also insincere and intended to make the recipient feel badly. An example of this is emphatically repeating, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry!”
Coerced apologies or those that fulfill someone’s expectations are not sincere.
Transactional - “I apologized now, so it’s your turn.”
To be effective, an apology should be delivered with compassion, sincerity and humility. Ingall and McCarthy lay out the following six (and a half) steps to a great apology:
Say you’re sorry
For what you did
Show you understand why it was bad
Only explain if you need to, don’t make excuses.
Say it won’t happen again.
Offer to make up for it.
6.5. Listen
Researcher Karina Schumann, PhD reinforces the notion that a great apology includes some version of using the actual word “sorry.” Moreover, she states that a good apology acknowledges the harmful behavior of the apologizer. A good apology is delivered directly to the person who was harmed in a non-defensive manner. Essential to communicating in a non-defensive manner is including an expression of remorse and acceptance of responsibility.
In addition to naming the harm, a good apology should also come with an assurance that it won’t happen again, and an offer of reparations, whenever possible.
Finally, for the apology to be truly authentic, after apologizing, the apologizer must listen. If the other person has a response, patiently listen without interrupting.
Overcoming resistance to saying sorry
Despite the benefits of an apology, many people have difficulty apologizing. Resistance may be overcome by understanding the transgressor’s barriers to giving an apology.
Schumann’s research suggests the following three most common barriers:
Low concern for the other person or relationship
For an apology to be sincere, the apologizer must be aware of or concerned for their impact on the person they harmed. Perhaps the relationship is not a priority to them. Or perhaps the transgressor has narcissistic tendencies and is psychologically hindered from apologizing. In some cultures, an apology that may bring shame to the community may have harmful implications.
Perceived threat to one’s self-image
Some people may feel that apologizing is a sign of weakness, or that it might indicate that the other person is right. Some fear they may lose control over their own emotions. Face-saving needs frequently emerge in conflict. Or some individuals feel hamstrung by guilt and shame, and the humiliation of apologizing overtakes their ability to recognize the benefits.
Perceived apology ineffectiveness
When the transgressor believes their apology will not restore the relationship or offer any benefit to their victim, they may not see the point in offering one. They may suffer from low self-compassion or a deep sense of shame. Fear of conflict escalation may also inhibit some people from apologizing.
As we caution mediators in IMA’s training, it’s important not to pressure anyone to apologize, if they do not feel ready or comfortable.
A forced apology can actually backfire.
The best way to elicit an impactful apology, even if the transgressor is resistant, is by offering respect and deep listening.
In addition to understanding someone’s barriers to apologizing, exploring the benefits of apologizing may be useful, if done with compassion and empathy.
Asking open-ended questions of the transgressor (or yourself), such as:
What would be the impact of hearing the words “I am sorry” to the recipient?
How would an apology heal the relationship?
How might both parties move forward after the apology has been stated?
What would this conflict look like if an apology were offered?
How could an apology shape your future?
An apology is not always the answer. Ingall and McCarthy suggest the following reasons why a person ought not to apologize:
When it’s not heartfelt.
If the apology is hurtful, such as a passive-aggressive or weaponized apology.
If the other person doesn’t want an apology.
When the other person demands more and wants to see the transgressor grovel.
Also, as we discussed in this piece on the meaning of “respect,” there may be unique cultural, religious or familial definitions of what “apology” means. While presenting a webinar on this topic, I was challenged by some of our Master Mediators to recognize that the research I have cited in this article is from a very Western, science-driven lens. Whether you are hoping for an apology or trying to offer one, considering cultural differences may help you more effectively apologize. Those variations may also be underlying barriers to an apology, or the acceptance of one. Clashing expectations around apology and reconciliation may also impact how those involved perceive the unresolved conflict.
While apologies can help to promote healing, growth, and understanding, the motivations for apologizing should be about the recipient. As stated earlier, a good apology should be unconditional. It should be offered as a gift, without an expectation of something – including forgiveness, acknowledgement or response – in return. For this reason, it is important to explore the underlying intentions behind an apology in order for it to be meaningful. Understanding and discussing both the barriers to and intentions behind an apology may also reduce the resistance to saying sorry.
Apologies can reframe conflict
While an apology can be a catalyst for conflict resolution, that should not be the underlying reason for offering one, if it is to be genuine and unconditional.
Apologies can be offered to reduce defensiveness, to calm tensions, and to restore a sense of normalcy. Apologies may also diffuse a potentially volatile situation.
For example, I recently purchased software for IMA. After my payment went through, I realized I accidentally purchased more than we needed. I was shocked and upset at the price – three times what I had budgeted! I immediately reached out through the company’s chat option. Fortunately, I was connected with a real human being, Fernando, who said, “I am sorry we didn’t get you the right package. Let me work with you to fix that.” I told Fernando his apology made my day, and I acknowledged he didn’t need to offer it, because the error was mine. His response, “If it was that easy to pick the wrong package, then the mistake is on our end.” Fernando’s unconditional and generous apology immediately reduced my frustration. (Of course I gave Fernando a glowing review!)
As my encounter with Fernando demonstrated, a good apology involves respect. On behalf of his company, he showed me that he wanted me to have a positive relationship with the company. We ended that virtual chat on a high note. I felt good about my purchase and my ongoing relationship with the company.
Apologies can serve to restructure and to reframe the situation and relationship in a new light. They can help individuals involved to heal and learn from past experiences. The goal of an apology should not be reconciliation, however, it may serve as a catalyst for conflict resolution.
An apology is not the same as reconciliation
Apologies may promote forgiveness, as well as reconciliation, but as suggested earlier, those should not be the motivations for apologizing. Ingall and McCarthy advise us that “Apologies are not negotiations.” They should be given freely, without conditions or expectations.
Apologizing is a social process that involves at least two people, with one side giving the apology to the other. A genuine apology, however, is not dependent on the recipient’s acceptance. In some cases, the victims are not around to receive the apology. An institution may apologize for a historical injustice. Government leaders may act as “stewards of national values” that are sorry for the acts of previous generations.
Also, in some instances, apology or not, the conditions for forgiveness are not present. Forgiveness is not something that is owed to everyone who apologizes.
If the recipient is willing and able to accept the apology, they may choose to forgive the apologizer. Only if that exchange of apology and forgiveness is mutually agreed upon can they reconcile. If it is not mutual, that does not mean all is lost. It still may be powerful, for countless reasons cited already.
Apology has the power to transform conflict
Apologies are not always easy to give, but there is the potential to heal wounds when someone says the words, “I am sorry.” An apology is more than just a single step of saying those words, however.
At least from a Western perspective, apology is an unconditional act of expressing remorse for harm caused to the recipient. It is a process that involves making amends. While reconciliation should not be the goal of apologies, they may promote forgiveness and restore relationships.
Apologies can also help to reframe past experiences and transform conflicts. Saying “sorry” can also help the apologizer express feelings of guilt and to explore the impact that their actions have on others. When done well, an apology can be a powerful catalyst for conflict resolution.
What actions will you take to facilitate an apology? What can a heartfelt apology do for someone in your life? Share your comments below.
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