Picture it: Your co-worker, who you normally get along with, avoided you at lunch, then grunted when you offered to grab him a coffee.He's clearly annoyed at you, but won't address it.
This is textbookpassive-aggressive behavior— a hallmark of people who have trouble handling conflict.As a public speaking trainer, I've found that the best way to handle passive-aggression is to gently neutralize it with contrary action: act quickly and communicate directly and openly.
This requires bravery. But with practice, your fear of confrontation will diminish.
A simple question to stop passive-aggressive behavior
When dealing with passive-aggressiveness, stay calm and do three things:
- Approach the person in a private setting where you'll both feel comfortable speaking frankly.
- Check your body language and vocal tone.If you feel stiff and defensive, try to relax. You want to convey that you're genuinely concerned and operating in good faith.You don't want to seem threatening.
- Finally, ask, "Can you tell me what's bothering you?"
In just seven words, that last question often solves the problem instantly.If the person tells you what they were upset about, you'll probably resume normal cordial interactions right way.Maybe you'll realize it was a misunderstanding. Perhaps it's something deeper that will take some time to resolve.
In any case, what's critical for managing this moment successfully is that after asking the question, you shut up and listen.
How to give a meaningful apology when it's needed
When your colleague responds, pause. It might not make sense to you. It might seem unfair or inaccurate. But don't answer until you've taken the time to absorb it.
If they're upset for a reason that merits an apology, conduct yourself diplomatically. A true and powerful apology never includes an excuse or a defense.Focus on what you did wrong and nothing else.
Don't assume it's obvious that you're sorry. Say the actual words "I'm sorry," and mean it.
- Bad apology example:"Oh my gosh, I had no idea. Why didn't you tell me?"
- Good apology example:"I'm sorry, that didn't even occur to me. You're right. I'll try not to do that again."
Most important of all, resist the urge to argue. The objective is not to be right or to prove your colleague wrong. Your goal is to restore a safe conversational space.
Don't apologize if it feels phony. But do give them your respect for having this conversation. Are you glad they answered? Thank them for answering. Will you think about what they said? Let them know! Is your relationship important? Tell them so.
In the end, you can only control your own behavior
What do you do if you ask the question and receive just a shrug and a "Oh, nothing is wrong" for your troubles? It happens.
If your colleague is terrified of conflict or is more invested in staying angry than finding resolution, at least you've labeled it and made it harder for them to pretend it's really nothing.
You've done what you can by being direct, and you've made it clear you're open for discussion whenever they're ready to move on. For now, let the cards fall where they may.
John Boweis a speech trainer, award-winning journalist, and author of"I Have Something to Say: Mastering the Art of Public Speaking in an Age of Disconnection." Hehas contributed to The New Yorker, The New York Times Magazine, GQ, McSweeney's, This American Life, and many others. Visit his websitehere.
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FAQs
When dealing with passive-aggressiveness, stay calm and do three things:
- Approach the person in a private setting where you'll both feel comfortable speaking frankly.
- Check your body language and vocal tone. If you feel stiff and defensive, try to relax. ...
- Finally, ask, “Can you tell me what's bothering you?”
I needed to use my emotional intelligence--the ability to understand and manage emotions--to help me do so. Eventually, I learned a brilliant, six-word phrase that I now use to help me stop passive aggression dead in its tracks: Attack the problem. Not the person.
What's the most passive-aggressive thing to say? ›
7 Phrases that Make You Sound Passive-Aggressive
- “I'm confused/curious/sorry…” If you are sincerely confused or curious or sorry, definitely say so. ...
- “I was only joking.” ...
- “No offense, but…” ...
- “I'm fine.” ...
- “I'm on it.” ...
- “I wish you would…” ...
- “Why don't you…?”
Causes of Passive-Aggressive Behavior
People who rely on passive aggression rather than direct communication to show these emotions often grow up in a family where such behavior is common. It might not have felt safe for them to directly express their feelings as a child.
How do you win over a passive-aggressive person? ›
5 ways to respond to a passive-aggressive person
- Remaining calm. ...
- Asking questions. ...
- Gaining perspective. ...
- Setting clear boundaries. ...
- Communicating. ...
- Taking a break… from them.
Passive-aggressive apologies are also insincere and intended to make the recipient feel badly. An example of this is emphatically repeating, “I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!” Coerced apologies or those that fulfill someone's expectations are not sincere. Transactional - “I apologized now, so it's your turn.”
What is an example of a passive-aggressive comment? ›
“Got it.” Sometimes, this is just another phrase for “Yep, okay.” But the sarcastic version means something different: “Shut up, I heard you” or “You're annoying, leave me alone.” Sarcasm is the most obvious form of passive aggression, and possibly the most hurtful.
What is the biggest act of passive aggressiveness? ›
In fact, fake politeness is rated as the worst example of passive-aggressive behavior, according to 24% of respondents. Other behaviors ranking among the worst include fake or feigned innocence (17%) and weaponized kindness (14%).
What personality type is passive-aggressive? ›
Passive–aggressive personality disorder, also called negativistic personality disorder, is characterized by procrastination, covert obstructionism, inefficiency and stubbornness. The DSM-5 no longer uses this phrase or label, and it is not one of the ten listed specific personality disorders.
What is a nicer word for passive-aggressive? ›
Some potential synonyms for this kind of behavior are negativistic, apathetic, petulant, or snide. Whatever vocabulary you use to describe this communication style, the fact remains that writing in a passive-aggressive tone can often escalate tensions instead of diffuse them.
Passive aggression often stems from underlying anger, sadness, or insecurity, of which the person may or may not be consciously aware. Passive-aggressive behavior may be an expression of those emotions or an attempt to gain control in a relationship.
What are some passive-aggressive texts? ›
We collected the most used passive-aggressive sayings and created synonyms that are better to communicate with.
- "You're too sensitive…." ...
- "If that's what you want to do…." ...
- "Well, If you like it…" ...
- "Fine" ...
- "No worries" ...
- "Thanks in advance." ...
- "I'm not mad" ...
- "Whatever"
Subtle digs or negative comments are a common form of passive aggression. For example, a person might comment on a topic they know makes another person uncomfortable, such as their dating life or weight. They might also use their knowledge about a person's history to subtly hurt them.
What is a passive-aggressive apology? ›
This "sorry" is not an apology but rather a passive-aggressive jab at your partner. It is used in a dismissive way to either get your partner off your chest or to indirectly express your frustration or anger. Its delivery is usually more sarcastic, martyly, or insincere.
How to set boundaries with someone who is passive-aggressive? ›
Strategy 5: Set Clear Boundaries
For example, you could say, “I don't appreciate it when you make snide comments. If you have an issue, I'd like to discuss it directly.” By setting clear boundaries and enforcing them, you can prevent passive-aggressive behavior from continuing.
