We have a natural tendency to dwell on the past. After all, our experiences and decisions—including the good and the not-so-pretty—ultimately help inform who we are today and can have a lasting impact on our world. As important as past experiences are, though, they don’t have to define us or hold us back in our present lives or our future.
Learning how to unchain yourself from past traumas or regrets is one of the most freeing things you can do for yourself. Not only does it release you from stifling guilt or paralyzing fears, but it sets you up to jump into a future that’s exciting and fulfilling.
We spoke with two mental health experts about why we tend to dwell on the past, why letting go is so important, and actionable steps you can take to move forward and foster personal growth.
Why Letting Go Is Important
It’s easier said than done, but letting go of the past and fully stepping into the future can benefit you and your relationships from every direction.
“It’s so important to let go of previous regrets and burdens because [not doing so] keeps us stuck in the past and robs us from living in the present,” says Nicholette Leanza, LPCC-S, a therapist at LifeStance Health.
What we gain from letting go is that it releases the weight of the burdens from us and helps build a new sense of hope and freedom in our lives.
— NICHOLETTE LEANZA, LPCC-S
The tricky part, of course, is that letting go isn’t exactly easy. Leanza notes that our brains are hard-wired to hold onto negative thoughts and experiences more than the positive ones. This is likely an evolutionary holdover, where remembering things that went wrong ultimately helped our ancestors develop the all-important skill of not dying.
While acknowledging the past can still come in handy in today’s world, letting those negative experiences permeate our everyday moves or greater existence can ultimately backfire when it comes to happiness and life satisfaction.
What Is the Negativity Bias?
Step-By-Step Guide to Letting Go of the Past
As challenging and emotionally taxing as it may be, letting go of painful feelings and experiences is a process we can learn and practice over time.
“Letting go does not mean pushing away or suppressing the emotions—as our emotions are valid and represent experiences and interactions that were or are painful,” notes Theresa Busardo (MHC-LP), therapist at Empower Your Mind Therapy.
In learning to let go of your emotional suffering, we can learn to be present in our own lives instead of doing things automatically out of habit.
— THERESA BUSARDO (MHC-LP)
Here's a detailed, step-by-step guide on letting go.
Step 1: Acceptance
Acceptance is deeply powerful. By acceptance, we mean sidestepping denial and avoiding strong desires to change reality. It’s about accepting the world as it is, people as they are, and you as yourself.
Leanza says “This is an important first step in letting go, and what goes hand-in-hand with acceptance is the actual decision to let go. Letting go of our emotional baggage is a process and we must choose to let it go.”
Step 2: Forgiveness
Forgiveness follows acceptance. Once we’re able to accept the things we cannot change, it becomes easier to step forward and make peace with the past.
“This step is more about no longer allowing the hurt, pain, anger, and shame to hold you prisoner,” Leanza says. “We think forgiveness is what we do for others, but it’s really about releasing ourselves from our own emotional prison.
If I truly forgive someone who wronged me, I’m no longer held capture by the feelings of hurt and anger I have for that person.
— NICHOLETTE LEANZA, LPCC-S
This also means forgiving yourself and practicing self-compassion. This may be even more difficult than forgiving others, particularly if you struggle with feeling worthy or deserving.
However, studies have shown that doing the work to forgive ourselves has a positive effect on our well-being by helping us become more positive and reducing depressive feelings.
Step 3: Focus on the Present
Mindfully focusing on the present can boost feelings of happiness and put you in the driver’s seat of your thoughts and emotions, notes Busardo. She recommends taking a page from Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) here and familiarizing yourself with the “Three States of Mind.”
“This helps describe a person’s thoughts and behaviors based on emotional, reasonable, and wisdom minds. Emotion and logic are of equal importance and come together to form Wise Mind,” Busardo explains. “The idea of ‘wise mind’ is for the consideration of accessing emotions at the same time as considering your logical and rational factors. Wise mind is considered the optimal state of mind for decision making.”
She says that the more we practice mindfulness, the easier it becomes to access that ‘wise mind.’ Regular meditation, as well as redirecting our thoughts back to the present when things start spiraling, can help us remain more present. In regard to rumination of negative thoughts, studies have demonstrated that mindfulness can help prevent people from dwelling on negative thoughts.
Step 4: Embrace Change
The reality of the world is that it doesn’t follow a straight path. It’s often full of twists and turns, and our ability to adapt to these changes can help us in the long-term. This is challenging for a lot of people because our brains naturally gravitate toward routine and familiarity (even if it’s negative).
“Embracing the present through change allows us to dismantle what may have had us stuck in thoughts, behaviors, or patterns that no longer serve us, or keep us rooted in the past we cannot change,” Busardo says.
“Be open and accepting of mistakes or trauma and begin to be open to changing perspective and behaviors," she says.
Step 5: Seek Support
There’s so much to gain anytime you can lean on another’s shoulder. This step can take on many iterations, ranging from speaking with a trusted friend to seeing a therapist to attending group support sessions.
“This step is so imperative because we are social creatures, and definitely need our village around us,” Leanza says. “Seeking support from others on our journey of letting go is a significant key to our success in being able to let go.”
26 Quotes About Letting Go
Additional Tips for Emotional Healing
Let the above guide on learning how to let go of the past serve as your guideposts. You may waver and bounce between the steps, but the goal is ultimately to practice acceptance, forgive, live in the present, embrace change, and lean on others along the way.
Here are some additional tips to help you process the past and feel excited about the present and future.
Practice Radical Acceptance
This skill involves accepting reality at face value without trying to change it. “Accepting a situation when the circ*mstances are out of our control can reduce the suffering we feel. Instead of being attached to our past pain, Radical Acceptance provides, in practice, a lack of judgment toward our experiences and a detachment from them allowing us to move beyond it,” Busardo says.
Remember That We’re All Complex and Imperfect
When someone hurts us, our first instinct may be to assign malicious intent to them. Sometimes, though, rewiring our thought process to recognize that humans complex and imperfect can release us from some of that hurt
Leanza says that seeing this person as a “suffering human” or complex figure (versus pure villain) can help you view them through a kinder and more empathetic lens, which helps in forgiveness.
Draw Boundaries Where Necessary
While accepting others’ imperfections can help us see them in a more forgiving light, some scenarios require us to create firm boundaries that help protect our emotional well-being.
When a person remains unchanged and continues to re-open past wounds—hurting us or draining us in the process—this is a sign that we should be more deliberate and self-protective in the way we communicate or interact with them.
Use Daily Affirmations
A repeated mantra can help rewire your brain to let go of the past and look to the future. Some mantras that Leanza uses with her patients include: “I will no longer allow my anger about this control and define me;” “I have the strength to let go and I choose peace to radiate within me;” “I embrace the present moment as the past no longer has to define me.”
Learning how to let go of past wounds, regrets, and experiences is a skill that we must learn and practice. Even initiating the process can have great benefits, such as decreased suffering and improved relationships. Over time, we’ll become better at accepting the past and the world around us, find more forgiveness and peace, and live a fulfilling life that looks to the present and future.
