Money tends to be one of the biggest sources of conflict for couples. My husband and I can relate: He’s money-cautious, while I’m more apt to splurge. Most of the time, we balance each other out. But in our worst moments, we’ve traded insults, slinging harsh words like spoiled and cheap at each other.
Even if you and your spouse discussed your money questions before marriage, finances will likely remain an emotional topic. Finding the common ground to make decisions on everything from vacations to childcare may require some extra work and compromise. Here are five tips that can help keep the peace if you’ve got a spender and a saver in your relationship.
Understand what money means to you and your partner
Everyone brings some kind of baggage to their relationships, especially when it comes to money. So clinical psychologist Michael Tobin says it’s important to get to the root of what money means to you.
“Money has multiple meanings for each of us,” he says. “Security, freedom, power and prestige, shame and embarrassment, self-respect and so on.”
Especially if you grew up with vastly different financial backgrounds, you and your partner may be money opposites. Defining what money means to you and sharing those with each other can help you understand your respective points of view. Over time, you may find that your individual perceptions of money may begin to move closer together.
Cultivate mutual respect
Instead of focusing on which person has the “correct” viewpoint about money, recognize that your different qualities can enhance your marriage. Try to reframe what the words “saver” and “spender” mean to you in a positive way.
“One way of understanding these financial differences is that one person is future-oriented — the saver — and the other person is present-oriented — the spender,” Tobin explains. “There are positives and negatives to each approach.”
Working together and appreciating each other’s differences can also help to strengthen your relationship.
Share your money goals with one another
Make a genuine effort to understand each other’s financial goals and habits. Reserve judgment and be open-minded about your partner’s point of view.
“A relationship succeeds when your partner’s needs are at least as important as your own,” Tobin says. “In other words, when the guiding principles of your relationship are respect, mutual understanding and a powerful desire to know one another, then differences can be worked out successfully.”
This mindset, he adds, will allow you to understand the legitimacy of your partner’s position.
Practice active listening when you’re arguing
Conversations about money can get heated. When they do, take a deep breath and remind yourself to listen more than you talk. Tobin recommends practicing active listening, an exercise that can diffuse emotionally charged discussions.
“First, you state your position. Second, the other person listens without interrupting and says back what they heard,” Tobin says. “Then, you fine-tune the message until it’s clear to both of you. After that, your partner does the same back to you.”
If the conversation isn’t deescalating, agree to take a break and come back to it when you’ve both cooled off a bit.
Seek outside help if needed
Some couples find themselves on the extreme ends of spending or saving and can’t talk about money without conflict. For instance, one person may be terrified of spending and is putting life on hold as a result. The other may turn to impulse spending as an emotional release, which can lead to debt. Both could harm the relationship. A financial or couples' therapist can provide a neutral presence to help you work through your conflicts and go deeper into why money remains a charged topic.
“If you can’t have a reasonable discussion about spending and saving and don’t understand your and your partner's primary approach to money, you’ll find yourself caught in a power struggle,” Tobin says. “If you’re caught in a power struggle you can’t resolve, then outside help would be necessary.”
