A boy sends a shirtless pic to a girl. Does it bring up a red, green or grey flag?
This and more such instances were part of a recent discussion around
consent
and safe dating, involving students from some city-based colleges. “What’s wrong with asking someone if you can send them a shirtless picture? You’re asking for permission after all,” replied a college-going student when asked if the said situation breached any boundaries of consent.
Another one felt that the question could make things awkward, while a third one shared that it depended on what led to this question. The session, conducted by the youth organisation
Yuvaa
and dating app
Tinder
, highlighted the need to have a continuous dialogue on consent. Soon, it will be part of an educational course online.
CONSENT IS SOMETHING THAT NEEDS TO BE DISCUSSED MORE
For most students, these workshops gave a space to discuss a sensitive topic like consent without fear. “Not many people are comfortable talking about consent even though it’s a conversation that needs to be had. There is also a stigma around the term because the definition of consent differs from one person to another and nobody wants a debate or conflict on that,” says 21-year-old Rohan Sharma, a student at ISBM College of Engineering.
Kevin Lee
from Yuvaa agrees and says that consent is nuanced and means different things to different people. Speaking about the structure of the new initiative, Kevin adds, “The students are given a set of real-life experiences and are asked to identify which ones are problematic or portray unwanted behaviour. Once we have established that people can have different ideas of boundaries, we focus on creating a mindset that asking questions about boundaries is better than assuming what they are and risking breaching someone’s trust.”
“We have biology lessons in school but things like consent and safe dating should also be taught in college to shape one’s perspective" - Aditi, 23, a student
As per a 2022 survey about youngsters in Pune:
-Over 70% youngsters are hesitant to give consent, ask for it or withdraw consent when dating someone.
-Around 55% youngsters chose to not speak to their partners and turned to a friend for advice or looked for resources online instead when understanding the violation of consent.
-73% youngsters believe that consent needs to be taught in schools and colleges
-65% took steps to personally understand the concept of consent.
“I never had the ‘sex talk’ with my parents nor did anyone tell me how I needed to interact with the other gender. It is important to have conversations on such topics to understand certain situations" -Nivedita, 24, a student
Red, green and grey: The colours of consent
Dating comes with its share of boundaries and respect, and understanding situations help in identifying these. One should look for:
Red flags: Definite warning signs that must not be ignored. Eg. Controlling and manipulative behaviour, rudeness, snooping etc
Green flags: Signs that you are comfortable with the person and don’t see a problem in continuing with the relationship. Eg. Openness, honesty, affection, empathy, kindness etc.
Grey flags: These lie between the red and green flags and indicate that you should tread with caution and be aware of concerns while you continue dating. Eg. Personality differences, communication gaps, different interests etc.
“It is important to know the broad stages/situations within a relationship—getting to know someone, the talking stage, the first date and an intimate scenario—to elucidate how and when consent is important, and what should be kept in mind at each stage" - Aahana Dhar, country director of communications at Tinder India
Factors that prevent the communication of consent:
-Fear of hurting the date/partner’s feelings
-Awkwardness talking about it
-Anxiety about not being liked
Common situations that require an understanding of consent:
-Asking someone to stay back after the first date
-Showing screenshots of a private conversation
-Asking to drop someone home
-Texting someone repeatedly
-Intimacy
The age of sexual consent in India is currently 18. Globally, this age varies from as low as 11 (Nigeria), to 21 (Bahrain, Saudi Arabia). Some countries have a 'must be married' rule for the age of consent.
