The Single Biggest Regret People Have - And How You Can Avoid It (2024)

At the risk of stating the obvious - success looks different to different people. But there’s one thing we all have in common. We want to grow old and say: “I didn’t waste my time on this Earth.” “I did the best with what I had.” or “I lived my life to the fullest.”

Sadly, not everyone achieves this, and often, they realize it too late, and when all they're left with are their regrets.

Last September, I lost my mother. In the time leading up to her passing, we had several conversations about her life. One day, she confessed, “I regret nothing in my life except for one thing: I should have become a painter.”

My mother dabbled in painting, and it was evident that she had talent. But she never devoted herself fully to it. I asked what stood in the way. She chuckled and said: “I did. I stood in my own way. I can see it now.” It was heartbreaking for me to hear it. It also made me curious whether this type of regret is common. I was surprised at what I found out.

The Single Biggest Regret People Have

According to the latest research, my mother’s regret is extremely common.

As I started exploring this topic, the first thing I found out is that more people regret things they didn't do in life than the things they did do. It’s probably because we can correct our mistakes but can’t turn back time and do something we dreamt about but didn’t pursue.

Now there is also anew, really fascinating studythat takes the idea of regretting things we didn’t do even further, exploring the kinds of regrets we have about who we are.

Researchers identified that there are three types of self that we can have regrets about.

• Ouractualself, which is all about thetraits and abilities we think we possess; who we think we are.
• Ouroughtself, which is about the traits and abilities we think weshouldpossess; who we think we should be.
• Ouridealself, which is about the traits, abilities, and accomplishments we would like to possess; our goals, hopes, and dreams.

I feel like many of us think we might regret not doing what we are supposed to do: not working harder on that promotion, not being more disciplined with our workouts, and not saving enough. But research shows something surprising and enlightening at the same time:

Most people (72 percent) feelregretrelatedto their ideal self as opposed to their ought self (28 percent).

In fact, when asked to name their single biggest life regret, 76 percent of participants citean action they did not take that would have helped them realize their ideal self.

In other words, there’s one thing we will certainly regret in life - not becoming the person we dreamt to be, not fulfilling our potential, not following that dream.

As I was reflecting on all this, I realized something profound:

In Pursuit of Eudaimonia

The concept of striving to become our ideal self is hardly new. Ancient Greeks and Stoics discussed and practiced it more than 2,000 years ago, referring to it as eudaimonia.

Eudaimonia literally means being aligned with our “inner daemon,” our highest ideal, or the best version of ourselves. It involves living a life where our actions propel us closer to that ideal.

What’s worth highlighting is that the goal is not necessarily to achieve the ideal (even if that were possible). Instead, the point is to live a life of virtue, where we are constantly on the path toward our ideal self.

For my Mum, living that kind of life would have likely meant painting on a daily basis, improving her skills every day, and engaging with the craft she loved.

I’m currently in the process of figuring out what my “inner daemon” is. It seems like one of the most important things for me right now because, if I’m honest, I’m terrified of having the same regret as my Mum had.

Discovering Your Ideal Self

I’m realizing now that identifying our “inner daimon” involves deep introspection. Here are some questions I have come up with that guided me in this discovery process. They are designed to probe different aspects of your life and personality, helping uncover your ideal self.

1. What activities make you lose track of time? This can reveal what truly engages and excites you.
2. When have you felt the most fulfilled or satisfied in your life? Moments of deep satisfaction can indicate your core values and what matters most to you.
3. What are your natural talents and strengths? Understanding your inherent abilities can guide you towards your ideal self.
4. What challenges have you overcome that made you stronger? Challenges often reveal our resilience and the areas where we grow the most.
5. What causes or issues do you feel most passionate about? Passion for certain causes can indicate where your heart lies and what drives you.
6. If money were no object, how would you choose to spend your life? This question helps identify your true desires, separate from financial constraints.
7. What are the recurring themes in your dreams or aspirations? Dreams can be a reflection of your deepest desires and the essence of your “inner daimon.”
8. What qualities do you admire in others but feel you lack? This can highlight areas for personal development and aspects of your ideal self.
9. How do you want to be remembered by others? Your legacy desires can reveal a lot about your deepest values and aspirations.
10. What would you do if you weren't afraid of failure? Fear often prevents us from realizing our full potential; identifying what you'd do without it can reveal your passions and dreams.
11. What kind of activities or ideas feel like coming home to you? This feeling of 'coming home' can indicate your true nature and what environments or activities align with your inner self.
12. What areas of life do you feel most authentic or true to yourself? Identifying when and where you feel most genuine can help pinpoint your core essence.
13. What have others always come to you for? This can reveal your perceived strengths and the value you provide to those around you.
14. What would you regret not having attempted or achieved in your life? Considering potential regrets can highlight priorities and passions you might be neglecting.

These questions aren't meant to be answered quickly. Take your time to reflect on them, and consider writing down your thoughts and feelings as you explore each one. And if you have any good questions to add, please share in the comments!

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