Here's what a relationship expert really thinks.
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There is no shortage of dating trends swirling around, especially on social media (case in point: beige flags and the triangle method of flirting). Another trend that may have popped up on your feed is the "three-month rule," aka a dating trial period for those looking for a long-term partner. We chatted with Vienna Pharaon, a marriage and family therapist and author of The Origins of You, for her take on the TikTok trend. Read on to learn what is the three-month rule for relationships and tips on how to communicate that you want to "trial" a relationship with a partner.
In this article:
- What Is The Three-Month Rule?
- The Pros And Cons of The Three-Month Rule
- So, Is The Three-Month Rule A Good Rule To Follow?
- How To Practice The Three-Month Rule
What Is The Three-Month Rule?
The three month dating rule is a trial period that allows couples to shift from the honeymoon phase of dating to an integrated love phase. "What I mean by that is usually a few months into dating, we start to see some of the quirks, or maybe we start to notice things that we find annoying or irritating," Pharaon says. "There's a slight fall from grace, if you will, that tends to happen once we're no longer putting a person or the relationship up on a pedestal and existing with a narrative that says they can do no wrong."
The three-month rule essentially gives you enough time to go past first impressions and get to know each other better. "The beginning of relationships are often fun and exciting," Pharon says. "It's easy to be swept away and fantasize about a future together, but experiencing those few months together and allowing yourself to be more fully seen and seeing the other person more fully is imperative." So once you've hit that three-month mark, you have the insight you need to decide whether to continue the relationship or not.
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The Pros And Cons of The Three-Month Rule
There are some pros and cons to the three-month dating rule. For starters, Pharaon says it allows you to slow down the dating experience and really get to know each other which helps disrupt the commonly-held dating experience of always looking for the next best thing.
Taking your time also helps create more safety and security in the dating process. "If you know you're both slowing down and trying to get to know each other and not looking to jump to the next person, it can allow a more vulnerable and authentic expression and exchange to happen," Pharaon says.
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On the other hand, Pharaon says the three-month dating rule can be a con if someone continues to date someone when they're not tapped into how they're feeling and trusting their intuition. Also, she adds that if you stay in the relationship longer that may mean you develop more feelings for the other person during that time and ending a relationship after three months might make you feel more raw.
So, Is The Three-Month Rule A Good Rule To Follow?
In short, it can be. Phararon recommends first reflecting on whether you're someone who tends to over stay or leave a relationship quickly. "Are you someone who thinks 'this is the best I'll get' most of the time, or are you someone who tends to think there's gotta be something better out there," she says.
If you tend to lean towards the former, Pharaon says you don't have to continue dating someone for at least three months when it's a clear misalignment. If you're often quick to leave, Pharaon says the three-month rule can be helpful for giving someone enough of a shot. "I know we love fireworks, but not all relationships start that way. Sometimes it's enough to see someone again even if it was just okay."
All that said, the most important thing is to listen to yourself and how you're feeling and honor that. Don't stay in a relationship for three months just because a trend dictates it.
How To Practice The Three-Month Rule
If you plan to practice the three-month rule with a new love interest, honest and open communication is key. "If you're intrigued enough by a person and that feeling is mutual then I think you can communicate openly about the idea," Pharaon advises. "It's helpful to name the benefits of stepping into something like this from your own perspective and see what the benefits are for them. An honest and open dialogue that shares each person's pros/cons, hopes/desires for this is valuable at the beginning."
However, not every match is worthy of implementing the three-month rule. Pharaon recommends being selective and first ensuring there is mutual interest and reciprocity.
And lastly, remember that the three-month rule is not meant to try to get commitment from others but rather give yourself time and space to see what evolves. "The idea is to give yourself a container to see what can come from the connection," Pharaon says. "It's not guaranteeing any outcome, but it's creating a sense of safety and commitment without a promise of anything."
