Trust is one of the most fundamental components of human connections. It impacts how we make sense of the world and interact with others. Trust develops very early on; helpless infants become either fearful or trusting depending on how caregivers meet their physical and emotional needs. As we grow trust continues to develop through our experience of how others treat us; whether or not they respond sensitively and appropriately to our needs. Later on in life trust continues to serve as the basis for our interpersonal relationships including romantic ones. A satisfying relationship is the most commonly cited goal of people worldwide and trust is the cornerstone of relationship satisfaction. It should come as no surprise then that stress in the form of breaches oftrust can have extensive negative effects on our psychological and physical well-being.
We lose trust in our partners for a host of reasons including abuse, infidelity and deceit. Once trust is broken we often experience tremendous anxiety and resentment, which can create a wall between ourselves and our partners. We might withdraw from those close to us and feel quite lonely. Unfortunately, most of us face some form of mistrust or betrayal at some point in our lives. The good news is that there is hope; it is possible to regain trust and rebuild a damaged relationship.
Repairing trust is a challenging undertaking and can be a long process involving patience on the part of both partners. The work entails replacing painful memories with healing ones that help to develop a sense of safety and well-being.
Here are some key steps in repairing trust and recovering from a betrayal:
1. Acknowledge the betrayal; take responsibility. Do so as soon as possible since damage and healing time increase the longer you carry the burden in secret.
2. Make an effort to maintain honesty. Because your partner’s trust has been shaken they will likely need continued and repeated evidence over time that they can trust you again. During this time you might find yourself answering a lot of questions about the betrayal. Be patient and answer these questions, as they can be an opportunity to begin rebuilding trust.
3. Although it can be difficult, allow your partner to share their feelings about the betrayal. You cannot expect to reestablish trust without a full recognition of the consequences from what has happened. Listen to them without arguing or debating and validate their experience.
4. Patience is key. It takes much longer to rebuild trust than it did to earn it the first time around.
We cannot rush or force the process of rebuilding trust. It is built through small moments over time; everyday moments that may seem insignificant but serve as the building blocks of healing and repair. When our partner wants to talk to us about a bad day, asks us for help with a chore or looks upset – these are all opportunities to connect with our partner and rebuild trust. We are turning toward our partner rather than turning away and saying “I’m here for you”.
Betrayal can be a critical point in our relationship stories. Because breaches in trust come in big and small packages (we are not just talking infidelity here) it is inevitable that we will face betrayal in our relationship at some point or another. Rather than see these occurrences as a signal for the end we might choose to use this difficult time as an opportunity to not only repair but to strengthen our relationship.
If you need help repairing the trust in your relationship, call us to consult with one of our couple therapists at 514 223 5327.
Written by: Andrea Guschlbauer, Ph.D.
FAQs
Unfortunately, most of us face some form of mistrust or betrayal at some point in our lives. The good news is that there is hope; it is possible to regain trust and rebuild a damaged relationship. Repairing trust is a challenging undertaking and can be a long process involving patience on the part of both partners.
What happens to the brain when trust is broken? ›
Neural networks and brain regions that had formerly been associated with positive emotions and magnanimity towards this person were replaced with animosity, suspicion, and resentment. Forgiveness towards the person who betrayed me remains a work in progress.
How to repair a relationship when trust is broken? ›
Rebuilding Trust
- Decide to forgive or to be forgiven. Make a conscious decision to love by trying to let go of the past. ...
- Be open to self-growth and improvement. You can't repair broken trust with just promises and statements of forgiveness. ...
- Be aware of your innermost feelings and share your thoughts. ...
- Want it to work.
How does trust issues affect mental health? ›
The consequences of not trusting others can be profound, affecting our mental health and team performance in significant ways: Increased Stress: Constantly questioning others' motives can lead to chronic stress and anxiety, impacting overall well-being.
How to recover from a breach of trust? ›
- 1 Acknowledge the breach. The first step to rebuilding trust is to acknowledge that you have violated it and take responsibility for your actions. ...
- 2 Listen and empathize. ...
- 3 Make amends and change. ...
- 4 Rebuild communication and intimacy. ...
- 5 Seek help if needed. ...
- 6 Be patient and hopeful. ...
- 7 Here's what else to consider.
What happens to a person when trust is broken? ›
We lose trust in our partners for a host of reasons including abuse, infidelity and deceit. Once trust is broken we often experience tremendous anxiety and resentment, which can create a wall between ourselves and our partners. We might withdraw from those close to us and feel quite lonely.
Does overthinking come from lack of trust? ›
Essentially, overthinking often boils down to a lack of trust in others due to being hurt or abandoned, past relational trauma, feeling insecure, or wanting to control things that are external from oneself.
What personality disorder is trust issues? ›
Paranoid personality disorder
Lacks trust and is suspicious of others and the reasons for their actions. Believes that others are trying to do harm with no reason to feel this way.
How to heal from trust issues? ›
How to overcome trust issues
- Express your feelings and concerns. ...
- Take small steps to rebuild trust. ...
- Prioritize trust in your relationships and model trustworthiness. ...
- Give people the chance to change. ...
- Seek to understand before being understood. ...
- Practice forgiveness. ...
- Seek professional help if needed.
How do therapists treat trust issues? ›
A therapist helps patients identify the sources of mistrust and learn to mindfully notice when they're irrationally acting out of mistrust. Once aware, they can start finding ways to put space between feeling suspicious and acting on that feeling.
Breach of trust can also refer to when an owner allows someone to borrow or periodically control their property and that person steals or inappropriately uses the property. For example, a breach of trust would occur if you paid a valet to park your vehicle, and the valet drove your vehicle around the city.
What are the consequences of breach of trust? ›
When a breach of trust occurs, a beneficiary may suffer financial losses. The law gives victims of a breach of trust the right to sue the fiduciary for damages and depending on the circ*mstances, there might be a violation of a state's criminal laws.
What is a serious breach of trust? ›
Serious breach of trust means either: a single act that causes significant harm or involves flagrant misconduct, or a series of smaller breaches, none of which individually justify removal when considered alone, but which do so when considered together.
What does betrayal do to the brain? ›
There are many effects of betrayal on the brain: Anxiety. Depression, or feelings of hopelessness and helplessness. Intrusive worry or thoughts, nightmares, flashbacks, or reliving memories of when you learned of the betrayal.
What is the effect of breaking trust? ›
The person who has been betrayed may experience feelings of anger, sadness, and hurt, which can lead to depression and anxiety. 4. Loss of Self-Esteem: When trust is broken, the person who has been betrayed may feel like they are not worthy of the relationship.
What does trust do to the brain? ›
Trust and fear are inversely related; fear activates the amygdala and trust decreases activation. Trust therefore frees up the brain for other activities like creativity and planning and decision making.
What happens when you lose all trust? ›
When trust is broken, it often becomes harder to put our faith in people in the future. However, trust issues could hurt us in the long run because they prevent us from connecting with others or receiving support when we need it. Not being able to trust can also negatively impact how other people respond to us.